(REPRISE: 15 Years) I'm Still Standing...

June 4, 2024

First, I am grateful to still be here.  SO grateful. It was 15 years ago today that I received that dreaded, awful phone call from Dr. D.  Before I even picked up the phone, my ears began that high-pitched ringing & rushing sound.  And then he said it.  "The pathology came back positive for breast cancer."  

Your blood like winter freezes just like ice. 

And like in 2013, I still wonder why I feel the need to mark all these damn cancer dates down on a calendar.  But yes, I do.  All of them.  Still.  And O & I are still waiting on that "someday".  It's never over.  Ever. 

But less of the focus for sure.  

I guess I have about as much to say about it today as I did when I posted 

Once You Know You Can Never Go Back... in 2015.

And here I am at 55.  And I'm Still Standing....

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm Still Standing....

June 2009. About a week before D-Day.

Four years ago this week.  On June 30th actually. My whole world changed.  I got the phone call that the pathology was in from the biopsy & it was positive for breast cancer. 

I can't believe four years have passed.  I don't even really have a whole lot to say about it, but I just feel the need to remember it & several other days that have to do with it.  D-Day...NED day...first & last chemo days....head shave day...

Why?  Why do I mark these days on the calendar year after year?  Only thing I can think of is that having to go through the bc bs is hard. 
Damn hard.  And once you've had it, things are never, ever the same again. 

I'm pretty sure O hopes there will someday be a time when I'm totally & finally done with all the cancer stuff.  So do I.  But I really don't think you're ever totally just DONE with it, once you've had it.  I do know that it isn't so much the focus....like I no longer eat, sleep, breathe, walk & talk cancer 24/7 like I once did.  But it's always there...looming.  Like a dark cloud that just can't wait to strike like lightning....every single time I have the slightest ache or pain...or spot...or pimple...or pretty much anything.  And pleeeeeease don't mention any symptom of anything at all to me.  Ever.  *Furrows brow in the direction of Dr's V, W & C & even F*  Cause remember, I truly am THE Master of Psychosomatics. Yeah.

Eh, anyway....Four years later.  And I'm Still Standing. 

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hello It's Me...

 Hello, it’s me.

Does that conjure Adele for you, or Todd Rundgren?  Or maybe Dave Mustaine’s voice even?

But is it me?  Seems like I’m experiencing some physical changes lately that are annoying and causing me to not feel like me.  Hair texture is changing, eye hair is leaving, gravity is pulling things down and my skin is being weird.  But I guess that's just how it is in middle age.  As always, I’m grateful for even reaching middle age, but really not a fan of the effects.  Just sayin’.   

So I haven’t blogged in forever.  Well, for a year and a half as I type this.  Not much happening with cancer and that’s a really great thing.  Except for this:  Got my clear mammogram at a great new facility where the waiting room chairs are massage chairs, the robes are warmed and then you talk to the radiologist and he shows you the images. He recommended something I’ve never been told before.  He told me I should be having annual MRIs in addition to the mammo.  He told me it was the recommendation of the American College of Radiology for people like me.  People who were diagnosed with breast cancer before the age of 50 and in my case, due to the location of the tumor.  Mine was waaaayyyy back there like, really close to the armpit.  It’s loads of fun loading my scar into the mammogram machine, lemme tell ya.

Anyway, I have never, ever, through all the cancer stuff, ever had an MRI.  Ever.  I’ve had plenty of CT scans and X-rays, but never an MRI or even a PET scan.  And although it’s just a recommendation, an MRI has indeed been ordered.  I do love that the radiologist told me that “nothing at all has changed in 14 years”.  So, while I had that familiar feeling of relief, I am honestly nervous AF about this MRI.  Not just the procedure, but then the waiting and then the result.  What if it detects a reoccurrence, metastasis or even another kind of cancer?  And then there's the possibility that our health insurance won't cover it until our deductible is met. It's never met which is good news, but not so good for needing additional procedures.  So if / when they deny it, then what?  Do I just decide that it's good enough that the mammo is clear and the radiologist says all seems well?  I just might. 

So what’s been up with us over the last couple of years?  

I did do a few blog posts during the early part of the pandemic.  We cooked a whole lot during quarantine, which was fun since O and I love to cook.  We discovered we love the Instant Pot and air fryers.  We got into indoor gardening with the Aerogarden and started growing our own herbs and heirloom cherry tomatoes.  Love that.  

We took all 5 Moderna COVID-19 vaccines and boosters and have been happy to feel more confident to not wear masks in public places.  When I look back on the posts I did during the onset of the pandemic and quarantine, all those scary feelings come rushing back.  

What else....

May 2022

We renovated a great old house and made it our home and we just love it.  We’re closer to civilization and the family and that’s really nice.  We did as much as we could ourselves and contracted out things we knew better than to attempt ourselves.    The first thing we did was tear out the kitchen for a complete overhaul of every thing.  It's a totally different space now, as is pretty much the whole house and it's awesome!  The whole interior renovation took from May through October last year and exterior repairs and improvements continue and will continue probably forever.  So yes, that means we moved again.  I think that makes 5 moves in 7 years.  After having lived in the same home for 13 years.  
May this be the last one.

So yeah, pretty much just been renovating and moving.  Driving 50 minutes from where we were living to the renovation, working hard and then having to drive the 50 minutes back, most times in the dark, meant once again, there were issues with getting something to eat.  Cause cooking sure wasn’t happening much during that 5 month period.  Long-time readers probably remember the food fail posts.  It continues.  

O and I celebrated 22 years of marriage last month.  I am SO thankful to have him in my life. 

March 2023

 

Hello it's me...

I'll be 14 years NED in July, providing an MRI (IF I get it) doesn't say otherwise and as I'm approaching 14 years out from the cancer diagnoses, I'm so thankful for so much and for all of you...Friends, family, readers, followers, fellow blogger-friends and the online friends too (y'all know who you are).  Without all of y'all, I really don't know how we would have gotten through, not just the cancer, but the last several years of super scary uncertainty.  

Thank you.  

Love to all.  

Might As Well J̶u̶m̶p̶ Hop!

It's a day late for Nancy's Summer Blog Hop, but here goes anyway. 

1. Who are you? Tell us your genre, how long you’ve been at it, who or what inspires you or whatever you want us to know.

I am known online as Luna, LunaTechChick and also by my name Kimberly.  I started blogging in 2009.  I first started on a CarePage so there would be a central place for me to keep my family and friends up to date on what was going on with me during treatment for breast cancer.  I moved all of that content over to my blog and continued there.  When I learned I was going to lose my hair to chemo and not finding very many pictorials on how the hell long it would take to grow it back to normal, I documented my follicle chronicle with photos every 2 weeks and updated this post.  I tend to be a bit ranty.  Especially about the "pretty pink party" depiction of breast cancer.  

 2. What’s been your biggest blogging roadblock this year and did you come up with a way to get around it?  (If you didn’t, that’s okay too. We’re here to support you.)

Blogging.  Just sitting down and writing.  I've been blogging less and less and less.  After November of 2016 it REALLY became less as I was so despondent about what was happening politically.  And since there's not much going on (thankfully) in my cancerland, I don't blog much.  And now with the pandemic, you'd think I'd be here ranting constantly, but I can't seem to just do it.  But I will try.  So, starting with this (day late) post, time will tell if I find a way around it. 

3. What’s something you accomplished with your blog this year that you’re proud of?

Well, since I've only posted once this year until today, not much.  I guess, though late, I'm pleased with myself for doing this challenge.  Although late.  

4. What are a couple of your best blogging tips?

Use it or lose it.  My dry spells between blogs are getting longer and longer and it definitely shows in my writing.  I've never fancied myself a proper writer, but I think I used to be much better.  I always tried to have a sense of humor in posts.  I always tried to share some personal, non-cancer things too.  

5. How do you handle negative feedback or comments?

September 2021

Of course, negative or argumentative comments hurt.  

I have a very thin skin.  Always have.  If it's over the top offensive, or when commenters argue among themselves, they get the big delete.  Now, I also have received negative feedback in person.  Right. In. My. Face.  That's the worst.  

6. Share a link to a favorite post you’ve written THIS YEAR (or anytime if you’ve been a bit quiet) that you want more people to read.

The post on my hair regrowth is apparently very sought out. 

If You're Happy And You Know It... is a good insight into how I feel about people constantly telling people to be positive all the time, when we know that's just not possible. 

Scar Tissue That I wish You Saw...

Just Beat It...  - A rant.

Pretty much any on this list.

Yikes!  Got a little carried away there. 

Well, there it is.  Better late than never.  

So Cold Cold Cold!

Reynaud's Disease.  Apparently, I haz it.  I can't even believe it's taken me several years to finally consult with Dr. Google & figure out why it seems like my feet are like ice blocks much of the time and why my hands get so cold that my fingers go white.  Sometimes, creepy white.  It's not only when I am in a chilly environment either.  If I am experiencing high stress or anxiety, I notice that my fingers get super cold, even toes will get numb feeling.  And when this happened during a stressful and anxiety causing conversation recently, I finally looked it up and learned about Reynaud's Disease, or Syndrome, or Phenomenon.  Eh, cold hands, warm heart, right?  I don't know if it's a long term side effect from the chemo.  I have found some articles online that indicate it might be, but I didn't see any of the drugs I was given listed as known to cause it.  And really, I may have been experiencing this, especially in my toes, even before having cancer.  So there's that...

So anyway....  Haven't had a whole lot to report, which, on a cancer blog is a good thing.  I can say that my mammogram in November was still clear and my labs from my physical in December still look normal.  So in June, when it will definitly NOT be cold here, I will be 12 years NED.  

It's been really hard to even want to write (again) anything for ages it seems.  Thanks to the pandemic, and avoiding people, and cooking most of our meals, and then the political climate as of late...just seemed better to just be quiet.  On the plus side, the vaccines for COVID-19 are rolling out more and more.  We just gotta hang in there a bit longer.  We've been at this a long time now...  I remember a blog I did where I mentioned how my life was now divided into two parts, bc and ad....  

And now it's divided again.  BC - Before COVID.  

The last two weeks here have been so rainy.  Fog, mist, rain, thunderstorms.  And now our friends and family in Texas are dealing with a major winter storm situation, complete with lots of snow and rolling blackouts during record breaking low temps.  Y'all stay safe and warm.  

Mask up y'all!

So, yeah, just felt like I wanted to do a post to just say that I now feel like I know why I'm cold a lot of the time.  And to say I'm still NED, as far as anyone can tell.  

And I miss normal life.  I know you do too.  I never, ever imagined this is what real life would look like.  

Hang in there all.  I know there's warm light at the end of the tunnel.