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Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Same As It Ever Was...

September 2013
Well, I think I'm pretty much there....probably the very LAST hair regrowth update post. Today marks four years since my last chemo (not my last visit to the chemo room, since Herceptin continued on until the following August) & the hair is pretty much back to normal.  And guess what I'm doing today? I'm getting a HAIRCUT!!! Ok, a TRIM, but still!! Yay!!! 

I've been pretty thrilled with my hair for about a year, but there were still some areas of growing out to be done. Even now, I have all these weird lengths growing in, throughout my head, especially the underneath of my hair & deep in the sides...about six inches long.  But eh, I don't mind.  I am back to the routine styling techniques & products & it looks pretty much the same as it ever was.  Well, it's not quite as long as it was when it started falling out, but that's by my choice.  I've had a good three inches cut off over the last year or so, cause I want it to look good...not just long. Long hair sucks if it just looks totally fried.  Ya know?

Anyway...I'm gonna add these pics to that post that documents the Hair to Bald To Hair as the FINAL, "Mission Accomplished" hair post.  And unless something drastic happens with it, I probably won't post about it again, except to respond to comments on the Epic Hair Regrowth Post.  I respond to EACH and EVERY comment on my blog.  And I'm so happy that the hair chronicle post has been so helpful to so many.  =)

So as I reflect on this anniversary of the last chemo, December 10, 2009, I find myself thinking, "Well, how did I get here?" Letting the days go by......

Anyway, so here it is...these were taken in September, October & November 2013. 

October 2013
Novermber 2013

Same as it ever was...same as it ever was...same as it ever was........

Friday, December 6, 2013

Ice, Ice Baby

BRRRRRRRRRRRR it's COLD!! Cold cold cold. For me, anyway. I know there are much MUCH colder spots in the world right now, but this here, lows in the teens, highs in the 20s with all this ice all over the place is plenty damn cold enough for me. And my poor wax myrtle tree is bent all the way over. And it's not going to rise above freezing for another two days & I hope my little tree will survive & stand up straight again.  

This ice...I hate it

Monday, November 18, 2013

I'm Sorry But...

....I'm just thinking of the right words to say....

I'm pretty sure that this has been the longest break between blogs since I entered this blogosphere.  Sorry bout that.  

There's several things I've wanted to share, but just can't seem to find the words.  And other stuff that I choose not to blog, it is what it is.  

You know what they say...."If you can't say something nice...then come sit next to me.

Yeah, Pinktober kinda left me in a bit of a funk.  That & several other things.

Words just fail me these days, thus the lack of stuff to say here.  But I have several blogs in draft form...hope to get back into it....although I'm not sure for how much longer I will blog here with regularity.  I don't have to see any cancer doctors till March, and as long as cancer stays the hell away from me, I'll only be seeing Dr W in March annually, and Dr V in September annually after having an annual mammogram. 

And so on & so on & so on (and hopefully on & on & on & on...)

End of The September Oncology Tour 2013
And in case you were wondering, THIS is what getting all good reports from all cancer doctors looks like.  Yay! 

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

And You Just Don't Get It....

Holy mother of all fucked uppedness!  This image has been popping up in my news feeds since Pinktober began. 

And also this one, which is pretty much the same, but with those Pink words added.

(WARNING: Full on RANT about to commence)

Seriously??  Even though the thought of "No Bra Day" is sooooo offensive on it's own to soooooooo many of us who have been through it & to those who continue to live with bc....October 13?  The Official METASTATIC bREAST cANCER AWARENESS DAY????  And people want to seriously make this a "no bra day"? To "Support breast cancer" ?? (Remember, I never capitalize those words....).  I dunno about you, but I sure as hell have ZERO interest in supporting fucking bc. How bout let's support some research for the CURE for bc, or the prevention of bc and cancer OF ALL KINDS

The last thing I want to do is walk around without my damn bra on so the whole world can see that I now have a breast & a nipple is now waaaaaay up here & the other is waaaaaaaay down there....or showcase that I do still have some breasts when so many others had to sacrifice theirs so that they might live. Come on now people!! 

Copacetic? 'Fraid not. 

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Pretty In Pink....

Nope.  No it's not.  October. Here we go again.  Pink bc awareness month. Seems that every single year, my thoughts change on how I feel about all this pinkness.  Last year I was just kinda "meh" about it.

This year I'm just over the pink this & pink that.  No, I'm not one to get all militant about pink ribbons & pink everything in October.  But I'm starting to see that it's  just not fair.  WHY all this attention on bc?  Isn't every single damn part of your body able to get some sort of cancer? Why all the bc focus?  And why pink?

One thing I really have never understood is all this "Race for the Cure" stuff where you see ladies all decked in pink everything, complete with boas & tutus & tiaras.  I can't really understand how people appear to be all celebratory about bc awareness.  Believe me, the world is totally fuckin aware of bc. And before you come at me with the "they're celebrating survivors" stuff...I get that.  But at the same time, I kind of feel it's insensitive to those living with stage iv bc, & to the families of those taken by it.  Yes, when I first was diagnosed, I went to "Pink Out" things & did Relay for Life stuff...wore pink ribbons...but as I went through & continue to go through it, thoughts & feelings change, ya know? 

Now hear this: There is NOTHING Pretty In Pink about bc.  

So, September is Ovarian Cancer Awareness Month...where's their Teal Race? Or Leukemia's Orange Race?  And so on & so on....

But nooooo...let's just make a big ol fuckin party about bc.  Why?  Cause it's BOOBS? Everybody likes to look at boobies, right?

Well, I'm sorry that maybe you don't find a Pancreas as pretty as Boobies, but I sure would like to see even HALF the attention given to bc, shared with funding research for pancreatic cancer...or colon cancer, or....What, colons not cute enough for ya? 

Let's not forget that there are all kinds of fucked up cancers out there, ok? (Is there any other kind? I think not.)

I don't love that Fall now includes a visit to the oncologist. I love the fall.  Every year I start looking in certain craft stores as early as July for the first Halloween deco fun things.  And I always find them.  But now, even though I do still love the fall, it has been tainted a bit for me. Although I was diagnosed in the summer, the shit really started hitting the fan as fall approached. Chemo started in August. Head was shaved in September. And that, as y'all all know, was really the hardest now, even as I can feel the seasons changing, I'm also kinda ill feeling too, since September is now one of the months of my bi-annual Six Month Oncology Tours.  

And yes, I do have a pink ribbon on my car.  Some bc people still like it.  And maybe it'll get me out of a speeding ticket one day.  Now I mostly keep it there to help me find the damn car in a parking lot.

Please don't misunderstand me.  I don't have issues with those who like the pink ribbon. I am not offended by the pink ribbon.   I'm VERY honored when someone tells me they participated in a Pink *this or that* thinking of me or in my honor.  Love love love that.  And thank you so so so much.   

Just think before you pink. Seriously, the majority of this pink ribbon branded merch only donates the tiniest portion to bc research, if anything at all.


Ok, topic change...I made it through the Autumn Oncology Tour with flying colors.  Dr W said that if all is still well in March, he'll release me to annual Oncologist visits.  Dr V went ahead & released me to annual visits following my annual mammograms...& as I type, I'm waiting on the results of my blood work, drawn this morning at my annual flu shot.  And my arm it wants to fall off hurt.  But it's worth it.  

Ok, so that's it for now...Think Before You Pink.  

Monday, September 23, 2013

It's In The Way That You Use It....

Social Media...Technology....Internet....Blogs...

They can all be really awesome, wonderful things.  They can also be terrible, shitty things.  It's in the way that you use it.  

I've experienced both. I like to use them for good, positive & information stuff. Like let y'all know that I survived the mammo.  All clear.  This knowledge should make me a little less stressy when I go see Dr's W & V at the end of this week. We'll see.  Or I can totally disregard this knowlege since the 2009 mammo missed the stage 3 bc, & be a typical, total freak. Right now I'm feeling pretty calm & confident. It comes & it goes.

And the Fall Candy is in the house, so, just in time for the Autumnal Equinox, the fabulous fall season is officially in full swing.  Yay!


Thanks for checking in on us.  Will let ya know how the last two appointments of the Autumn Oncology Tour go.


Saturday, September 14, 2013

Say Do You Remember.....

September 14, 2009.  I had to have all my hair shaved off. It sucked.  I was so sad.  I was also kinda drunk.  I just couldn't believe I was having to do this.  
Doin tongue pics before Miley made it a thing
By the end of this month I hope to have all good reports from all my docs & be all "Ba De Ya....Dancing In September" with NED!

Monday, September 9, 2013

Don't Worry, Be Happy....

Yeah, I try.  Some days I am.  Some days I'm not. Some days I just can't.  Some days it's because of bc bullshit.  Some days it's because of other bullshit.  I posted awhile back on this topic, but I think I was misunderstood by some.   That post was more like a rant cause I was just, at that particular moment, tired of seein stuff like this filling up my newsfeeds.

This is just not true all the time, OK?

But here's a wonderful post from another blogger, who expresses it much more eloquently than I did. Reblogged here with her permission.
Thank you Woman In The Hat!

"Anger Replugged
Anger surfaces in everyone at some point. It’s not that we like being angry, but anger is a human emotion that has its place. To deny it because it doesn’t feel good, or doesn’t make us fun to be with or live with or even to live with ourselves is to suppress a valid human emotion.
I’ve noticed on a couple other blogs some “correction” in the comments of the poster’s anger. I haven’t experienced such comments personally, although when I started this blog, I had in mind that my blog would be a positive, healing, fun place to be. Imagine my surprise when I saw my own anger surface in a few of my posts. Yet, I didn’t censor myself because it felt like it needed to be said.
Certainly there is an inappropriate expression of anger. Anyone who’s been the recipient of the wrath of a rage-o-holic knows this. But cancer gives one plenty to be angry about, and justifiably so. To tell a person her anger doesn’t serve her, that she’d be better off choosing to be happy, doesn’t help. Perhaps that’s true, but jumping from A to Z doesn’t mean B and C aren’t there, even if they’re swept beneath the carpet.
No one will experience every reason why cancer patients feel angry, but I’m fairly certain if you identify with one, you’ll likely identify with a few.

A Few Good Reasons for Cancer Patients to be Angry:

  • Your body has been mutilated and deformed by surgery
  • You’ve lost some level of function as a result of surgery or other treatment
  • Loss of attractiveness, even if just for a time, even if just perceived
  • Loss of energy and stamina
  • Your life has been disrupted, interrupted, put on hold, losing time and years you may never get back
  • Forced alteration of lifestyle due to debilitating symptoms
  • Inability to work
  • Inability to perform at work at pre-cancer levels due to residual effects of treatment, both physical and cognitive
  • Inability to work during treatment but working anyhow due to finances
  • Diminished quality of life and inability to enjoy life due to all of the above, i.e., too sick and/or fatigued to socialize and therefore being shut in
  • Diminished libido and low concept of self as a sexual being
  • Loss of fertility
  • Strained relationships
  • Broken relationships, including estrangement from friends and divorce from spouses
  • Strained and broken finances, even bankruptcy due to high cost of medical expenses
  • Foreclosed houses resulting from an inability to work or the high cost of medical treatment

And you sometimes feel like:

  • A medical experiment gone wrong
  • Your body is as an old, worn-out junk car
  • You’ll never be your former self
  • Your emotions and psyche are scarred and you don’t know how to heal
  • Your experience is trivialized, downplayed or discounted by others
  • You’re judged for not bouncing back quickly enough
  • Your day-to-day existence has been reduced to the struggle to survive
  • Too many of your peers are dying from the disease
  • Your days are numbered
  • Even though you’re 20, 30, 40 or however many years old, you feel you’ve prematurely entered old age.
As children, our parents forbid us to talk back “in that tone of voice.” As adults, we silently fume at employers, swallowing what we really want to spew back at the boss. It’s that or risk the loss of your job. We surround ourselves with religious or spiritual beliefs that tell us that anger is sinful, negative, poison to the soul. We constantly filter ourselves. Is it any wonder some people erupt inappropriately? Talk about a buildup of pressure.
“Righteous anger” is often depicted in sacred texts, such as the wrath of God in the Torah or Jesus turning over the money tables in the Temple in the New Testament. Can you imagine if Jesus’s friends said to him, “Hey, man, whoa, whoa, whoa! Whaddya doing? You really need to put a lid on that, maybe take some anger management classes. And really, what good are those childish displays? Trust me, you’ll be a lot happier if you just accept what you can’t change and choose to be happy.”
Angry people effect change in this imperfect world. Do you think even in his passive resistance that Gandhi didn’t feel incensed about the injustices in his day? We often hold up as models civil rights activists Martin Luther King, Jr., and Rosa Parks. You think they weren’t angry?
Angry people are in pain. Pain needs to be expressed through healthy outlets; otherwise, it’s bound to come out in any number of inappropriate ways such as venting on undeserving people. I can’t think of any better way to express anger or pain than through the arts. That includes painting, dancing, music, writing, poetry, and more. I would not stifle those expressions. If they make you uncomfortable, you don’t need to subject yourself..........
.....Those who express their honest feelings publicly, such as in a blogging platform, give expression and voice to others. There are few things as satisfying as knowing that someone else knows how you feel, that someone else gets it and it’s not just you. We feel affirmed.
And really, if you can’t express yourself freely and honestly in your own blog, why bother?"

For me, words like "sad" or "nervous" or "upset" could just as easily be used in place of the author's choice of "Angry".  So yeah...sometimes I am angry.  Most times I'm not. But I am nervous a lot & worried from time to time, & yes, sad sometimes, too.   Havin had bc changes your life, forever.  I really don't think I will get to a place (any time soon) where I can just know this is 100% part of the past, because at any given point, it can become the present.  Again.  And that makes me Angry.  And sad. And nervous.  And upset. And I DO do my very best to not dwell on it, & that really is easier to do, the farther out I get.  But sometimes, it's just there.  And it can't be helped.  Doesn't mean I'm a negative person.  Doesn't mean I'm never happy either.  It just is.   

My blog is therapy for me. Also I hope to help those who are newly diagnosed as well as those who, like me, are having big time issues with the whole hair loss thing & all who read the blog. And it's also a way to keep those who care to know about the what's what with the bc, & with me & mine, informed & in the loop.  And, as mentioned in my previous post today, as my Oncology appointments loom ever closer, this is important for some.  

Thanks so much Woman In The Hat for letting me reblog ya! =)

What Doesn't Kill You...

 Makes You Stronger.... ? Eh...NotSoMuch.  But Different.

I think most survivors go through a phase where it's all like, "not gonna eat this or that, use this or that product....oh, this fights cancer, so need lots of that...."  I know I sure did.  I was a blueberry eatin crazy freak for awhile there.  And I have def incorporated some things into my daily life in an effort to try to keep cancer away.  But I'm just not sure it really even matters as much as I wish it did.  I'm exhausted just thinking about trying to avoid any & all things that have been shown to be linked to some form of cancer.

And I'm sure most of the people in my life are wondering if I'm ever gonna be "back to normal". (Are we tired of reading posts about this topic yet?  Yeah, me too. Sure would love to know how to stop talkin/thinkin/feelin this way.)  And there are some who have expressed to me how I should now be so much better off havin gone through what I did, cause I can now "really live & appreciate life."  Eh....notsomuch.  And I've tried to find the words to explain why not....but I'm just not that great of a writer.  But I did come across a blog post that says it  better than I can.

I'm posting a part of that post, with the author's permission here:
"I was not perfect before cancer, and I’m sure as hell not perfect now. In some ways cancer has made me worse. I am much less patient and tolerant. And now I have a cancer-focused blog in which I write and share my rants with anyone who’ll read them. I’m sure there are many that would count that as NOT an improvement. Yet, I couldn’t, wouldn’t, have done this without cancer. (Hint: I like my blog and think it’s a good thing.) I documented in my post Punk Rock (Breast) Cancer that I once thought cancer was magic, that I would get this new, wonderful outlook on life and I’d handle things better. I learned that is not true real quick. Cancer just makes a person more who they really are—good, bad, ugly, and/or unable to behave in an appropriate manner while having cancer, or after it.
I often wonder if folks who throw themselves into this “new me” idea and action plan blame themselves for getting cancer in the first place, and hope they are not devastated if cancer returns. I’ve said too many times on this blog that cancer’s motto is “shit happens”, because sometimes illness is out of an individual human’s control.
I recently came into contact with a woman who had just finished treatment and was near tears as she talked about how she was improving her diet and exercise regime to do anything to prevent recurrence. I wondered if thinks she caused her cancer in the first place, since she is doing all these different things now. It was not my place to ask her, and I did not.
You see, I recognize myself in her. Oh, I talk a good game here in my various blog posts about how I refuse to blame myself for my cancer. But I’ve also admitted that I eat tomatoes now because of their cancer-fighting properties. Because in the center of me that is filled with self-doubt, I still somehow believe it was that hatred of tomatoes that put me in that damn infusion chair in 2010-11.
While I cannot judge how any other person “does” cancer, I sometimes think I must seem rather stubborn, or stupid, or both, in comparison to the “change my life” patients, for accepting that maybe I could not have stopped cancer from happening to me."
-From anotheronewiththecancer by Cancer Curmudgeon. 
Thank you so much CC for that post.  It pretty well explains my feelings on being on the back side of cancer.  Yes, I'm very paranoid about some microwaving in plastic.  Yes I do now try to eat Chia Seeds as often as possible.  But no, I'm not gonna become a vegetarian, never color my hair again or never have another cocktail, or lose my mind because every single morsel of food that enters my mouth is not organic, etc.....

Here's the thing.  I pretty much feel like cancer's gonna do what cancer's gonna do. I know several people who've done everything right & are still fighting fuckin cancer. 

And my six month Oncology appointments are looming ever closer on the calendar & I can tell I'm already becoming a fucking freak about it.  

Anyway, thanks again CC for letting me reblog ya.   

Thursday, August 29, 2013

Where Is The Life That I Recognize?

*Gone away.

Sometimes being self employed just isn't all it's cracked up to be.  At all.  Oh sure, when you're younger, just starting out, freshly sick of the Nine To Five rat race & now making more money AND you have your "freedom" too?  Oh yeah, it's great.  

But then something get older...tire more easily.  You look up & you find you've spent the last *insert number of years here* working pretty much 24/7 to meet deadlines & satisfy your now *insert number* of bosses clients who depend on you to save the day. And at the very last minute, too too many times.  So you toil along, 24/7...leaving no time for social or recreational activities.  Had much more of that when we worked at our old "Nine To Fives". But I won't cry for yesterday...  

And then the economy did it's fun little crash thing & small businesses suffered hard core. And don't even get me started on the taxes you have to pay.  Gone are the days of refunds. But I won't cry for yesterday...  

And all for what?  For the freedom to be your own boss?  Set your own hours?  Have time for work and play?

Yeah.  That hasn't been our experience much lately.

Oh & let's throw in the complete destruction of life & the future as we know it with our new "Ordinary World" of breast cancer concerns, doctors appointments, doctors bills, and the like...


Sorry that I appear to be in the midst of a complete (ongoing) pity party here.  Nothing like a last minute bomb getting dropped on you less than 19 hours from a deadline to give you such a warm fuzzy about owning your own business. Not. 

Obvs I'm still in the same mindset I was in when I posted "Life Is Very Short" . And I'm a big believer that you are shown signs, if you are open to seeing them.  The signs appear to be very clear.  And not just from a work & professional perspective either.   

And maybe all of this would be easier dealt with, if our world had never been turned upside down with cancer, forcing us to find the "new normal".  And everything happens for a reason... Is that what it had to take to get us to slow down & realize what's goin on & what's not goin on? What can we do to make it better? 

We're working on it.     

*But I won't cry for yesterday,
There's an Ordinary World, 
Somehow I have to find.
And as I try to make my way
To the Ordinary World
I will learn to survive.

* "Ordinary World" - Duran Duran

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Stronger Than Yesterday

Four years ago today I had my first of six chemo treatments.  I still don't know why I feel the need to acknowledge some of these dates.  Diagnosis & cancer free dates, sure...I get that.  But start / end of chemo? The day my hair was shaved off?  Yeah, I mark those dates on the calendar.  But why?

I don't know. 

But before having had bc, I can def tell you that I never, ever would have imagined that I would do chemo, let alone survive it.  And as smoothly as I did.  I was one of the fortunate ones to not be totally sick with side effects.  No, just the hair, some taste issues, fatigue & depression.  All of which lifted by the 7th day after a chemo treatment.  Well, except for being bald, hating being bald & stuff.

So anyway....Four years ago I was sittin in the chemo chair.  Nausea meds & Benadryl, followed by Taxotere, then Carboplatin, and ending with Herceptin.  And that was basically the day. 

Four it's nothing but my way.

I hope.

Thursday, August 22, 2013

They're Coming To Take Me Away....

Just a bit of a rambling musing here.  

Is having breast cancer a one way ticket to the funny farm where basket weavers sit & smile & twiddle their thumbs & toes...??  If I were to ask O that, he'd say, "For YOU it is." Ahhhh well......

My medical team is really great.  I love all of 'em.  And I really do appreciate that Dr W has talked with me about & is looking into ways to help the fact that yes, we know what to do with a patient that has been diagnosed with breast cancer.  But, he admits, that's where his expertise ends...that after treatment is complete, they really don't know what else they can do for us & our altered outlook & the psychological issues that remain, even after the cancer is gone. I love that my docs want to try to do more to help in the aftermath, and that more & more doctors are looking into what can be done to help us progress after treatment is completed.

Most of us who've had bc are left with post traumatic stress disorder.  (Probably all of us) Some worse than others.  So we really do need to look at how to help the psychological damage that is left after the physical damage is done & handled. 

I just wonder if there's really anything that can be done for our mental state after going through bc....  Just because of the very nature of bc....I mean, if we could just do our treatments & then have a doctor say to us, "That's it! All better! You'll never have to deal with this again!", there wouldn't be so many of us fucked up in the head now & possibly forever more.  Right?  But no responsible doctor can (should) say that.  Not even to someone with the teeniest, tiniest stage I bc. Just ask anyone living with stage IV bc. You'll be surprised how many of them were "cancer free & it's all behind you now" for years.  And so, now we have "the fear"

Anyway....I'm getting better at dealing with "the fear", the farther out I get. (I think) But damn those appointments for the mammo & the Oncologist & Surgeon are still just so so so so so nerve wracking.  I don't suspect that part is gonna change any time soon. I always apologize to my docs for being such a damn freak when I come in to see them, but they all assure me that it's totally natural & normal to still feel freaked out & stuff.  

I'm glad that doctors are starting to look at & acknowledge that we are psychologically jacked up after bc & are looking for ways to help us with that.

You know what would really help?  A fuckin cure. 

Sunday, August 18, 2013

But I Always Thought That I'd See You Again

RIP Kidd Kraddick.

I'm very late with this post....but better late than never.  Which kinda contradicts the point of my posting this. Don't wait. Whenever possible, do things now.  Say things now. Love now. Hug now. Forgive now. Help now. 

And also just stop for a moment & be present in that moment. 

Hearing of the sudden death of Kidd was just such a shock.  Kidd Kraddick, a very well known DJ, who had "made it"...achieved fame & fortune doing what he loved, just pretty much dropped dead while in the actual process of doing what he loved. And I'm pretty sure that everyone in his life was very confident that they'd see him again.  It wasn't even a thought.   

For those who are like, "Kidd who?" The Kidd Kraddick In The Morning show is a morning drive radio show which is syndicated around the country & is also part of the new TV show Dish Nation. He died at a golf tournament held to raise funds for the charity he started, Kidd's Kids. [From the Kidd's Kids website: " At Kidd’s Kids, our primary goal is to provide chronically ill and/or physically challenged children (ages 5 to 12) with an unforgettable adventure! Throughout the year, we work hard to raise the funds necessary to send these special kids on an all-expenses paid, fun-filled, vacation to Walt Disney World ® in Florida."] 

All the digital billboards in town honored him...I grabbed this shot of one as we drove by....
Kidd always closed his shows with these words
Talk about when it's your time, it's your time.  (Something I really need to understand & just put my ass on an airplane much, much more often)

If there is anything positive (for me) to have come out of having had breast cancer, it's that I've noticed that I've become both very tolerant & intolerant of things.  I tolerate things that used to be BIG ol annoyances.  But now feel like these irritants are all "small stuff".  And so, I tolerate.  I'm intolerant of things that just waste time, with no good coming from it, or of certain language used when talking about people who have or have gone through cancer or other chronic illnesses (battled, fought, warrior, lost battle, etc) or other intolerable things like that.  

Anyway...the loss of such a great & giving person, so suddenly, I'm again reminded to be careful with my time.  Be careful with people & their feelings. I really don't want to ever live with the regret of not ever again having the opportunity to apologize for anything... apologize for being too moody, or apologize that I never did call, or feel bad that I walked away from someone who needed help, or apologize for hurtful words, or for the words I should have said, but didn't....  

*I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
But I always thought that I'd see you again.

I don't want anyone to feel that way....self included.


[*Fire And Rain - James Taylor]

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

You Know It Don't Come Easy

Yeah.  Again, another rant...on a topic that just keeps comin up.  

How many dues do ya think we need to pay?  

But let's give all the success in the world to a fuckin cat.  A  C A T !  Yeah, I am was a big Grumpy Cat fan. But Come The Fuck On Now.  A book.  A movie deal. And now, coffee.  C O F F E E . 


This cat...I hate you
Photo Credit: Grumpy Cat

The future won't last, it will soon be over tomorrow.

Just sayin.

Sunday, August 11, 2013

Life Is Very Short....

And there's no tii-iii-iii-ii-iime for fussing & fighting, my friend(s)....

True that.  There's also no time for not lovin certain *pick one* people / places / things in (or things about) your life.  But what do you do when you can't even tell if you're lovin it, or not lovin it?    

I'm pretty sure I've posted on these thoughts before. There are just some days when I'm just not sure how I feel or what I want.  And then sometimes it feels like things couldn't be more perfect. Some days you're up, some days you're down.  

Ahhh, c'est la vie.  

Hellooooo....I'd like off the seesaw now. 

Def some things are changing....some things still need to change.  And in the near future, some things WILL change. Change is scary. Because of the possibility of regret. But not changing things can bring regret too.

Ahhh, THANKS bc [sarcasm] for makin me contemplate livin life & makin me question if I'm doin it right. 

Only time will tell if I am right or I am wrong.

Friday, July 26, 2013

With A Little Help From My Friends...

And Family. =)
Just a quickie to Thank Everyone for all the awesome well wishes & congratz & Likes on Facebook & stuff to help me celebrate my Four Years of cancer Freeness! (Yes I know the c-word isn't capitalized like the words surrounding it.  I try to never capitalize it.  I just don't do it.)
Anyway, just as all of your love & support, comments & Likes & stuff absolutely helped pull me through treatment, it still SO lifts my spirits to see all the Likes & comments & support from friends & family. Thanks to technology & social media, it's the next best thing to celebrating together! Right? Y'all are all so awesome & we love ya!  
Ok, so it was a pretty fun day.  We went & ate great Thai food at our fave Thai joint & then went to see the scary movie "The Conjuring".  It was just a great, fun, scary movie. Had some good creepiness.  And I ate too much popcorn.  (Either that, or my scale is absolutely malfunctioning, cause HFS it says I've gained weight like crazy this week.) And then we just messed around town here & there, havin fun. YAY!

Oh hi hot flash. Whew!
And O snapped a quick pic of me to commemorate the cancerversary.  And I was right in mid-hot flash.  So, here's what I look like havin a hot flash. I'm all like, "Oh Hi hot flash. Go eff yerself!"



Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Blessed And Lucky

Four Years.  Four years today.  Today marks the day that I've been cancer free for FOUR years.  Four.  Four years of cancer freeness.  (Hey, "freeness" is actually a word.  HA!)

Gonna go out & have fun today.  I totally schedule it off like a holiday.  Mostly.  Well, ok, some work in the morning, but this afternoon is gonna be about fun.  Fun. For. Me. 

Hopefully my bc freeness trend will continue for years to come.  Not all who have to do the bc thing are as lucky.  And I do want to take a moment to remind folks that there's nothing "pretty in pink" about havin breast cancer.  (Will have some thoughts on this & other blogs to share about the subject in near future posts.)

My friend M & I have been talkin quite a bit lately about how "everything happens for a reason".  She even added to it that maybe when things happen, they happen for someone else's reason & not necessarily your own.  Yeah, ok...I can see that. Kinda... 

Anyway....I think I've finally given up tryin to understand the what, why, "for a reason".... I'm just glad to be here still.  And maybe, just maybe, (hopefully) years & years from now, I'll know how it was meant to be.

Yep...These Are The Days......

*I'll probably (hopefully) be back later to share what funness we had on my anniversary.*

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

The Thrill That'll Getcha...

"Now it's all decided to blow our minds...."

Wow.  Really Rolling Stone?  You seriously are gonna put the accused Boston bomber on the cover? Holy shit.

 Hunter Thompson is rolling in his grave.  He must be.

So, I'm personally not a good enough artist to get my picture on the Cover Of The Rolling Stone....but maybe if I commit a heinous enough crime? Maybe?

Wow.  What the fuck kind of message are you sending?  And pleeeeeeeeeease people...pleeeeease don't start in with "it's not his fault...he's a victim" bullshit.

It's bullshit.

He's old enough to know better. 

OMG I'm so disappointed in Rolling Stone.  Not gonna say that I'll never buy or read it again....cause I really have not been all that regular of a reader of the mag.  But just holy fucktacular shit Batman!!  Somebody's def takin all kinds of pills over there.

And I'm not gonna share a picture of the stupid ass cover either.  Nope. 
Not doin it.

But yeah, way to go Rolling Stone.  Just go on ahead & glorify terrorism. 

Fuck you.

"The Cover Of The Rolling Stone" -Dr Hook

Friday, July 5, 2013

I'm Still Standing....

June 2009. About a week before D-Day.
Four years ago this week.  On June 30th actually. My whole world changed.  I got the phone call that the pathology was in from the biopsy & it was positive for breast cancer. 

I can't believe four years have passed.  I don't even really have a whole lot to say about it, but I just feel the need to remember it & several other days that have to do with it.  D-Day...NED day...first & last chemo days....head shave day...

Why?  Why do I mark these days on the calendar year after year?  Only thing I can think of is that havin to go through the bc bs is hard. 
Damn hard.  And once you've had it, things are never, ever the same again. 

I'm pretty sure O hopes there will someday be a time when I'm totally & finally done with all the cancer stuff.  So do I.  But I really don't think you're ever totally just DONE with it, once you've had it.  I do know that it isn't so much the I no longer eat, sleep, breathe, walk & talk cancer 24/7 like I once did.  But it's always there...looming.  Like a dark cloud that just can't wait to strike like lightning....every single time I have the slightest ache or pain...or spot...or pimple...or pretty much anything.  And pleeeeeease don't mention any symptom of anything at all to me.  Ever.  *Furrows brow in the direction of Dr's V, W & C & even F*  Cause remember, I truly am THE Master of Psychosomatics. Yeah.

Eh, anyway....Four years later.  And I'm Still Standing. 

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Friday, June 21, 2013

In The Summertime...

Welcome to Summer! Today, the Summer Solstice, Longest Day, is one of my very favorite days.  Why? Because startin tomorrow, the days grow shorter & shorter & shorter.  I much prefer the dark half of the year.  But not the cold.  Don't care for that part.  I just like for it to get dark earlier than it does In The Summertime, when the weather is hot.  Today, there will still be a tiny bit of daylight as late as 9:15pm.  It's annoying to me.  I'd love for it to go ahead & be dark by 7 or 8 at the very latest. 

So in honor of this super special loooooong day, here is a field of sunflowers we drive by on our way to see a client.  The Sunflower Farmers grow them every year for the Sunflower Oil. 

Wish the iPhone could do justice to this sea of sunflowers.  Ah well.
Anyway, Happy Summer Solstice y'all! 

Thursday, June 6, 2013

Every Year Is Getting Shorter....

Yep.  Yesterday was my birthday.  I typically like to do a post ON the actual birthday, but yeah...was a busy day & time got away from me. Never seem to find the time. We were just too busy havin a fun day together, O & I.  And since my birthday fell right smack in the middle of the week this year, I simply must celebrate all week.  It's a rule, ya know?

First we worked.  Then we played.  I turned 44 & had a
pretty fun day.  We went to our favorite Mexican food place & had the best fajitas EVER.  AND it was "Half Price Fajita Wednesday", so we got the big giant order & brought plenty home. 

And O took pictures of me bein silly in the mall.

Here is a picture of me bein silly with Geoff Peterson

Apparently he moonlights at Dillard's cause Craig doesn't pay him much! LOL! 

Josh Robert Thompson is the Voice of Geoff Peterson on The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson

My original title for this post was "What A Drag It Is Getting Old"...but then I scratched it.  I totally used to feel that way on my birthday.  But not anymore.  Haven't felt like that since 2009.  Now I hope to be lucky enough to get old.  Ya know? All in all, we had a very fun day. 

Monday, June 3, 2013

We Love Dirty Laundry!

Here it is!! The post you've all been waiting for!!

My dirty laundry, posted on the internet!!!!

Ha ha ha haaaaaa!!!!!!! Sorry, I couldn't resist. ;)

Ok, so, I've said it many times before. Not everything makes it into the blog. Especially the airing of "dirty laundry". I'm just not one of these who's gonna go online & post stuff like "My cheatin, lyin husband is a SOB & if you stay on his Friends List, I'm gonna DELETE YOU!", & the like. We've all seen this stuff, right? (And NO, O is not lyin, nor cheatin. Just an example LOL!). Sure, if I did post about certain stuff, no doubt the blog would be much more interesting, but there are just certain things that I prefer remain between me, O & our families. Things that are just for us. Know what I mean?

That being said....I must apologize for the lack of posts lately. I don't think a month has ever gone by between posts before. Hope nobody thought the worst bout what might be goin on with me cancer-wise.'s just a super crazy busy time of year. Coupled with being right in the middle of the 6 month cancer checks...there's just been either nothin to talk about, or no time to talk about stuff that I do wanna talk about.

There are several things to talk about, so there will be several posts come out this month, (I hope! lol!) but I'll try not to post too many too close together & stuff.

Anyway, just a quicky to let y'all know I'm still good, & thanks for stickin with me. Will be bloggin bout birthdays, D-Days, & 4 years that NED's been my BFF. And a few other things.