Rather, I think what's on my mind is the fact that, after my diagnosis, all throughout my treatment process, and even still today...people are still telling me how I should think and feel, and telling me what to do.
Still!
And it's getting on my nerves. But then again, not much doesn't get on my nerves these days, as it seems I've been in a bad mood for weeks and weeks now.
Maybe it's because of the anxiety inducing time of the year...when I was thrown into cancerland. The diagnosis, the surgeries, the chemo kicking off....the hair loss devastation.
And I still can't believe it's been 7 years now.
Anyway...I guess I just need people to know that, even though you are trying to be helpful, you achieve the exact opposite result when you say something like "Well, at least your cancer is not one of the worst ones..." or something like that. Ya know?
Or "How can you still be so upset when you know you are 'cancer free'?" said to me exactly 3 1/2 weeks after being diagnosed.
Or "Omg, stop using this chemo-brain excuse...you just want to get out of xyz task/chore/appointment". (Here are 10 Things y'all should know about chemo-brain.)
"There are so many others so much worse off than you."
"Your hair will grow back. My teeth are all gone. I'm bald inside my mouth!" (Seriously.)
"You shouldn't be worried about anything ever again cause you've faced the worst thing ever...cancer and death!" - I get this one anytime I complain out loud about life's regular and mundane situations...like finances, or even bitch that I'm getting a pimple. Like, I'm not allowed to let anything ruffle my feathers ever again, cause I've "survived" so much worse.
Just stop it! It's like you are being completely dismissive of my fears, feelings and emotions. Like I have no business having the feelings or emotions that I have.
I guess I'm just saying...think first. Think about something horrible that you've gone through. How would you like it if I played it down like "it could be worse..." Or "at least you didn't/don't...."?
I know so many others have written much more eloquently on this topic. But it's just been in my craw lately. Again, probably the time of year.
And also...can I just say that breast cancer, and any cancer, is not a competition illness. I've compared this type of stupidity to "the labor story". You know...where moms sit around one upping each other on how terrible their labor was. "Oh you were in labor for 19 hours? Oh please...I was in labor for 37 hours and was still having to wait on DH hand and foot and cook his dinner and wash up the dishes before we could go on to the hospital...." *being facetious, of course*
But still, some cancer people do the same thing...
"At least you didn't have to go through mastectomy..."
"At least you didn't have to have 'red devil chemo'!"
"At least your surgeries went well without complications."
If I share something with you about how I'm feeling or doing (know that you are close enough to me for me to be honest with you, cause most people will only hear that "I'm great, how are you...") and you are about to respond to me with something that begins with the words "At least...." just pause a moment....and then just shut your mouth.
Ok, so yeah...rambling now....ugh.
July 23 is the date I mark as my "NEDaversary". It was on that day, in 2009, that I had that second surgery and the clear margin was achieved. And I'm told by some cancerland dwellers that this isn't the correct way to determine your actual NED.... That I'm supposed to consider myself a "survivor" from the moment I was diagnosed. And that I'm really not supposed to say I'm NED until the end of active treatment.
Really...well...
I go about things the wrong way....
And would ya look at that...it ended up being another "stupid shit people say to cancer patients" post after all.....
10 comments:
Oh my good gawd, I can't believe people STILL say this kind of shit to you! No, it is not helpful to be told how to feel and think!! Oy. I've written about this a time or two myself. But since people never stop this nonsense, we will evidently have to keep on writing about it. *sigh* xo, Kathi
Right? Or just anytime someone wants to shush me when I'm lamenting something that's going on...by reminding me that "well, it's not cancer" or "it ain't chemo..." Forgot those... Hear those the most.
xx
Stupid shit people say never gets old because it keeps on coming. It's like a miracle substance that keeps multiplying no matter how much time goes by. Maybe we'll stop reacting when it stops being thrown at our feet.
Agree 100%. My reaction larely has been to tell those people to STFU. lol
The discounting is so irritating!And the you should be over it now? Puh-leeze! And I kind of chuckle at your pimple idea. I have an awful cold sore this week that just will not go away and is very painful. And yes I've been whining and pitching a fit. Every now and then I chastise myself for being such a baby--at least it isn't cancer I think--but, that doesn't make the pain and ugliness of it go away--so why bother with such a stupid comparison. Sigh. Comparison culture got me down lately....
Yeah, the stuff people say... And on the other end of the spectrum, many people I'm in contact with never EVER say anything about cancer to me, even those in my own family. Not sure if they think it's all behind me and I never think about it. Or maybe they are done with it, so they assume I am as well. Or they think it's too touchy a topic. Not sure. So there's the dumb stuff people say and there's the silent treatment. I suppose it is hard to be around us sometimes! lol! No one should be able to tell someone else how to feel. Like I keep saying, be real, be you, it's enough. Another great post. Ramble away anytime. I love your rambles. xx
Hey Wendi! OMG I hate a fucking cold sore! Damnit! I have been going through some horrendous skin issues that have been so bad that I went literally weeks over the summer not going in front of people except maybe once per week that was absolutely necessary for work. But yeah....I'm right there with ya in the comparison culture issues... xx
Hey Nancy! Thanks so much for your perspective on this....although I'm still really not in love with how this post turned out, you just gave me an idea for another post on the subject...like I haven't bitched about it enough. Thanks for the encouragement to keep it up...Can't tell you how many times I've felt like I just need to put the blog away...I even have a farewell post in draft, but your words help me keep it a draft only. Thanks a bunch! xx
First, congratulations on your "NEDaversary". I am sorry people continue to say insensitive things to you. I believe most people don't want to deal with our reality for whatever reason. Maybe it's too uncomfortable (or painful) for them so they choose to dismiss our feelings. Some of my relationships have changed because we no longer tolerate each other. Like they know they can't say dumb shit to me anymore because I have a reaction -- not one they particularly like -- and at the same time I can't pretend like everything is OK. The comparison/competition is def. an issue in cancerland. It creates separations -- as if we needed more separations?
We'll always acknowledge your feelings. Please don't stop writing. And rant/vent if you need to. This is your own space and we get it. xoxo
Thanks so much Rebecca! Thanks for the validation. Yeah, doesn't it suck how relationships change? Ugh. #MeanPeopleSuck xx
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