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Tuesday, August 27, 2019

Mine Is Forever.......


My outlook. My thoughts. My opinions. My expectations.


May 2018
*Here is a majorly rambling rework of what was supposed to be my post back in June 2018, on the anniversary of my diagnosis. It's not a flowery post. And I also feel the need to express that I'm not going around all gloom and doom, pissed off and sad all the time. And I'm not all cancer all the time either.*

*Additional edit, July 2019...I can't believe I'm still re-working this stupid thing! GAWD*

*Final Additional Edit: This is coming out on the 10 year mark of my first sit down in the chemo recliner. Whatever.*

A rambling muse that's been running around in my head.

You know how sometimes an experience can change the way you think, or feel about a person, place or thing? And how, sometimes, that change lasts a long, long, looooooong time, and other times not so long? Maybe a week, or a month. A year...maybe longer?

Example: "I couldn't eat hot dogs for about 10 years after I got food poisoning from eating some when I was about 12."

Or, like the time you just weren't in the mood to do a thing because of the bad day you're having, but maybe you'll want to do the thing tomorrow, hoping it will be a better day.

Might last a day. Yeah...

I still think of my life in terms of "bc/ad" - "beforecancer / after diagnosis."  And I am for sure a different person after cancer. Pretty sure not for the better.  Some people claim that getting cancer turned out to be a "gift" in their life. Made them feel a deeper gratitude and stuff and they are SO much better off for having had it... This is not, nor has it ever been my feeling about having to go through all the shit that one goes through because cancer happened to you. And I'm not trying to tell anyone how to do their cancer. However you do/deal with it, it's right for you. Likewise, please don't tell me how to do or feel about my cancer.

I find it more and more difficult to be honest with some people abouthow I feel. Because, apparently, there are still those who will shame you for still being pissed off that you had cancer. Or be all annoyed because you are going through a bit of scanxiety on mammogram day. Because, you know, I'm 10 years out. I'm not supposed to think about recurrence or metastasis or have any non-flowery feelings anymore. Cause so many others have it so much worse...worse cancers even. (There are no good/better cancers out there btw...) BUT, let me remind you, again, 30% of those diagnosed with early stage breastcancer will become stage IV. Still. STILL!!! Let's not take off on that tangent.

June 2018
Here's the thing...I'm SO grateful for SO many people, places and things. But the cancer experience isn't one of those things. "Thanks" to cancer, my whole outlook, thoughts, opinions, expectations, whole inner monologue has changed. And not for the better. Maybe not for the worse either, but that would depend on who you are talking to about how "she's different since the cancer"..... Which was actually said about me to someone the minute I left a room (in a bit of a huff) one time in the not so distant past.... And it was said with a touch of irritation that I'm so different now.

When I first started taking my lump around to the doctors, I was assured that it's "probably nothing because the mammogram was clear, and there is no family history, and being not quite even 40 years old....probably just a fibroid."

Yeah. So I hoped for and expected the absolute best outcome when I went in for the re-check.

And that went well, didn't it?! Stage 3 infiltrating ductal carcinoma with 4 of 15 positive lymph nodes.

So expectations of things, of results and outcomes....changed. For the worse. I get it. It does bother me. It annoys those close to me, too. 

It seems that I now anticipate the worst result in everything. Not just cancer stuff. Everything. I do, however, always hope for the best. Wish for the best outcome or results in anything and everything. And at the same time, expect the absolute worst.

Cancer did not make me an all new and improved version of myself. Didn't make me stop and smell the flowers more or anything. (I'm more, stop and smell the toast If anything, I think it amplified everything about me. The good, the bad and the ugly.

In a recent (well, recent at the time of the first draft of this post! lol!) conversation, I was told that I have "such a pessimistic outlook". Well, sorry about that. These days...and especially these days, in our majorly fucked up all the cancer crap...yeah....I'm pretty pessimistic and pissed off in general about lots of things, while still managing to seek out fun and try to enjoy life. And yes, I do try to live in the moment...but that's a hard one for me lately.

Look, I'm pretty sure I've always had a pretty pessimistic outlook, in general. And now, probably even more so.

Lately, I don't even recognize myself in many ways...this country....this life.

Mine is forever....
July 2019


Anonymous said...

Hi Kimberly!

Great post your last one!

I feel the post-BC stage of my life in so many ways exactly like you, and especially that "hoping for the best but expecting the worst" thing...!

The most important changes AD I noticed, were:

-I lost the feeling I was young. It is not as if I feel I am old, but simply I do not feel young anymore (I was 44 when diagnosed). It is a menthal issue I think, it's not referringo to a particular physical change or something like this.

-I was a bold person before, and I am not so anymore

-Lost the feeling that everything "will be OK forever and ever" we all have until we face a major problem. I had never been seriously ill in all my life and the BC simple eradicated from me the notion that "it is something that happens to other people, not me"

-Absolutely lost the feeling that I am the one who control things. Not nice at all to experience the sensation that basically nothing depends on you.

-Changed completely my attitude towards nutrition. Before BC I didn't care at all about what I ate / drank, ever; since then, I am WAY more interested in and careful about nutrition, and in general, healthy way of living.

There are many other things, but there's no need to write them all.

What I would tick as a gain is that now I am much less disposed to be with people with whom I do not want to be.

Better than nothing...



LunaTechChick said...

Hey Evelyn!
Glad to know someone else understands. I have pretty much all of those same feelings, along with some others regarding some life factors that I just don't blog about.

Thanks so much for hanging with me here.