Learn To Swim

Yeah...it's one of those days....The ones where "the fear" rears it's ugly head more than the usual. Feel like I'm drowning in it sometimes.

Learn To Swim...

And there's gonna be lots of days like this in the coming weeks as my "Tour d'Oncologie" is looming ever closer on the calendar.  And I'm pretty fuckin sick of it.  *Pardon my French*

Ugh.  I dunno....and with all this newish controversy surrounding mammos....I considered (still?) just skipping it this time.
Fuck a mammogram.  *Pardonnez mon Français*
Mammo didn't even SEE my VERY palpable tumor.  But, since it is the last diagnostic, and marks the (useless milestone) five years out, I'll go ahead with the fucking mammo.

Learn To Swim...

And then the visit with Dr V (Surgeon).  And then a physical with Dr C. And then Dr W (Oncologist).  And then I can breathe again for another year.

Unless I get an ache.  Or a pain.  Or a pimple.

Learn To Swim
Learn To Swim
Learn To Swim...

Well I'm Hot Blooded....

Searing Hot August Sun

Ok, so here's the thing.  At the beginning of the year, I thought that the ladybits were waking up and that I was not gonna be all menopausal anymore.  

WRONG!!!

Never saw "Aunt Flo" again after January & the stupid ass Hot Flashes have returned with a vengeance! And it doesn't help that we're in the hottest part of the summer here in our region. And I can break into a full on hot flash at the drop of a hat.  Any exertion at all can & lately does bring it on.  Something as simple as fastening my necklace around my neck will result in me being suddenly covered in sweat & feel like smoke is coming out of my shirt.  

Know what else sucks about it?  Hair drying.  Yeah.  Nothin like trying to blow dry your very much loved long, long (again finally) hair and then have the hot flash come on and now your scalp is sweating and you keep blowing the hot ass dryer air at it.  And by the time all is said and done, the hair didn't turn out cause the scalp won't stop sweating and now, fully drenched in sweat, feel like I need another damn shower!!!

Really? 

EFF YOU cANCER! And EFF YOU hot ass August!

End Rant. 

To Help Me To Remember...

Chemobrain. I haz it.  Still.  And I'm pretty damn sick of it! Five years out, and I'm still dealing with stupid chemobrain.

Oh sure, I can remember all kinds of things...way way back things.  Entire days and events that were great and fun and...well, memorable.  But will I remember that I have a load of laundry going that will need to make it to the dryer in the next few minutes? Not without a reminder note...a "Forget-Me-Not" if you will.  I have to leave myself sooooooo many notes.  For just about everything.  There's Post It Notes here, scratch paper notes there, phone alerts to remind me to do stuff....Never in my life have I had to leave myself so many notes to help me to remember stuff.  Like "unload laundry", "run dishwasher". 

I wonder how some of my other bc friends do it.  They have major, detail oriented and important jobs.  Are there little reminders on notes  and stickies all over their life too? 

Chemobrain is a real thing, believe it or not. 

And for some, it apparently lasts longer than for others.  And mine has actually improved a lot in the last couple of years.  But I just get aggravated with this forgetfulness that lingers. 

...Ain't Too Much Sadder Than...

It still doesn't seem real.  The loss of Robin Williams.  And to learn it was suicide.  I just can't imagine it.  What kind of pain and sadness he must have been living with??

I have no words.  Just sadness.  Although I never met the man, I did grow up with him in my life via the big and small screens.  And it does feel like losing a friend.  

Depression is a disease.  Just like alcoholism.  Like cancer.  I don't believe people choose to be depressed. Not at all.  And it makes me very angry to see these stupid fucking memes all over social media demanding people choose to not be depressed.  It's a chemical issue in the brain, OK????

This is TOTAL bullshit.

I'm just so so sad about this. A world without Robin Williams in it. How can this even be real?

Rest In Peace Robin Williams.