The Waiting Is The Hardest Part

It really really is.  Got a good report from Dr W on Thursday.  It appears I'm still doin well.  As far as anyone can tell.  Blood work doesn't really tell you much, though, unless things have gotten WAY outta hand. But the same can be said about scans too.   So, what's the right way to monitor something like bc?  Beats me.  But this is what makes this doctor visit so skeery.  And this was the first time there was time between the blood draw & the results....like a week.  I'm not good at waitin.  Not that I'm impatient, just that I continue to be a paranoid freak, so I freak myself out.  Let's not forget that I, LTC, am the hypochondriac-master of psychosomatics extraordinaire.  So anyway, yeah, was very relieved that all seems to continue to remain well & NED continutes to be my BFF.

But wait, there's more....

Still one more skeery doctor appointment to go.  Normally Dr V doesn't scare me much, as I usually see him after havin had a mammo with the results revealed right then & there...no waitin.  So seein him for a hands on inspection is usually no biggie....(seriously no biggie...I'm President of the IBTC lol).  Ahhh, but this time....since I graduated to annual mammos in September....it's all up to Dr V to not feel any unusual lumps or bumps.  Then the official YAY-Fest will commence. 

Anyway...O really tried to distract me & cheer me up & make me laugh as best he could when we went to have those labs drawn.  So here I am pre-labs...I can just tell that I'm less than amused...But we still managed to have a nice afternoon out & about.

And no, we didn't have cameras followin me around at the cancer center...I'm still in a bit of a quandry about the Reel Rants show...sorry to say, there just hasn't been the interest or response to it that we'd hoped for.  I'm not gonna go any more in depth on that less than stellar reaction to it (& why I think that is) here...but it will roll out....we will do it....just takin a bit longer than we anticipated. 

Anyway....1 down, 1 to go & then I'll chill the fuck out relax until it's time to do it again in September.

In the meantime....I'm tryin my hand at growin my own sprouts! I got an Easy Sprout & some seeds.  I love the Broccoli/Clover/Radish sprout blend on sandwiches & stuff...& sproutin is supposed to be easy & fun, so, figured I'd give it a try.  So I should have some yummy "Salad Blend" sprouts here in a few days.  Started them on Monday....guessin they'll be ready by Saturday or Sunday? I dunno.  I'm not good at waiting.  I'll let ya know how they turn out.

The waaaaiiiting is the hardest paaarrt.

Yep.

She's Got Style, She's Got Grace...

Yeah.  I've got neither of those.  Especially the grace part.  I've heard it said about me though.  Something along the lines of "She has handled her bc diagnosis & treatment with such grace."  Who, ME?  Grace?  Nope.  Fraid not.  I'm the LEAST graceful person to have to deal with this bc bs.  Seriously.  I was all weepy for WEEKS about losin my hair.  I cried more over that than over the cancer itself.  And I'm all upset & a bundle of nerves for days before an oncolgy type of appointment.  Here's a recent example...guess who was supposed to have the labs drawn today for next week's appointment with Dr W, but rescheduled for tomorrow, cause I'm just too fucked up in the head to deal with it today?  Yep, this chick right here.  But, in my own defense, the appointment is kinda far away & I do have an appointment already in that part of town for tomorrow, so it's kinda good to not have to make the 45 minute trip over there 2 days in a row.  Right?  Poor new lady at Dr W's...had to just go ahead & tell her "They don't call me HMO (High Maintenance Oliver) for nuttin!" LOL!


She's got style, she's got grace, she's a WINNER.

You know who's got real grace in the face of scary cancer stuff?  Valerie Harper.  What she's dealin with?  OMG I'd be absolutely paralyzed with fear.  Now, even as I near the 4 year mark, just dealin with bc, I'm crippled by fear at the very least.  But I love what I heard VH say in an interview this week.  She said: "Don’t go to the funeral before the day of the funeral. While you’re living, live...Live this day."

I totally get that. Just wish I could live it.  Ya know?  Some days I do.  Some days I don't.  Some days I can't.  Some days are def better than others. 

Anyway, if I'm lucky enough to make it to Valerie Harper's age (I believe she said she was in her 70's) I'll consider myself a winner over bc. 

Whoa whoa whoa...

Don't Ask Me...I Don't Know.

So l am gettin some emails & messages from other awesome survivors lately...& it really makes me feel great that these ladies are encouraged by my blog & stuff.  I love when I can help others feel supported, or ease fears, or just help another feel like they're not alone. Glad to be of some help, & in so doing, it helps me as well. *waves to new followers & subscribers* :)

But sometimes, I get asked about certain bc stuff that I just have no idea about.  Things like tumor marker test numbers & onco score.  I probably should know some of the stuff, like the onco score, but I just don't.  I don't even know if I've even had the test that determines the stupid onco score.  Or maybe I have & my doctors know me well enough to know that I don't need to know...which would mean it would have to be a bad score then...right?  Or maybe not. Or maybe I do know, but don't remember...I don't know.

And then there's the tumor marker test.  To my knowledge, I've never had a tumor marker test done.  My Oncologist (and many many others) just doesn't like the tumor marker test for bc.  So he doesn't do it. I'm fine with that.

I'm fine with not knowing these things because I just kinda feel like it really doesn't matter. The treatment I had was pretty much throwin everything the docs had at this cancer bullshit....pulled out the big guns, magic bullet, kitchen sink...everything. So really, at this point, what does it matter? 

One of the things I do know about my bc is the Proliferative Index.  My Proliferative Index was high. Crazy high. And sometimes I wonder if this Proliferative Index has anything to do with that Onco Score.  Like if the PI is high, wouldn't the OS be high too? I don't know.  And I'm not gonna be askin anyone either. Cause I don't need to know.  And if I sit and think about everything I do know about my bc, all the things together,  it totally freaks me the fuck out. So I don't do that shit anymore.

Why all this cancer convo, nerves & freak outness? Well, cause the skeery flurry of oncology type appointments looms ever closer on the calendar.  Next week I go to have the blood drawn for Dr W...& then have to wait a week to see him & find out if I'm still good. (It used to be done all at one time...this waiting is the only thing I don't like bout the new location.) And the week following that, is the visit with the awesome surgeon Dr V.  Normally I'm not so nervous about seein him, cause I'm armed with the knowledge that my mammogram is fine.  But this time, I'm not freshly squeezed...so there's that. And since this stuff all begins next week, I am now a total hypochondriac & master of psychosomatics.

There's a shocker.

Ok, so still tryin to decide on the first Reel Rants episode.  What I'm thinkin is, have the camera follow me around as I go to these appointments & stuff.  Tape as much as the doctors & hospitals will allow.  And then do a segment on good food or something.  What do y'all think? I'm totally open for suggestions.  At first I thought the show was just gonna be about me goin off about stuff that pisses me off, but decided it probably wouldn't be very much fun to just sit & watch me bitch about stuff.  Ask O...he'll tell ya.

Anyway....even though I do seem a bit shaky at the mo, please do keep writing to me & commentin & stuff.  I think when I can reach out & share with y'all back & forth, it really is helpful to me also & boosts my confidence & courage & stuff, & hopefully is helpful for you, too.  We're in this together, you & me. So again, thanks everyone who regularly reads, follows, writes to me, Liked on Facebook, Follows on Twitter & comments here & stuff. 

xx