(REPRISE: 15 Years) I'm Still Standing...

June 4, 2024

First, I am grateful to still be here.  SO grateful. It was 15 years ago today that I received that dreaded, awful phone call from Dr. D.  Before I even picked up the phone, my ears began that high-pitched ringing & rushing sound.  And then he said it.  "The pathology came back positive for breast cancer."  

Your blood like winter freezes just like ice. 

And like in 2013, I still wonder why I feel the need to mark all these damn cancer dates down on a calendar.  But yes, I do.  All of them.  Still.  And O & I are still waiting on that "someday".  It's never over.  Ever. 

But less of the focus for sure.  

I guess I have about as much to say about it today as I did when I posted 

Once You Know You Can Never Go Back... in 2015.

And here I am at 55.  And I'm Still Standing....

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm Still Standing....

June 2009. About a week before D-Day.

Four years ago this week.  On June 30th actually. My whole world changed.  I got the phone call that the pathology was in from the biopsy & it was positive for breast cancer. 

I can't believe four years have passed.  I don't even really have a whole lot to say about it, but I just feel the need to remember it & several other days that have to do with it.  D-Day...NED day...first & last chemo days....head shave day...

Why?  Why do I mark these days on the calendar year after year?  Only thing I can think of is that having to go through the bc bs is hard. 
Damn hard.  And once you've had it, things are never, ever the same again. 

I'm pretty sure O hopes there will someday be a time when I'm totally & finally done with all the cancer stuff.  So do I.  But I really don't think you're ever totally just DONE with it, once you've had it.  I do know that it isn't so much the focus....like I no longer eat, sleep, breathe, walk & talk cancer 24/7 like I once did.  But it's always there...looming.  Like a dark cloud that just can't wait to strike like lightning....every single time I have the slightest ache or pain...or spot...or pimple...or pretty much anything.  And pleeeeeease don't mention any symptom of anything at all to me.  Ever.  *Furrows brow in the direction of Dr's V, W & C & even F*  Cause remember, I truly am THE Master of Psychosomatics. Yeah.

Eh, anyway....Four years later.  And I'm Still Standing. 

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Things Fall Apart...

 It's scientific.

My 50th year is going by too, too fast.

You'll never, ever hear me complain about getting older.  I've said it many times before, getting old is a privilege denied to many.  However, the EFFECTS of aging?  I will definitely complain.  Often.  Loudly. 

December 2019

First, I am getting jowly.  The jowls are apparent.  Which leads me to my second complaint:  Gravity.  Fuck you, gravity.  Pulling those jowls and other parts earthward.  Which leads me to my third complaint:  Difficulty losing weight.  I lost about 21 pounds in 2007, only to be told in 2009 that my chemo might cause me to gain up to 30 pounds.  I was all like, fuck that!  I ate my usual strict South Beach diet all through chemo.  Gained a little weight.  But not a whole bunch.  And promptly took it right back off.  And now, I've been not so strict in my diet, especially since moving home to Georgia.  Hey, what can I say, #hushpuppieshappen, right?  And cheese grits.  And fried seafood.  Anyway, thanks to the slower metabolism, and that asshole gravity, even if I DO take off this excess weight, my favorite jeans most likely still will not fit me well again because stuff isn't where it once was.  Ya know?

Damn!

Anyway, yeah, lots more gray hairs, and this crazy deep wrinkle between my eyebrows, as well as my inability to read my phone without readers reminds me that I am SO lucky to still be here, as I approach my 11th year, post diagnosis. 

So, yeah.  I'll be 51 in June, and 11 years out.  And I'm still very much afraid of the cancer coming back.  That's not going to change, as Shannen Doherty reminded us today.  As if we needed reminding. So sad for her.  For us all, really.

So, yeah.  This one's short, but it's part of what's been on my mind more and more as I continue to be privileged.  

2020 24 Hours To Go...

November 2019

I wanna be sedated.....  

Seriously.  Thank you cousin S for the lovely Effen Vodka.  Sedation happening in 3 - 2 - 1... Kidding!  (Am I?) 

I wish I could say "nothing to do, nowhere to go" but lately, LTC runs with scissors!! As in, it's been crazy time around here these last couple of weeks.

Anyway....

Goodbye 2019.  Goodbye 20Teens.  

I don't really have a whole lot to say about this past year.  The decade, though, has been all about fucking cancer.  As will the rest of my life, however long or short it will be.  And also moving.  Texas to Savannah to Texas, back to Savannah.  

So yeah, being 10 years out from cancer should make me feel victorious, right?  Wrong.  I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Now, more than ever, is when it might rear it's ugly head.  But then, this has been my thinking since the day after active treatment ended, so...  

I'm glad to say, as I have before... This has been a pretty uneventful year.  As in, no cancer scares, no biopsies....  Pretty ho-hum and I'll take it.  This is a good thing in cancerland.  It has also been chock full of family, fun and food.  My kinda year.

I'd love to be able to report so many things accomplished this year, but I can't.  I did get my Realtor® license though.  And that was pretty awesome, given that I had the discipline to self study online and actually pass the test on the first try.  So there's that.

June 2019 - 50 years old

I also turned 50.  Five Zero.  
The Big Five Oh.  (The other F Word!)  Received my AARP Card even!!  And then promptly prescribed cholesterol medication.  Awesome.  

I'm thankful for so much though.  I am blessed to have my O with me here in Savannah.  And the family.  And to still be NED.  

Just wanted to take a minute to say thanks for hanging out with me here, especially since my posts are getting fewer and fewer.  Maybe in the 2020s that will change.  I really cherish the relationships I have with you all thanks to technology and social media.  

Please join me in raising a glass, and a middle finger to the end of this decade.  May the 2020s be b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶  good to us all.

Also, VOTE.

I, Hate Everything About...

This ad.

(The following is a short rant that's been boiling in my head for several weeks.  Apologies for the lack of cohesive thought here.)

This stupid ass thing has been clogging up my news feed on social media for weeks.  And I hate it.  I hate that, of course, she's wearing pink.  Hate the fist pump.  Hate the "warrior" triumphant facial expression.

Find. Treat. Live.  REALLY??? Mammograms do NOT save lives people!  Mammograms detect the presence, or lack thereof, cancer. Period.  And, if your 3D mammograms detects cancer, and it is stage IV.... Peace of mind?  

No. A 3D mammogram is NOT peace of mind.  Sure as hell wasn't for me my first time at the 3D rodeo.  Rather, it landed me straight in panic mode, as it detected something the radiologist wanted to have biopsied.  So, no.  It provided zero peace of mind.

I posted a comment on the ad stating these thoughts, amid all the "Yes it is" and "Getting mine next week" posts.  I even private messaged the page thinking...hoping for a reply and even removal of this stupid thing.  But no. I still see it.  Like, just now saw it and decided to come here and bitch about it.

And, when I do go to get my third 3D mammogram, every single damn employee and technician will have some sort of pink bullshit on their outfit or lab coat.  

So over it.  I'm also considering moving my mammogram to the first of the year, since it has somehow managed to land in Pinktober, rather than in September.

September 2016

Again, as in years past, I am reclaiming October for Halloween and spooky fun.  

The end.

Mine Is Forever.......

Changed.

My outlook. My thoughts. My opinions. My expectations.

Changed.

May 2018

*Here is a majorly rambling rework of what was supposed to be my post back in June 2018, on the anniversary of my diagnosis. It's not a flowery post. And I also feel the need to express that I'm not going around all gloom and doom, pissed off and sad all the time. And I'm not all cancer all the time either.*

*Additional edit, July 2019...I can't believe I'm still re-working this stupid thing! GAWD*

*Final Additional Edit: This is coming out on the 10 year mark of my first sit down in the chemo recliner. Whatever.*

A rambling muse that's been running around in my head.

You know how sometimes an experience can change the way you think, or feel about a person, place or thing? And how, sometimes, that change lasts a long, long, looooooong time, and other times not so long? Maybe a week, or a month. A year...maybe longer?

Example: "I couldn't eat hot dogs for about 10 years after I got food poisoning from eating some when I was about 12."

Or, like the time you just weren't in the mood to do a thing because of the bad day you're having, but maybe you'll want to do the thing tomorrow, hoping it will be a better day.

Might last a day. Yeah...

I still think of my life in terms of "bc/ad" - "beforecancer / after diagnosis."  And I am for sure a different person after cancer. Pretty sure not for the better.  Some people claim that getting cancer turned out to be a "gift" in their life. Made them feel a deeper gratitude and stuff and they are SO much better off for having had it... This is not, nor has it ever been my feeling about having to go through all the shit that one goes through because cancer happened to you. And I'm not trying to tell anyone how to do their cancer. However you do/deal with it, it's right for you. Likewise, please don't tell me how to do or feel about my cancer.

I find it more and more difficult to be honest with some people abouthow I feel. Because, apparently, there are still those who will shame you for still being pissed off that you had cancer. Or be all annoyed because you are going through a bit of scanxiety on mammogram day. Because, you know, I'm 10 years out. I'm not supposed to think about recurrence or metastasis or have any non-flowery feelings anymore. Cause so many others have it so much worse...worse cancers even. (There are no good/better cancers out there btw...) BUT, let me remind you, again, 30% of those diagnosed with early stage breastcancer will become stage IV. Still. STILL!!! Let's not take off on that tangent.

June 2018

Here's the thing...I'm SO grateful for SO many people, places and things. But the cancer experience isn't one of those things. "Thanks" to cancer, my whole outlook, thoughts, opinions, expectations, fears....my whole inner monologue has changed. And not for the better. Maybe not for the worse either, but that would depend on who you are talking to about how "she's different since the cancer"..... Which was actually said about me to someone the minute I left a room (in a bit of a huff) one time in the not so distant past.... And it was said with a touch of irritation that I'm so different now.

When I first started taking my lump around to the doctors, I was assured that it's "probably nothing because the mammogram was clear, and there is no family history, and being not quite even 40 years old....probably just a fibroid."

Yeah. So I hoped for and expected the absolute best outcome when I went in for the re-check.

And that went well, didn't it?! Stage 3 infiltrating ductal carcinoma with 4 of 15 positive lymph nodes.

So yeah....my expectations of things, of results and outcomes....changed. For the worse. I get it. It does bother me. It annoys those close to me, too. 

It seems that I now anticipate the worst result in everything. Not just cancer stuff. Everything. I do, however, always hope for the best. Wish for the best outcome or results in anything and everything. And at the same time, expect the absolute worst.

Cancer did not make me an all new and improved version of myself. Didn't make me stop and smell the flowers more or anything. (I'm more, stop and smell the toast burning...so...) If anything, I think it amplified everything about me. The good, the bad and the ugly.

In a recent (well, recent at the time of the first draft of this post! lol!) conversation, I was told that I have "such a pessimistic outlook". Well, sorry about that. These days...and especially these days, in our majorly fucked up world....plus all the cancer crap...yeah....I'm pretty pessimistic and pissed off in general about lots of things, while still managing to seek out fun and try to enjoy life. And yes, I do try to live in the moment...but that's a hard one for me lately.

Look, I'm pretty sure I've always had a pretty pessimistic outlook, in general. And now, probably even more so.

Lately, I don't even recognize myself in many ways...this country....this life.

Mine is forever....

July 2019

Ten Years Have Got Behind You....

I have officially been NED for 10 years now.  (As far as anyone can tell.)  It went pretty quickly, and super slowly, all at the same time.

It is the only cancer related date I celebrate. I acknowledge them all, but only this one has me raise a glass anymore. And it's always a nice martini.

I always want to give a big shout out and send much love to all who participated in my care and treatment. Big, big love to you 
Dr. V, Dr. W, Dr. L, Dr. D, and all the wonderful day surgery nurses whose names I don't know, and especially my friend and chemo nurse, Ms. C, and also my ob/gyn nurse and long time friend Ms. F!

I'm also so thankful to the friends, both in real life friends, and those online friends I most likely will never meet in person. Y'all know who you are. Huge hugs from us in Georgia to you all.

And of course, my love, my O, and my mom..... All my family. Y'all know how I feel for y'all. Super lucky to have all of you. 

Grateful doesn't come close to describing the emotions when I look back on these past 10 years. Grateful, but also, still grappling with "the fear". That insidious asshole that lives constantly in the back of my mind. And I'm working on some fresh words about that, so that, especially right now, is a topic for another post.

So, join me, won't you, in raising a glass to NED, what I like to call "cancer-freeness", and also let's raise a finger to cancer.

Thought I'd something more to say...... But I don't. Here I am on the anniversary of the cancer-freeness on June 23.

In case y'all were wondering what 10 years of cancer free-ness looks like.
July 23, 2019

(REPRISE: 10 Years) Do You Remember The Time...

Ten years ago today. I'm pretty sure I roll this one out on Facebook every year, but this time, I'll re-post this one from 2014 as a Reprise. Funny how time seems to move so quickly and slowly, all at the same time. I have had several events remind me of how true that is. 

Today, for whatever stupid reason, I remember just about every single thing about the events of 10 years ago. Biopsy, lunch, some food shopping, and lots of news coverage about MJ. 

It was the beginning of "b.c." Before caner. The beginning of the end of life as we knew it.

This is also my birthday month. Ten years ago, after lump discovery, but before diagnosis, I was so happy to celebrate turning 40 with family and friends. And a couple of weeks ago, I enjoyed VERY much, turning 50 with family, friends and multiple celebrations. We were all celebrating not only the fact that, I am now eligible for my AARP card, but also that I can still be here. That we can still be together.  

Left turning 40 - 2009. Right turning 50 - 2019

I'm letting the birthday memories overtake the biopsy memories. May it remain so.


Do You Remember The Time...

Today.  Today marks five years since Michael Jackson passed away. Farrah Fawcett as well, but all you saw on TV was Michael Jackson. I remember this day well. Ok, not "well" but, rather, vividly. Because when I heard the news that the King Of Pop was dead, I was resting on the sofa, ice pack on my boob, really flipping the fuck out from having just had a biopsy.

It was the beginning of the shit hitting the fan in our life.

Although I do tend to Remember The Times through all the procedures and treatments, this particular one might have been forgotten...except for MJ. And Farrah.

It's Been Too Long, I'm Glad To Be Back! Nancy's 2018 Summer Blogging Challenge

Sooooo, it's technically not even summer anymore, but I can't not participate in Nancy's Summer Blogging Challenge. I think I've participated every year since it started in 2015 when the challenge was to share stuff about yourself. So my 2015 post and the 2016 post were so fun because we all learned interesting and random things about our blogging friends. Last year I wasn't as late and I am this time.

As many of y'all know, we've been in a bit of a transition for just over a year and have been moving and trying to get set up in our new home for the last little while. Like, O and I have moved 4 times in the last 3 years. Three of those 4 moves were cross country. I'm hoping that I really can get back to blogging, at least more than I have been the last couple of years, now that we will be able to stay put.

Yes, I continue to be always SO late to the party. But better late than never, right? 

2018 Summer Blogging Challenge Questions! 

1.  How long have you been blogging (or reading blogs)?

I started blogging in August 2008. It was not a cancer blog at that time. And in 2009 that changed. 

2.  How has your blog changed?

Well, it appears to have gone dormant. It started off really as a CarePage, to keep friends and family up to date on my treatment, and then I decided to chronicle my hair loss and regrowth journey and just other random things that happen in life, like how it seems O and I can't ever seem to get food after a late or hard day.

3.  What is your biggest blogging challenge/frustration?

Time to write and what to write about. 

4.  What is your favorite post that you’ve written (or read)?

The Hair Regrowth Timeline post of course. I love to get the comments from readers who say it has helped them with the whole losing your hair from chemo thing. It's not a vanity thing to be so upset about the hair loss. This post gets clicked on daily from people all over the world. 

5.  What are your goals for your blog? (Why do you read blogs?)

Lately it would be to just get one written! Like, I have over 50 incomplete posts in a draft folder. Wonder if I'll ever get back to blogging regularly. I really hope so. It was really like therapy for me and I've made SO many friends in the cancer blog community from blogging. I used to try to get a post out each week. Lately, have just had no time to write or even be online much, with being in such a transitional phase and all. 

6.   How many blogs do you read on a regular basis?

I'm not sure.... I'm sad to have to admit that I haven't been able to read my favorites for a few months now, and hope that will change. But go check out my Blogs I Like tab at the top of my page.

7.   How do you determine what to share and what not to share; in other words, do you have blog boundaries? (or comment boundaries)

Sometimes...I try to respect privacy and I don't use full names in my posts. Some personal subjects I just don't blog about. And lately, pretty much don't blog at all, so there's that lol!

8.  When things get hard, what keeps you blogging (or reading blogs)?

Umm...........yeah.

9.  What is your biggest Cancer Land pet peeve today, right now, this minute?

The cancer warrior language. In particular, when people say that someone "lost their battle with cancer". OMG I HATE that so much. Nobody loses! I think this will always be my biggest cancer land pet peeve.

10.  What one piece of advice would you offer to a new blogger?

Be honest, be yourself and just do it! And don't look to me to be any sort of role model. I'm SO not. 

11.  Share something most people do not know about you. A secret sort of thing.

I like to make people laugh. Not that I could ever do stand up or anything, but, like, when hanging out and chatting....if I can get some laughs when I'm trying to be humorous, I love that. And sometimes I think I'm being funny and I'm so not. And I have been told more than once that I do tell some pretty corny jokes. Wow, that's not a very juicy secret, is it? There's not much about me that most people don't know... Guess I'm kind of an open book...

12.  What do you enjoy doing in your spare time?

Eating good food. OMG I sure do love to eat. And cook. O and I enjoy cooking together. We love to share our food with family and YES, I am that person who takes photos of our food and posts them on social media. Yep. 

And with that, I hope this to be the beginning of the end of my blogging hiatus. 

September 2018

Rising Up To The Challenge Of.....

....My friend Nancy at Nancy's Point! Over the last 2 summers, Nancy has posted Blogging Challenges. This year's challenge is different than the last 2.... 

So, here are my answers to Ten Random cancer Related Questions:

1. Share anything you want about your cancer diagnosis (or your loved one’s). Share your age, cancer type, stage, when you were diagnosed, family history (if any), your reaction, how you learned the news, or whatever you’re comfortable sharing. 

So, I was 40. Freshly 40 at the time of my diagnosis, although I had been aware of the lump in my breast for a couple of weeks. I was diagnosed with ER negative, PR weakly positive (9%) HER2 positive breast cancer, stage 3A with lymph node involvement with 4 of 15 testing positive. I am the only one in my family (at that time) to have had any kind of cancer at all. I was home alone when I got the phone call from my ob/gyn and, just like you see in the movies, all I could hear was the rising sound of a high pitch and white noise...I don't know how I managed to write down the phone numbers of several surgeons who were recommended. And I had an appointment with my surgeon for the very next day at 9am. 

2. What is the most outrageous thing someone has said to you about your (or your loved one’s) cancer?

This is kinda hard to recall....so many things were said. But it might be the one where someone asked me, after the first lumpectomy did not have clear margins, if the second lumpectomy was unsuccessful, did I think I'd go ahead and get "that free boob job/tummy tuck" after the mastectomy...Yeah.  I was and am thankful the second attempt did have clear margins, and am happy with my decision to go lumpectomy rather than straight to mastectomy.

3. What is your biggest cancer pet peeve? I know it’s hard to choose, as there are many to pick from, right? But what irks you the most?

If you know me at all or have read my blog or interacted with me on social media, even a little bit, you probably know what my answer to this one is. The battle/war metaphor terms in the language of cancer. In particular, when it is said/written that someone has "lost his/her battle with cancer". JUST STOP IT!

4. What is something you want others to know specifically about breast cancer?

I think many of us bloggers agree on this one. There are so many things, but a couple in particular are that yes, people still die from breast cancer. Every. Damn. Day. Far too many. No matter how many pink parties you attend, or how many pink ribbon flanked pieces of merchandise you buy, no matter how much money you've donated to a Komen event. Just sayin...

5. If applicable, do you worry about recurrence rarely, from time to time or a lot? What is your biggest worry today, right now, this minute?

I do worry about recurrence & metastasis. Not as much as I used to, but for sure, any little ache, pain or anything can set of alarms for me. Currently, my biggest worry has to do with the state of healthcare in our country and the political climate. Scary, scary times these be. 

6. Do you feel cancer has made you a better person? Yes, I know this a loaded question. If you do, specifically in what way?

No. No I do not. I'd like to think I was already a pretty decent sort prior to my diagnosis. If anything, cancer has just amplified the good as well as the bad of me. 
7. What is your favorite cancer book? (No, I’m not fishing for mentions of mine!)

The C-Word.  I knew Lisa online only, as hers was one of the first blogs I read after I learned about my breast cancer. We chatted from time to time on Twitter. She offered encouragement and we shared some stories. And I know I'm just one of thousands she probably did this with. And I miss her.  Nuff said.

 8. Besides your family, where do you turn for emotional support?

My online blogger friends, naturally. And several wonderful ladies I met a breast cancer discussion forum in 2009, immediately after my diagnosis. Although it's very likely that I'll never meet these wonderful women in person, I do regard them as some of my nearest and dearest friends. And of course my bestie. You know who you are ;) 


9. How many cancer blogs do you read and why do you read them?

Well, I "follow" too many to count. I don't actively read as many with regularity as I once did. Time seems to be getting in short supply for the luxury of just chilling and reading. (And blog writing.) The "Blogs I Like" tab here on the blog is ever growing. 
10. Do you call yourself an advocate? If so, what drives you?

Eh, not really. I do speak out, contact my representatives, encourage others to do the same, but for sure not as actively as I'd like to, like many of my blogger friends have been and continue. Thanks y'all for advocating for us all. 

So that's my answers to Nancy's Random cancer Questions in this year's Blogging Challenge. 

Yesterday. Cause, can there really ever be enough photos
on the interwebs of  me next to a giant cock rooster?

Does Anybody Know How The Story Really Goes...

March 2017

So, thanks to several of my blogger friends, I came across this raw, honest and powerful post... Reminded me a bit of what I was thinking when I posted the following blog post in November 2014. And since I still can't seem to bring myself to write fresh words, just another re-share...I hope to write something soon, and it will probably have nothing to do with cancer. 

I think I think so...  


I'm Super! Thanks For Asking!

How many times, when you ask someone how they're doing, do you really want to know how they are doing? Do you ask cause you really want to know, or is it just part of your greeting? And when people say they're doing fine/great/super, do you think they really are doing fine/great/super, or is their reply just an automatic response to a greeting?  

I used to do breast cancer so much differently.  In 2009, once I was able to stop crying and pull my shit together after getting the diagnosis, I had made up my mind that I was "tougher and WAY cooler than any stupid infiltrating ductal carcinoma", stage 3a.  And I put on my pink stuff and told any and everybody who would listen that I "HAD bc.  Past tense".  And that I have "already beaten it, cause my scans are clear!"

Oh how naive.  How naive and how unprepared I was.  

And for a couple of years, when someone would see me out and about, they would ask "How are you doing? How are you feeling?"  And regardless of how I was actually doing or feeling at the time, I would chirp "I'm GREAT! I'm kickin cancer's ass!" *Hug* "Thanks for asking! How are YOU?" And then sometimes the convo would go on about what was going on treatment wise, which I would riddle with jokes and sarcastic comments, sort of giving the finger to bc.  I tried to be as humorous as possible and appear to be the most courageous, bad ass, cancer ass kicker anyone had ever seen.  

*Insert eyeball roll here*

At least half of the time back then, if I had answered truthfully, I would have said that I was really terrified of the surgeries pending.  Or that I was totally upset that I'm bald.  And it wasn't until active treatment ended that it occurred to me that, bc people are never, ever really out of the woods. And I spent a good 2 years in a state of complete panic over the possibility of recurrence, or mets.  So during that time, if I had been honest, I would have expressed those thoughts, rather than "I'm great! *Insert # of years* cancer free (?!) and still kickin!"

*Insert eyeball roll here*

Why did I do this?

Because I didn't (still don't) think some people want to hear the horror story that is the new normal for a bc person.  And I'm pretty sure that if I had been 100% honest with everyone, all the time, some people would probably stop asking about how I am. Maybe even go the other way when they see me coming... 

I think it's because it makes people sad, or fearful when they hear someone with bc not doing the whole Pink *Rah Rah, I'm a Warrior! I Fight Like A Girl! I kick cancer's ass!*  stuff and then they just think that you're not doing it right.  You're supposed to be wearing a pink tutu and boa and shouting "C'mon cancer! Bring it on! I got this!"  

Whatever.  I can't do that shit anymore.  Haven't been able to in awhile.  

And here's another reason why...Honestly, some people don't know me well enough for me to have even wanted to be all full disclosure with them. But I no longer "chirp" the pink party line.  Just can't do it. 

So if I do say "I'm SUPER! Thanks for asking!", I actually mean it. 

"Don't you think I look cute in this hat?"

Enjoy The Silence

February 2017

Yeah....I'm inspired by my friend the Cancer Curmudgeon. Since I'm apparently unable to write fresh blogs at the mo, may as well just re-post some old ones. So here's one from the end of February of 2015...when I was unable to write. 

Maybe I'll get back into it someday. But for now, I just can't even....

Funny How I Find Myself....

Blogging less and less....I know....I keep saying on Facebook that new, fresh blogs are coming, and then....nuthin.  

I've asked myself, how much do you...
Commit yourself?

Gonna ramble here a bit....

Maybe it's because there are so many, many great writers out there in the blogosphere (REAL writers with talent...you know, those who have actually published stuff and had features in HuffPo and stuff...) who just pretty much are reading my mind.  So I just share those posts.  I plan to add my own thoughts, but then stuff happens in the Real World, and then a topic becomes stale, and then it just never comes out. Like a post I did that will probably never see the light of day about that asshat doctor who thinks "cancer is the best way to die". Sure, I did a very ranty, profanity laden, tongue in cheek post, but by the time I got it finished....yeah....just kinda too past due. (And when O read it, he warned me to brace myself for suggestions of getting some anger management, if I do post it..lol...)

And once you've taken a big, fat blogging break, it's so hard to get back into it. Well, for me, anyway. 

I'd tell myself, what good do you do...
Convince myself.....

Another reason?  Although this blog is not only about my experience with breast cancer, it is mostly about my experience with breast cancer.  And these days, thankfully...SO thankfully...there's just not much to report. Except if I want to write about the residual anxiety and PTSD. Again. And again... Ahhh, such is life, post treatment, now that I only see the oncologist annually. Nothing much to report, but a whole shit load of anxiety from time to time. But mostly was about my total meltdown over having to lose my hair, thus the one post that does seem to help people, the Hair Regrowth Timeline. 

What not in the mood looks like

Here's the thing... I just have to be in the mood to get down to writing. And for several reasons, none of them cancer related, I just plain ol haven't been in the mood.  As a result, I'm learning that when it comes to writing, it's a use it or lose it type of thing.  Not that I've ever fancied myself an actual writer, one with any real talent. This blog simply started off as a CarePage to keep my family and friends apprised of my treatment and how things were going in cancerland, without having to write tons of emails and make tons of calls. 

It's My Life...

I've been told that my blog used to be much more humorous...that readers used to laugh more when reading posts from years ago.  Like when I would post about how difficult it is for O and I to grab a bite to eat sometimes...we call it "food fail", or "the Of Course factor". Have I lost my sense of humor? I hope not.  Maybe I used to be more open about things going on in our life.  And maybe there's just not a whole lot of happenings of interest to readers of the blog lately. I'm not a celebrity or anything. Who really gives a fuck that this or that happened while I was out and about doing this or that...Eh, maybe I'm running out of fucks to give about stuff, thus, less ranting about non cancer things.  

Maybe it's because I don't want to worry people that I know read my words. And then call me up, all kinds of concerned. And give all kinds of advice on how I'm dealing with this or that. (Another post for another time.) And then maybe it's because some people are super weary of my non brave, less than happy, anti pink attitude about having had this bc fucker. Like those who say "No doubt it will come back, as much as you worry and keep it on your mind! You are DONE girl! Get Happy!!" Yes, this, and worse, has been said straight to my face. Or maybe I just don't want to hear it from those who think just being positive is going to keep cancer away or from coming back... 

Funny how I blind myself....

I really did try to be that "pink, ass kicking bc warrior" type in the very beginning. It was the only thing I knew about breast cancer then. Oh yes, I flanked myself in that ribbon...the one that is the shade of Pepto Bismol. But then the light bulb came on when a dear friend, years out from a teeny, tiny, stage 1 breast cancer, double mastectomy, clear margins for miles, and aggressive chemo, turned up with metastasis to the lung. Fuck the pink rah-rah. (My friend is NED - "No Evidence of Disease" for years now, I'm super happy to say. Oh, and she's one of the most positive and caring people I've ever met.) I am not criticizing anyone who likes the pink, or the warrior language...I'm really not. I don't tell people how to "do" their cancer and don't like people telling me how I should handle mine. Whatever works for you, do that. All that pink and fighter/warrior stuff just isn't for me at this point of things. (Again, another post, or maybe a re-post, for another time.)

Of course I am so thankful for every day that I continue to be NED. I think lately I have been hesitant to do posts about non breast cancer stuff, or the fun stuff, or my gratitude for still being here almost six years later, when so many are still dying of breast cancer, and yet, there STILL is not nearly enough being done about it.  I dunno...  

And maybe writing just isn't working so much for me anymore lately. Or maybe it's just the time of year, when I tend to stay inside, out of the cold as much as possible, and cook comfort food and eat too much. Who wants to hear about that boring shit? LOL!

But, hopefully, with this post, and some very interesting times on the horizon, the LunaTech just might be back at it.