(REPRISE: 15 Years) I'm Still Standing...

June 4, 2024

First, I am grateful to still be here.  SO grateful. It was 15 years ago today that I received that dreaded, awful phone call from Dr. D.  Before I even picked up the phone, my ears began that high-pitched ringing & rushing sound.  And then he said it.  "The pathology came back positive for breast cancer."  

Your blood like winter freezes just like ice. 

And like in 2013, I still wonder why I feel the need to mark all these damn cancer dates down on a calendar.  But yes, I do.  All of them.  Still.  And O & I are still waiting on that "someday".  It's never over.  Ever. 

But less of the focus for sure.  

I guess I have about as much to say about it today as I did when I posted 

Once You Know You Can Never Go Back... in 2015.

And here I am at 55.  And I'm Still Standing....

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm Still Standing....

June 2009. About a week before D-Day.

Four years ago this week.  On June 30th actually. My whole world changed.  I got the phone call that the pathology was in from the biopsy & it was positive for breast cancer. 

I can't believe four years have passed.  I don't even really have a whole lot to say about it, but I just feel the need to remember it & several other days that have to do with it.  D-Day...NED day...first & last chemo days....head shave day...

Why?  Why do I mark these days on the calendar year after year?  Only thing I can think of is that having to go through the bc bs is hard. 
Damn hard.  And once you've had it, things are never, ever the same again. 

I'm pretty sure O hopes there will someday be a time when I'm totally & finally done with all the cancer stuff.  So do I.  But I really don't think you're ever totally just DONE with it, once you've had it.  I do know that it isn't so much the focus....like I no longer eat, sleep, breathe, walk & talk cancer 24/7 like I once did.  But it's always there...looming.  Like a dark cloud that just can't wait to strike like lightning....every single time I have the slightest ache or pain...or spot...or pimple...or pretty much anything.  And pleeeeeease don't mention any symptom of anything at all to me.  Ever.  *Furrows brow in the direction of Dr's V, W & C & even F*  Cause remember, I truly am THE Master of Psychosomatics. Yeah.

Eh, anyway....Four years later.  And I'm Still Standing. 

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hello It's Me...

 Hello, it’s me.

Does that conjure Adele for you, or Todd Rundgren?  Or maybe Dave Mustaine’s voice even?

But is it me?  Seems like I’m experiencing some physical changes lately that are annoying and causing me to not feel like me.  Hair texture is changing, eye hair is leaving, gravity is pulling things down and my skin is being weird.  But I guess that's just how it is in middle age.  As always, I’m grateful for even reaching middle age, but really not a fan of the effects.  Just sayin’.   

So I haven’t blogged in forever.  Well, for a year and a half as I type this.  Not much happening with cancer and that’s a really great thing.  Except for this:  Got my clear mammogram at a great new facility where the waiting room chairs are massage chairs, the robes are warmed and then you talk to the radiologist and he shows you the images. He recommended something I’ve never been told before.  He told me I should be having annual MRIs in addition to the mammo.  He told me it was the recommendation of the American College of Radiology for people like me.  People who were diagnosed with breast cancer before the age of 50 and in my case, due to the location of the tumor.  Mine was waaaayyyy back there like, really close to the armpit.  It’s loads of fun loading my scar into the mammogram machine, lemme tell ya.

Anyway, I have never, ever, through all the cancer stuff, ever had an MRI.  Ever.  I’ve had plenty of CT scans and X-rays, but never an MRI or even a PET scan.  And although it’s just a recommendation, an MRI has indeed been ordered.  I do love that the radiologist told me that “nothing at all has changed in 14 years”.  So, while I had that familiar feeling of relief, I am honestly nervous AF about this MRI.  Not just the procedure, but then the waiting and then the result.  What if it detects a reoccurrence, metastasis or even another kind of cancer?  And then there's the possibility that our health insurance won't cover it until our deductible is met. It's never met which is good news, but not so good for needing additional procedures.  So if / when they deny it, then what?  Do I just decide that it's good enough that the mammo is clear and the radiologist says all seems well?  I just might. 

So what’s been up with us over the last couple of years?  

I did do a few blog posts during the early part of the pandemic.  We cooked a whole lot during quarantine, which was fun since O and I love to cook.  We discovered we love the Instant Pot and air fryers.  We got into indoor gardening with the Aerogarden and started growing our own herbs and heirloom cherry tomatoes.  Love that.  

We took all 5 Moderna COVID-19 vaccines and boosters and have been happy to feel more confident to not wear masks in public places.  When I look back on the posts I did during the onset of the pandemic and quarantine, all those scary feelings come rushing back.  

What else....

May 2022

We renovated a great old house and made it our home and we just love it.  We’re closer to civilization and the family and that’s really nice.  We did as much as we could ourselves and contracted out things we knew better than to attempt ourselves.    The first thing we did was tear out the kitchen for a complete overhaul of every thing.  It's a totally different space now, as is pretty much the whole house and it's awesome!  The whole interior renovation took from May through October last year and exterior repairs and improvements continue and will continue probably forever.  So yes, that means we moved again.  I think that makes 5 moves in 7 years.  After having lived in the same home for 13 years.  
May this be the last one.

So yeah, pretty much just been renovating and moving.  Driving 50 minutes from where we were living to the renovation, working hard and then having to drive the 50 minutes back, most times in the dark, meant once again, there were issues with getting something to eat.  Cause cooking sure wasn’t happening much during that 5 month period.  Long-time readers probably remember the food fail posts.  It continues.  

O and I celebrated 22 years of marriage last month.  I am SO thankful to have him in my life. 

March 2023

 

Hello it's me...

I'll be 14 years NED in July, providing an MRI (IF I get it) doesn't say otherwise and as I'm approaching 14 years out from the cancer diagnoses, I'm so thankful for so much and for all of you...Friends, family, readers, followers, fellow blogger-friends and the online friends too (y'all know who you are).  Without all of y'all, I really don't know how we would have gotten through, not just the cancer, but the last several years of super scary uncertainty.  

Thank you.  

Love to all.  

So Cold Cold Cold!

Reynaud's Disease.  Apparently, I haz it.  I can't even believe it's taken me several years to finally consult with Dr. Google & figure out why it seems like my feet are like ice blocks much of the time and why my hands get so cold that my fingers go white.  Sometimes, creepy white.  It's not only when I am in a chilly environment either.  If I am experiencing high stress or anxiety, I notice that my fingers get super cold, even toes will get numb feeling.  And when this happened during a stressful and anxiety causing conversation recently, I finally looked it up and learned about Reynaud's Disease, or Syndrome, or Phenomenon.  Eh, cold hands, warm heart, right?  I don't know if it's a long term side effect from the chemo.  I have found some articles online that indicate it might be, but I didn't see any of the drugs I was given listed as known to cause it.  And really, I may have been experiencing this, especially in my toes, even before having cancer.  So there's that...

So anyway....  Haven't had a whole lot to report, which, on a cancer blog is a good thing.  I can say that my mammogram in November was still clear and my labs from my physical in December still look normal.  So in June, when it will definitly NOT be cold here, I will be 12 years NED.  

It's been really hard to even want to write (again) anything for ages it seems.  Thanks to the pandemic, and avoiding people, and cooking most of our meals, and then the political climate as of late...just seemed better to just be quiet.  On the plus side, the vaccines for COVID-19 are rolling out more and more.  We just gotta hang in there a bit longer.  We've been at this a long time now...  I remember a blog I did where I mentioned how my life was now divided into two parts, bc and ad....  

And now it's divided again.  BC - Before COVID.  

The last two weeks here have been so rainy.  Fog, mist, rain, thunderstorms.  And now our friends and family in Texas are dealing with a major winter storm situation, complete with lots of snow and rolling blackouts during record breaking low temps.  Y'all stay safe and warm.  

Mask up y'all!

So, yeah, just felt like I wanted to do a post to just say that I now feel like I know why I'm cold a lot of the time.  And to say I'm still NED, as far as anyone can tell.  

And I miss normal life.  I know you do too.  I never, ever imagined this is what real life would look like.  

Hang in there all.  I know there's warm light at the end of the tunnel.  

Things Fall Apart...

 It's scientific.

My 50th year is going by too, too fast.

You'll never, ever hear me complain about getting older.  I've said it many times before, getting old is a privilege denied to many.  However, the EFFECTS of aging?  I will definitely complain.  Often.  Loudly. 

December 2019

First, I am getting jowly.  The jowls are apparent.  Which leads me to my second complaint:  Gravity.  Fuck you, gravity.  Pulling those jowls and other parts earthward.  Which leads me to my third complaint:  Difficulty losing weight.  I lost about 21 pounds in 2007, only to be told in 2009 that my chemo might cause me to gain up to 30 pounds.  I was all like, fuck that!  I ate my usual strict South Beach diet all through chemo.  Gained a little weight.  But not a whole bunch.  And promptly took it right back off.  And now, I've been not so strict in my diet, especially since moving home to Georgia.  Hey, what can I say, #hushpuppieshappen, right?  And cheese grits.  And fried seafood.  Anyway, thanks to the slower metabolism, and that asshole gravity, even if I DO take off this excess weight, my favorite jeans most likely still will not fit me well again because stuff isn't where it once was.  Ya know?

Damn!

Anyway, yeah, lots more gray hairs, and this crazy deep wrinkle between my eyebrows, as well as my inability to read my phone without readers reminds me that I am SO lucky to still be here, as I approach my 11th year, post diagnosis. 

So, yeah.  I'll be 51 in June, and 11 years out.  And I'm still very much afraid of the cancer coming back.  That's not going to change, as Shannen Doherty reminded us today.  As if we needed reminding. So sad for her.  For us all, really.

So, yeah.  This one's short, but it's part of what's been on my mind more and more as I continue to be privileged.  

2020 24 Hours To Go...

November 2019

I wanna be sedated.....  

Seriously.  Thank you cousin S for the lovely Effen Vodka.  Sedation happening in 3 - 2 - 1... Kidding!  (Am I?) 

I wish I could say "nothing to do, nowhere to go" but lately, LTC runs with scissors!! As in, it's been crazy time around here these last couple of weeks.

Anyway....

Goodbye 2019.  Goodbye 20Teens.  

I don't really have a whole lot to say about this past year.  The decade, though, has been all about fucking cancer.  As will the rest of my life, however long or short it will be.  And also moving.  Texas to Savannah to Texas, back to Savannah.  

So yeah, being 10 years out from cancer should make me feel victorious, right?  Wrong.  I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Now, more than ever, is when it might rear it's ugly head.  But then, this has been my thinking since the day after active treatment ended, so...  

I'm glad to say, as I have before... This has been a pretty uneventful year.  As in, no cancer scares, no biopsies....  Pretty ho-hum and I'll take it.  This is a good thing in cancerland.  It has also been chock full of family, fun and food.  My kinda year.

I'd love to be able to report so many things accomplished this year, but I can't.  I did get my Realtor® license though.  And that was pretty awesome, given that I had the discipline to self study online and actually pass the test on the first try.  So there's that.

June 2019 - 50 years old

I also turned 50.  Five Zero.  
The Big Five Oh.  (The other F Word!)  Received my AARP Card even!!  And then promptly prescribed cholesterol medication.  Awesome.  

I'm thankful for so much though.  I am blessed to have my O with me here in Savannah.  And the family.  And to still be NED.  

Just wanted to take a minute to say thanks for hanging out with me here, especially since my posts are getting fewer and fewer.  Maybe in the 2020s that will change.  I really cherish the relationships I have with you all thanks to technology and social media.  

Please join me in raising a glass, and a middle finger to the end of this decade.  May the 2020s be b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶  good to us all.

Also, VOTE.

Let's Go To The Hop! Nancy's Summer Blog Hop Challenge

Time for Nancy's Summer Blog Challenge and this time it's a Blog Hop! What a great idea! Here we go with the 14 Random Questions.

Blog Hop Challenge Questions

1.  Who are you? If applicable, share anything you want about your cancer (type, stage, when diagnosed, whatever.) Share something about yourself such as where you live, the name of your blog and it’s “mission”, a challenge you have faced or are facing now, or whatever you want.

I was diagnosed on June 30, 2009, Stage III, HER2+ at barely 40 years old. I had known about my lump for a couple of months. It did not show up on my mammogram. I got an all clear letter in the mail. I had 2 lumpectomy surgeries, 15 lymph nodes removed - 4 positive and had a mediport placed before beginning chemotherapy. My chemo regimin was 6 rounds of Taxotere, Carboplatin and Herceptin. Herceptin continued every 3 weeks and ended on August 26, 2010. I also had 33 doses of Radiation, including 8 boosts to the tumor site.

I am not a fan of all the pink party like breast cancer awareness bs.

I also love to cook and eat good food. 

 2.  Have you ever participated in a blog hop before?

No. This is really cool though.

 3.  What’s your favorite sort of blog post to write and/or read – personal story, informational, how to, controversial, political, opinion, rant or other?

When I was posting more regularly, I would post about all kinds of things. I would even post about things that have absolutely nothing to do with cancer. Like, how difficult it can be for O and I to grab a bite to eat! I also post some ranty rants from time to time. I love to read a good rant. 

4.  Describe yourself in three words. Yes, just three!

Hmmmmmmmmm.......... Short. Foodie. Empathetic. 

 5.  Name three of your favorite books from your youth (whatever age that means to you.) that had an impact on you.

The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein, The Phantom Tollbooth by Norton Juster, The Diary of Anne Frank by Anne Frank

 6.  What are you reading right now, or what’s on your to-read list for when you have time?

I prefer to read non-fiction. Biographies in particular. I'd love to have time to read more, from an actual book. I do use the Kindle app too. Right now I'm reading lots of recipes and cooking blogs.

 7.  What’s your favorite dessert of all time?

I'm not a big sweets eater. But I think it's a tie between chocolate mousse and creme brulee. 

8.  Tell us about a special pet you have, had, or would like to have. (Never wanted a pet, that’s okay too.)

I miss my pets. We have none currently. But my black kitty, Spaz, was such a loving kitty with a spunky personality. And our pomeranian, Simba, was just the sweetest dog ever. He knew lots of tricks! We loved them both so much and still miss them.


9.  What’s something people don’t know about you and might be surprised to learn?

I always thought I would work in the music industry. Either in the Recording Studio, or even as a Roadie. 

10.  Do you believe healthcare is a privilege or a right?

Everyone should have access to healthcare without the risk of becoming bankrupt or having to burden or bankrupt their family. Healthcare here in the US is completely effed up.

11.  What’s your favorite thing about blogging and/or reading blogs?

Blogging, for me, has been like therapy.  And I have "met" sooo many wonderful people through blogging. Some of my best friends I most likely will never get to meet in person.  

12.  What’s something you really suck at?

Blogging, lately.  And complicated math.    

13.  What’s something you’re pretty good at?

I think I'm pretty good at cooking. Especially spaghetti sauce lately.

14.  How do you escape from cancer (or life in general) worries?

Now that I am living back in coastal Georgia, I like to take what I call a "Mental Health Day" from time to time. We'll either go to the beach, or to our Historic Downtown district. I am a native tourist. 

 

Well, that was pretty fun! 

Ten Years Have Got Behind You....

I have officially been NED for 10 years now.  (As far as anyone can tell.)  It went pretty quickly, and super slowly, all at the same time.

It is the only cancer related date I celebrate. I acknowledge them all, but only this one has me raise a glass anymore. And it's always a nice martini.

I always want to give a big shout out and send much love to all who participated in my care and treatment. Big, big love to you 
Dr. V, Dr. W, Dr. L, Dr. D, and all the wonderful day surgery nurses whose names I don't know, and especially my friend and chemo nurse, Ms. C, and also my ob/gyn nurse and long time friend Ms. F!

I'm also so thankful to the friends, both in real life friends, and those online friends I most likely will never meet in person. Y'all know who you are. Huge hugs from us in Georgia to you all.

And of course, my love, my O, and my mom..... All my family. Y'all know how I feel for y'all. Super lucky to have all of you. 

Grateful doesn't come close to describing the emotions when I look back on these past 10 years. Grateful, but also, still grappling with "the fear". That insidious asshole that lives constantly in the back of my mind. And I'm working on some fresh words about that, so that, especially right now, is a topic for another post.

So, join me, won't you, in raising a glass to NED, what I like to call "cancer-freeness", and also let's raise a finger to cancer.

Thought I'd something more to say...... But I don't. Here I am on the anniversary of the cancer-freeness on June 23.

In case y'all were wondering what 10 years of cancer free-ness looks like.
July 23, 2019

It's Been Too Long, I'm Glad To Be Back! Nancy's 2018 Summer Blogging Challenge

Sooooo, it's technically not even summer anymore, but I can't not participate in Nancy's Summer Blogging Challenge. I think I've participated every year since it started in 2015 when the challenge was to share stuff about yourself. So my 2015 post and the 2016 post were so fun because we all learned interesting and random things about our blogging friends. Last year I wasn't as late and I am this time.

As many of y'all know, we've been in a bit of a transition for just over a year and have been moving and trying to get set up in our new home for the last little while. Like, O and I have moved 4 times in the last 3 years. Three of those 4 moves were cross country. I'm hoping that I really can get back to blogging, at least more than I have been the last couple of years, now that we will be able to stay put.

Yes, I continue to be always SO late to the party. But better late than never, right? 

2018 Summer Blogging Challenge Questions! 

1.  How long have you been blogging (or reading blogs)?

I started blogging in August 2008. It was not a cancer blog at that time. And in 2009 that changed. 

2.  How has your blog changed?

Well, it appears to have gone dormant. It started off really as a CarePage, to keep friends and family up to date on my treatment, and then I decided to chronicle my hair loss and regrowth journey and just other random things that happen in life, like how it seems O and I can't ever seem to get food after a late or hard day.

3.  What is your biggest blogging challenge/frustration?

Time to write and what to write about. 

4.  What is your favorite post that you’ve written (or read)?

The Hair Regrowth Timeline post of course. I love to get the comments from readers who say it has helped them with the whole losing your hair from chemo thing. It's not a vanity thing to be so upset about the hair loss. This post gets clicked on daily from people all over the world. 

5.  What are your goals for your blog? (Why do you read blogs?)

Lately it would be to just get one written! Like, I have over 50 incomplete posts in a draft folder. Wonder if I'll ever get back to blogging regularly. I really hope so. It was really like therapy for me and I've made SO many friends in the cancer blog community from blogging. I used to try to get a post out each week. Lately, have just had no time to write or even be online much, with being in such a transitional phase and all. 

6.   How many blogs do you read on a regular basis?

I'm not sure.... I'm sad to have to admit that I haven't been able to read my favorites for a few months now, and hope that will change. But go check out my Blogs I Like tab at the top of my page.

7.   How do you determine what to share and what not to share; in other words, do you have blog boundaries? (or comment boundaries)

Sometimes...I try to respect privacy and I don't use full names in my posts. Some personal subjects I just don't blog about. And lately, pretty much don't blog at all, so there's that lol!

8.  When things get hard, what keeps you blogging (or reading blogs)?

Umm...........yeah.

9.  What is your biggest Cancer Land pet peeve today, right now, this minute?

The cancer warrior language. In particular, when people say that someone "lost their battle with cancer". OMG I HATE that so much. Nobody loses! I think this will always be my biggest cancer land pet peeve.

10.  What one piece of advice would you offer to a new blogger?

Be honest, be yourself and just do it! And don't look to me to be any sort of role model. I'm SO not. 

11.  Share something most people do not know about you. A secret sort of thing.

I like to make people laugh. Not that I could ever do stand up or anything, but, like, when hanging out and chatting....if I can get some laughs when I'm trying to be humorous, I love that. And sometimes I think I'm being funny and I'm so not. And I have been told more than once that I do tell some pretty corny jokes. Wow, that's not a very juicy secret, is it? There's not much about me that most people don't know... Guess I'm kind of an open book...

12.  What do you enjoy doing in your spare time?

Eating good food. OMG I sure do love to eat. And cook. O and I enjoy cooking together. We love to share our food with family and YES, I am that person who takes photos of our food and posts them on social media. Yep. 

And with that, I hope this to be the beginning of the end of my blogging hiatus. 

September 2018

Just A Fading Memory....

So.....2017 has been really, REALLY weird. Not just for me and in my life, but just in general. In the world. Hasn't it? Is it just me?

First...we've lost way too many of our breast cancer blogging friends and advocates. Like, the tab at the top of this blog, "Blogs I Like"....So many of these beautiful people are gone now. It hurts. It's a punch in the gut & the punches just keep on coming. More really does need to be done in the arena of research and monies for stage iv. And that is all I have to say about that.  

Also, the stupid political climate. Just...OMG....It's true, I don't usually speak of politics here, but c'mon now! What's happening in our politics, with our President in particular, is NOT NORMAL! 

What else....Kneeling, #MeToo, the revolving door of staff in the White House .... "covfefe" .... Ok, seriously .... after everything that's happened .... how do we STILL have this Cheeto-In-Chief who can't keep his tiny hands off his Tweety Button?!!!! GAWD!!!

Normal? Ummmm, no.

2017 was wrought with so much dissension... so much divisiveness, protests and violence at rallies and in the streets broadcast live across all modes of media. 

2017 has been not only weird, but also very difficult. So much loss, change, ups and downs..... 

So, most of my regular readers (Ha ha ha!!! Like I write regularly!!) and Facebook followers know that O and I did the whole Texas to Georgia relocation thing. Again. A little different this time. Ok, well, a LOT different this time. 

First, right off the bat, I learned of the passing of my biological father, from whom I have been estranged....And that story is a whole other can o'worms that I am still not sure how to feel about. 

Then the sudden, unexpected loss of a very close family member in January, was not how any of us expected 2017 to start. O and I had been back in Texas since October 2015, and had pretty much successfully pushed a "Reset" button on our life, and then it happened. 

We flew on airplanes about every six weeks to Georgia and back, starting with attending the funeral...and if you know me, you know how terrifying that is for me and how absolutely dreadful it was for O to have to deal with me in flight.  And then we just moved in June.

We got here just in time to ride out Hurricane Irma. Which was awful. We were going to evacuate to northwest Georgia, and therefore didn't stockpile any supplies, until, at the VERY last minute, Irma decided to turn and go straight up to where we were going to go. So we stayed. O's first hurricane. We didn't have any damage. We were lucky. Three major hurricanes....Harvey, Irma and Maria.... So close together. What is happening to our planet??

October brought a cancer scare for me. A 3D mammogram, my first, showed a suspicious area. Ultrasound and needle biopsy later, it was nothing. And I'm pretty sure I would not have gone through this at my regular mammogram place in Texas....November brought a similar scare to my mother....also nothing. Thankfully.

Life is just different. Different good and different not so good. But that's life, eh?

We have reconnected with family, some damaged relationships have been restored, some estrangements have been reconnected. These are the best things that happened for us in 2017.

Sunset At The Beach - December 2017

Ah, 2017....when I reflect on it, it just seems so....so.....noisy. If that makes sense. Thus my inability to get blogs out. And I'm not so sure I'm at all enamored with how this post reads either.


2017 is over. Gone. I'm glad. 

Goodbye 2017. 

Magic Bus....

This is just a brief bit of random rambling that's been in my head for years......

So, sometimes, I think we have to choose what sort of things are worthy of argument. Ya know? And for me, those things change with time. What once was not worthy of a heated discussion, now may very well be worthy of that and more.

So....Had a bit of a cancer scare in October. Had my first ever 3D mammogram.  Which led to the ultrasound.  And then the needle biopsy.  It wasn't cancer.  

December 2017

It was like 2009 all over again.  Sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.  All the memories of surgeries, chemo, baldness....and the way people attempted to comfort me.  One way in particular that really pissed me off and still does to this day is when someone tells you something along the lines of "You really should just try not to worry and stop wasting so much time and energy with being so upset. I mean, we're all going to die, eventually...one way or another...of something. You could get hit by a bus tomorrow..." And I just sit and smile.... 



Well, I did in 2009 - 2010, but pretty sure Imma have a whole bunch to say back if this kind of shit gets said to me ever again when I am being stressy about bc. 

Yes, the Magic Bus. The one you won't see and just step right out in front of.  Or the one that jumps up on your sidewalk.  

Yes, we all will die of something.  But having had breast cancer, you are kind of put on notice that the chance of it being sooner rather than later just increased. 

Just been on my mind again after the cancer scare. 

So I guess I'm just trying to say that, this kind of "advice" really doesn't do anything but trivialize my feelings and stressyness...and in my eyes, kinda makes you look like an asshole. 

Just sayin'.....

Too much, magic bus.  

And Everything Is All Right ....

April 2017

Soooooooo, gonna try to share some fresh, rambly words. Dunno how interesting they will be but my draft file has like 55 unfinished, re-working & rambling thoughts in it. Bout ready to just shit can the lot.

Any-ol-way.....I had my annual visit with my most awesome oncologist, Dr W last month. (Are y'all shocked that I stayed silent online about that? Yeah, me too.) I was a bit surprised that I actually got to see HIM, rather than his partner, since he called me in February to tell me personally, that he was leaving the practice, and that he will be working with IBM and this Watson Technology in Oncology and cancer Research. (Told ya my oncologist is the bomb!) So I was super thrilled to get the call a week prior to my appointment with the other partner oncologist, inviting me to see my Dr W!!!

And the visit was pretty typical...congrats on his new upcoming position, catch up chitty chat, an exam, declared that I'm still NED....and then he said a few things that kind of caught me off guard. First was an answer to O's question....could the radioactive iodine I had to take in 1997 for my Graves Disease have possibly caused my breast cancer..... And Dr W was like, well, I suppose it might have....it's definitely possible, but the radioactive iodine is mostly taken up into the thyroid, so can't really say yes or no. But maybe. 

Ok, it had never even occurred to me that this may have played a role. And no, I'm not getting caught up in the whole "was it something I did/didn't do" blame game thing...not at all.

But then Dr W said something that has made me kind of uncomfortable and it's just been on my mind ever since. He said, basically, given that I'm nearing the 8 year mark, and all the surgeries and treatments I had, plus Herceptin for the full year, and the nature of the type of breast cancer I had, (ER neg / PR weakly 9% pos / HER2 pos) he feels I can pretty much rest assured that I'm "done with this". And that, unless I become symptomatic or feel the need, and as long as I keep doing my mammograms and annual physicals with good blood work results, it is entirely up to me if I wish to continue seeing an oncologist at all. Be it him or anyone else. 

O looks at me and is all like "Doesn't that make you feel better?" 

Dr W is very, very good and highly regarded in oncology. So I chime in with the typical, "Yeah, but you do still hear of metastasis happening even after 20 or more years of cancer freeness...I mean, I pretty much learn of it happening to someone almost every day! So, I can feel reasonably good, but it would be irresponsible for any doctor to tell a breast cancer patient they are 100% D.O.N.E. Right?" 

Dr W agreed, that no, nothing is ever 100%, but he's pretty damn confident. 

Even though he is leaving practicing daily, he is apparently still going to be around several times a month. I decided to go ahead and make another appointment for next year, and then if I don't feel the need for it, I'll just cancel it. But I did get a warm fuzzy when he told the schedule chick to put me down for next year, on the Friday with HIM! I know...I am a weirdo about my doctors...every single one of them. Well, except Dr C....

Anyway, yes we did go celebrate with the annual, much over priced Grey Goose Martini with bleu cheese olives. But does Dr W's confidence totally chase away "the fear" I still deal with?

Nope.

Not. One. Bit.

(Maybe a little.)

Does Anybody Know How The Story Really Goes...

March 2017

So, thanks to several of my blogger friends, I came across this raw, honest and powerful post... Reminded me a bit of what I was thinking when I posted the following blog post in November 2014. And since I still can't seem to bring myself to write fresh words, just another re-share...I hope to write something soon, and it will probably have nothing to do with cancer. 

I think I think so...  


I'm Super! Thanks For Asking!

How many times, when you ask someone how they're doing, do you really want to know how they are doing? Do you ask cause you really want to know, or is it just part of your greeting? And when people say they're doing fine/great/super, do you think they really are doing fine/great/super, or is their reply just an automatic response to a greeting?  

I used to do breast cancer so much differently.  In 2009, once I was able to stop crying and pull my shit together after getting the diagnosis, I had made up my mind that I was "tougher and WAY cooler than any stupid infiltrating ductal carcinoma", stage 3a.  And I put on my pink stuff and told any and everybody who would listen that I "HAD bc.  Past tense".  And that I have "already beaten it, cause my scans are clear!"

Oh how naive.  How naive and how unprepared I was.  

And for a couple of years, when someone would see me out and about, they would ask "How are you doing? How are you feeling?"  And regardless of how I was actually doing or feeling at the time, I would chirp "I'm GREAT! I'm kickin cancer's ass!" *Hug* "Thanks for asking! How are YOU?" And then sometimes the convo would go on about what was going on treatment wise, which I would riddle with jokes and sarcastic comments, sort of giving the finger to bc.  I tried to be as humorous as possible and appear to be the most courageous, bad ass, cancer ass kicker anyone had ever seen.  

*Insert eyeball roll here*

At least half of the time back then, if I had answered truthfully, I would have said that I was really terrified of the surgeries pending.  Or that I was totally upset that I'm bald.  And it wasn't until active treatment ended that it occurred to me that, bc people are never, ever really out of the woods. And I spent a good 2 years in a state of complete panic over the possibility of recurrence, or mets.  So during that time, if I had been honest, I would have expressed those thoughts, rather than "I'm great! *Insert # of years* cancer free (?!) and still kickin!"

*Insert eyeball roll here*

Why did I do this?

Because I didn't (still don't) think some people want to hear the horror story that is the new normal for a bc person.  And I'm pretty sure that if I had been 100% honest with everyone, all the time, some people would probably stop asking about how I am. Maybe even go the other way when they see me coming... 

I think it's because it makes people sad, or fearful when they hear someone with bc not doing the whole Pink *Rah Rah, I'm a Warrior! I Fight Like A Girl! I kick cancer's ass!*  stuff and then they just think that you're not doing it right.  You're supposed to be wearing a pink tutu and boa and shouting "C'mon cancer! Bring it on! I got this!"  

Whatever.  I can't do that shit anymore.  Haven't been able to in awhile.  

And here's another reason why...Honestly, some people don't know me well enough for me to have even wanted to be all full disclosure with them. But I no longer "chirp" the pink party line.  Just can't do it. 

So if I do say "I'm SUPER! Thanks for asking!", I actually mean it. 

"Don't you think I look cute in this hat?"