Mine Is Forever.......

Changed.

My outlook. My thoughts. My opinions. My expectations.

Changed.

May 2018

*Here is a majorly rambling rework of what was supposed to be my post back in June 2018, on the anniversary of my diagnosis. It's not a flowery post. And I also feel the need to express that I'm not going around all gloom and doom, pissed off and sad all the time. And I'm not all cancer all the time either.*

*Additional edit, July 2019...I can't believe I'm still re-working this stupid thing! GAWD*

*Final Additional Edit: This is coming out on the 10 year mark of my first sit down in the chemo recliner. Whatever.*

A rambling muse that's been running around in my head.

You know how sometimes an experience can change the way you think, or feel about a person, place or thing? And how, sometimes, that change lasts a long, long, looooooong time, and other times not so long? Maybe a week, or a month. A year...maybe longer?

Example: "I couldn't eat hot dogs for about 10 years after I got food poisoning from eating some when I was about 12."

Or, like the time you just weren't in the mood to do a thing because of the bad day you're having, but maybe you'll want to do the thing tomorrow, hoping it will be a better day.

Might last a day. Yeah...

I still think of my life in terms of "bc/ad" - "beforecancer / after diagnosis."  And I am for sure a different person after cancer. Pretty sure not for the better.  Some people claim that getting cancer turned out to be a "gift" in their life. Made them feel a deeper gratitude and stuff and they are SO much better off for having had it... This is not, nor has it ever been my feeling about having to go through all the shit that one goes through because cancer happened to you. And I'm not trying to tell anyone how to do their cancer. However you do/deal with it, it's right for you. Likewise, please don't tell me how to do or feel about my cancer.

I find it more and more difficult to be honest with some people abouthow I feel. Because, apparently, there are still those who will shame you for still being pissed off that you had cancer. Or be all annoyed because you are going through a bit of scanxiety on mammogram day. Because, you know, I'm 10 years out. I'm not supposed to think about recurrence or metastasis or have any non-flowery feelings anymore. Cause so many others have it so much worse...worse cancers even. (There are no good/better cancers out there btw...) BUT, let me remind you, again, 30% of those diagnosed with early stage breastcancer will become stage IV. Still. STILL!!! Let's not take off on that tangent.

June 2018

Here's the thing...I'm SO grateful for SO many people, places and things. But the cancer experience isn't one of those things. "Thanks" to cancer, my whole outlook, thoughts, opinions, expectations, fears....my whole inner monologue has changed. And not for the better. Maybe not for the worse either, but that would depend on who you are talking to about how "she's different since the cancer"..... Which was actually said about me to someone the minute I left a room (in a bit of a huff) one time in the not so distant past.... And it was said with a touch of irritation that I'm so different now.

When I first started taking my lump around to the doctors, I was assured that it's "probably nothing because the mammogram was clear, and there is no family history, and being not quite even 40 years old....probably just a fibroid."

Yeah. So I hoped for and expected the absolute best outcome when I went in for the re-check.

And that went well, didn't it?! Stage 3 infiltrating ductal carcinoma with 4 of 15 positive lymph nodes.

So yeah....my expectations of things, of results and outcomes....changed. For the worse. I get it. It does bother me. It annoys those close to me, too. 

It seems that I now anticipate the worst result in everything. Not just cancer stuff. Everything. I do, however, always hope for the best. Wish for the best outcome or results in anything and everything. And at the same time, expect the absolute worst.

Cancer did not make me an all new and improved version of myself. Didn't make me stop and smell the flowers more or anything. (I'm more, stop and smell the toast burning...so...) If anything, I think it amplified everything about me. The good, the bad and the ugly.

In a recent (well, recent at the time of the first draft of this post! lol!) conversation, I was told that I have "such a pessimistic outlook". Well, sorry about that. These days...and especially these days, in our majorly fucked up world....plus all the cancer crap...yeah....I'm pretty pessimistic and pissed off in general about lots of things, while still managing to seek out fun and try to enjoy life. And yes, I do try to live in the moment...but that's a hard one for me lately.

Look, I'm pretty sure I've always had a pretty pessimistic outlook, in general. And now, probably even more so.

Lately, I don't even recognize myself in many ways...this country....this life.

Mine is forever....

July 2019

Stronger Than Yesterday

Four years ago today I had my first of six chemo treatments.  I still don't know why I feel the need to acknowledge some of these dates.  Diagnosis & cancer free dates, sure...I get that.  But start / end of chemo? The day my hair was shaved off?  Yeah, I mark those dates on the calendar.  But why?


I don't know. 

But before having had bc, I can def tell you that I never, ever would have imagined that I would do chemo, let alone survive it.  And as smoothly as I did.  I was one of the fortunate ones to not be totally sick with side effects.  No, just the hair, some taste issues, fatigue & depression.  All of which lifted by the 7th day after a chemo treatment.  Well, except for being bald, hating being bald & stuff.

So anyway....Four years ago I was sittin in the chemo chair.  Nausea meds & Benadryl, followed by Taxotere, then Carboplatin, and ending with Herceptin.  And that was basically the day. 





Four years...now it's nothing but my way.

I hope.

I Forgot. And It's Awesome.

Two years ago yesterday, I sat down in a recliner chair & received my 1st chemo.  Yesterday I was out & about with my friend, & between all of our shoppin, lunchin, bitchin about this never ending, hell-like, gawd awful heat, I totally forgot that it was the anniversary of my 1st chemo.  And it occurs to me....aside from me saying "That was the cancer fighting portion of the day..." as I took the Tamoxifen after lunch, I don't think there was any other cancer related conversation.

Another Hair Regrowth Update

August hair regrowth update: Exactly 20 months from the last chemo.  This is flat ironed.

Posted Oct 28, 2009 Round 4 of 6

Round 4 of 6

Posted Oct 28, 2009 10:58pm

So tomorrow, blood work willing, I'll take chemo Number 4 of 6. I don't mind saying I'm MORE than ready to be done with this phase. And I'm sure I'll feel that way about the radiation portion right quick too. But yeah, I'm just not in the mood to have to say goodbye to decent tasting coffee and food and stuff. Really kinda nervous cause several survivors have told me that Number 4 was their worst one. Soooooo, I'll be sure to post here how things go.

And now for the hair loss update. I still have my stubbles. Still growing. However, the eyebrows are going and the eyelashes on one eye are thinning too. Doc seems to think all hair will be gone by the end. Guess we'll wait and see.

I've been enjoying the last week or so of feeling good. Got to see a bunch of people at the high school participate in the Thrill The World thing where people all over the world simultaneously did the Thriller dance. Got to see some cute junior high students do it too! Even managed to see the Paranormal Activity movie. Creepy stuff in that movie, but dang, why didn't WE think of that??? LOL! But it was good Halloween fun!

Ok, so, nervous, but ready to have round 4 behind me. Thanks again everyone for checking in on me and for your posts and stuff. They do make me smile, and smiling feels great! =)

Oct 20, 2009 12:48am "Pink Out Pep Rally"

Pink Out Pep Rally

Posted Oct 20, 2009 12:48am

Ok, so it's been a bit more than a week since my Halfway There chemo and the fatigue has finally lifted. Still no nausea issues, but the fatigue with this one was the worst so far. Not totally unmanageable, but I did need to spend most of last week just resting around the house. Luckily we had good weather for it. It just rained and rained and rained. Also, they have started giving me the Neupogen shots starting the day after the chemo, rather than waiting a week. Keep that white cell count from dipping too crazy low like it had been doing. Which is good. So we're staying on schedule so far.

So anyway, energy returning so I went back to school Friday. They had a Pink Out for the Cure Pep Rally Friday and honored those of us in the district who have battled or been diagnosed with cancer. Three of meh girls in our class got together and surprised me by making shirts to wear at the pep rally that said We Love (heart) *my name* on the back and they made me a Survivor sash that looks like I'm wearing the breast cancer ribbon. It matches the ribbon they made to go on the front of their shirts! Our students are awesome. Totally made my day.

Oct 7, 2009 7:57pm "Halfway There!"

Halfway There!

Posted Oct 7, 2009 7:57pm

So in the morning, Thursday, I will go for my chemo #3 of 6. First they'll test my blood and then let me know if I can have my chemo. I sooooo hope I can, and I'm sure I will. I very much wanna stay totally on schedule. Staying on schedule will mean finishing the chemo portion of treatment by December 10 and be feeling great in time for the Christmas break! Keepin my eye on the prize!
So how about this? You see those little stubbles left on my head in the mohawk pics? They've grown. I've lost a bit more hair, but most of the stubbles have so far stuck around and have actually grown. Hmmmmmm....Maybe I'm getting a head start on my regrowth? Or maybe as I go through these chemos they'll eventually fall out. Guess we'll wait and see. You can see the grays better. They are actually longer than the dark hairs. So, gray hairs grow faster than non gray hairs?

Well, that's about all I have to report. Gonna get on with this halfway there chemo tomorrow and will keep y'all posted on the progress. I really hope it's same ol same ol, as far as side effects go. I really haven't had any of the terrible ones everyone associates with chemo. So in between chemos I've just been living life. Goin shoppin with friends. Even went to the Brighton Power of Pink Kickoff Breakfast with my new friend L, a fellow bc survivor, and we had some fun. And I went to school and subbed some too. I just can't let this cancer crapola stop me from seeking out the fun in life.

So far I'm super lucky!

Sept 24, 2009 9:37am "I Think I've Figured It Out! =)"

I Think I've Figured It Out! =)

Posted Sept 24, 2009 9:37am

Ok, so I think I've got this chemo thing all figured out...provided that I don't get new or more severe side effects as treatment continutes.... The tiredness and fatigue...I've linked to one of the nausea meds! Which I apparently don't even need! I've not had one bit of nausea! (Knockin on wood here) It also was causing a bit of depression. AND I think I may have linked it to the "chemo brain" too! I didn't take one single chemo med yesterday and felt totally great. Same story this morning so far. So, 1 week to the day after a chemo, feelin pretty much back to myself. A couple things still yet to go back to normal (digestion, no biggie), but just goin through the day, I don't feel like I'm goin through anything! Well, except for the feeling of a wig on my head!
Anyway, thought y'all would like to know that I do believe I've got this thing totally figured out. We'll see how Round 3, the HALFWAY point goes on October 8.

Thanks so much for all of y'alls messages and stuff. Really does help lift my spirits!
=)

Posted Sep 22, 2009 9:17am "Pluggin Right Along"

Pluggin Right Along

Ok, so I had Chemo #2 of 6 last Thursday. So far so good. Side effects wise, kinda same ol same ol, but maybe a bit milder, as far as the taste buds & stuff. But the fatigue is a bit more, but not unmanageable. I just take naps in the afternoon & can't workout this week. Chemo brain seems to be a bit less to, which is great cause I gotta work this week at school. =)
So, they'll check my blood in 3 days on Friday & do the booster shot thing again if the white count is low again. Dr W & I are determinded to stay on schedule & wrap this chemo portion of treatment up on time in mid December. So I've got fingers & everything crossed for that!
See ----> X]

Today is the first day of Autumn. My absolute favorite time of year. And the weather actually feels like it a bit, so I'm lovin that!

Have a great day everyone!
=D

Sept 16, 2009 7:37pm: "I Think I Made Friends With My Wig Today"

I Think I Made Friends With My Wig Today

Posted Sep 16, 2009 7:37pm

So I went back to work today. Came across several people who didn't know we had the cancer thing goin on. They commented that they liked my new hairdo!! One lady I don't even know said she liked my hair and wants to grow hers out into a similar style!! Yep Laurie, you were totally right! That didn't take long! So now that I've gone through what I feared would be the worst side effect of chemo, and I can see now that I can totally live with it and it is so doable, I feel like I can now be my regular, happy, upbeat self again....finally! =D

So tomorrow is chemo round 2 of 6. BOOORRRIIINNNGG!!! Not looking forward to the chemo brain and the other side effects I got. But if I'm lucky, they'll be mild like last time. Hoping the hair loss to be the worst side effect.

And finally, let me just say this: I had breast cancer. HAD being the key word here. They took the cancer out of my body in July. In August I got all clear CT and Bone Scans. So, I don't have cancer anymore. I'm still fighting cancer. And winning! =D

Second Post: "It's MOHAWK TIME!"

It's MOHAWK Time!

Posted Sep 15, 2009 3:47pm

Ok, so over the weekend, my hair has been coming out in handfuls, so it became obvious that it's time for a shave. Fortunately, my mother in law hooked us up with a super nice stylist who came over to the house & did it right in my kitchen! But first we had some fun & did a Mohawk & took some pictures. So now I am bald. Bald, bald, bald. But it's ok. It's part of the battle & I'm totally winning. Hair falling out is just proof that the chemo drugs are workin & doin their thing!

Yep, that used to be my hair

Eff U cancer!

Seriously, I'm not as upset as I thought I would be. And my wigs are awesome!
<3

Pretty awesome wig eh?

Movin on Up / Intro & First Post September 13, 2009

Ok, so I'm "moving" my CarePage over to this blog.  This used to be my OnlineAuction blog, but since I can't seem to blog as much about that as I do about having to deal with the breast cancer bs, figured I'd go ahead & start moving the posts.  Apparently, some people are put off by having to have a membership to view the Care Page.  Even though they really don't ask for any super personal info, some peeps just ain't gonna give any.  Over here, not a problem, so I'm slowly but surely moving toward this blog. This could take some time.  So here goes.  The following is my "Intro" from the CarePage. 

INTRO:

Sept 13, 2009

I'm a super young at heart 40 year old. I just turned the Big 4-0 & on June 30 I was diagnosed with breast cancer. My breast lump did NOT show up on a DIGITAL mammogram. So FEEL YOUR BOOBIES ladies! As of today, I've had 3 surgeries & 1 of 6 rounds of chemo.

I am super fortunate to be able to live with & work together with my husband, who is also my best friend.  We have a great time together.

We have no children. We ARE the kids!

 

First Post: 

1st Update...Better Late Than Never...

Posted Sep 13, 2009 5:48pm

Ok, so, I'm a little late in setting up this page, but the FUN seems to be just now starting, so here we go. I was diagnosed with breast cancer on June 30. July 1 I was in front of the surgeon. July 9 I had the Lumpectomy surgery and 15 Lymph Nodes were removed. July 15 the surgeon says we didn't get the clear margin and we gotta do it again, and 4 of the Nodes were positive for cancer. Oh yay. July 23 was the reincision. Got the clear margin this time. But thanks to the stupid lymph nodes and the fact that my cancer was HER+, I bought the chemo ticket. August 20 I got the MediPort put in.

That's the Reader's Digest version. Lemme hit some hilights for ya. Other than tonsills at 3 years old, I'd never had surgery before. So yeah, I was pretty much high maintenance at the hospital. All 3 times. Once you're told you have breast cancer, nothing is the same and you begin a rollercoaster feelin kinda life. All the pre-surgery testing. Sentinal Node Injection was the hardest thing for me...didn't care for that one bit. I'd rather have a surgery than go through that again. Google it. I'm trying to forget about it! LOL!

So, as I sit here typing this on September 13, my long hair is coming out by the handfuls. I washed it for the last time today. I had my 1st of 6 rounds of chemo on August 27. My side effects have been very mild thus far. The biggest problem I'm having is the hair loss thing. Y'all that know me know that I totally love having long hair. So I did mourn a bit...not just the loss of my hair, but I think I was also mourning our Before Cancer life. But I'm now at peace with it. May as well be cause it is what it is.

Today I'm just so grateful because I'm gonna be fine. All of my CT Scans showed no spread. So in my mind, I've already beat it. Just gonna make sure I don't have to do it again is all.

So my total treatment is: 6 rounds of chemo - 4 hour sessions, - 3 weeks apart, 1 year of Herceptin, 5 1/2 weeks of daily radiation will start right after the 6 chemos are done and then I'll take some medication for 5 years.

So, welcome to my Blog. Here y'all can all keep up with me winning this battle. Like I said, I've already won!