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Sunday, March 26, 2017

Does Anybody Know How The Story Really Goes...

March 2017

So, thanks to several of my blogger friends, I came across this raw, honest and powerful post... Reminded me a bit of what I was thinking when I posted the following blog post in November 2014. And since I still can't seem to bring myself to write fresh words, just another re-share...I hope to write something soon, and it will probably have nothing to do with cancer. 

I think I think so...  

I'm Super! Thanks For Asking!
How many times, when you ask someone how they're doing, do you really want to know how they are doing? Do you ask cause you really want to know, or is it just part of your greeting? And when people say they're doing fine/great/super, do you think they really are doing fine/great/super, or is their reply just an automatic response to a greeting?  

I used to do breast cancer so much differently.  In 2009, once I was able to stop crying and pull my shit together after getting the diagnosis, I had made up my mind that I was "tougher and WAY cooler than any stupid infiltrating ductal carcinoma", stage 3a.  And I put on my pink stuff and told any and everybody who would listen that I "HAD bc.  Past tense".  And that I have "already beaten it, cause my scans are clear!"

Oh how naive.  How naive and how unprepared I was.  

And for a couple of years, when someone would see me out and about, they would ask "How are you doing? How are you feeling?"  And regardless of how I was actually doing or feeling at the time, I would chirp "I'm GREAT! I'm kickin cancer's ass!" *Hug* "Thanks for asking! How are YOU?" And then sometimes the convo would go on about what was going on treatment wise, which I would riddle with jokes and sarcastic comments, sort of giving the finger to bc.  I tried to be as humorous as possible and appear to be the most courageous, bad ass, cancer ass kicker anyone had ever seen.  

*Insert eyeball roll here*

At least half of the time back then, if I had answered truthfully, I would have said that I was really terrified of the surgeries pending.  Or that I was totally upset that I'm bald.  And it wasn't until active treatment ended that it occurred to me that, bc people are never, ever really out of the woods. And I spent a good 2 years in a state of complete panic over the possibility of recurrence, or mets.  So during that time, if I had been honest, I would have expressed those thoughts, rather than "I'm great! *Insert # of years* cancer free (?!) and still kickin!"

*Insert eyeball roll here*

Why did I do this?

Because I didn't (still don't) think some people want to hear the horror story that is the new normal for a bc person.  And I'm pretty sure that if I had been 100% honest with everyone, all the time, some people would probably stop asking about how I am. Maybe even go the other way when they see me coming... 

I think it's because it makes people sad, or fearful when they hear someone with bc not doing the whole Pink *Rah Rah, I'm a Warrior! I Fight Like A Girl! I kick cancer's ass!*  stuff and then they just think that you're not doing it right.  You're supposed to be wearing a pink tutu and boa and shouting "C'mon cancer! Bring it on! I got this!"  

Whatever.  I can't do that shit anymore.  Haven't been able to in awhile.  

And here's another reason why...Honestly, some people don't know me well enough for me to have even wanted to be all full disclosure with them. But I no longer "chirp" the pink party line.  Just can't do it. 

So if I do say "I'm SUPER! Thanks for asking!", I actually mean it. 
"Don't you think I look cute in this hat?"

Thursday, March 2, 2017

Enjoy The Silence

February 2017

Yeah....I'm inspired by my friend the Cancer Curmudgeon. Since I'm apparently unable to write fresh blogs at the mo, may as well just re-post some old ones. So here's one from the end of February of 2015...when I was unable to write. 

Maybe I'll get back into it someday. But for now, I just can't even....

Funny How I Find Myself....

Blogging less and less....I know....I keep saying on Facebook that new, fresh blogs are coming, and then....nuthin.  

I've asked myself, how much do you...
Commit yourself?

Gonna ramble here a bit....

Maybe it's because there are so many, many great writers out there in the blogosphere (REAL writers with know, those who have actually published stuff and had features in HuffPo and stuff...) who just pretty much are reading my mind.  So I just share those posts.  I plan to add my own thoughts, but then stuff happens in the Real World, and then a topic becomes stale, and then it just never comes out. Like a post I did that will probably never see the light of day about that asshat doctor who thinks "cancer is the best way to die". Sure, I did a very ranty, profanity laden, tongue in cheek post, but by the time I got it finished....yeah....just kinda too past due. (And when O read it, he warned me to brace myself for suggestions of getting some anger management, if I do post

And once you've taken a big, fat blogging break, it's so hard to get back into it. Well, for me, anyway. 

I'd tell myself, what good do you do...
Convince myself.....

Another reason?  Although this blog is not only about my experience with breast cancer, it is mostly about my experience with breast cancer.  And these days, thankfully...SO thankfully...there's just not much to report. Except if I want to write about the residual anxiety and PTSD. Again. And again... Ahhh, such is life, post treatment, now that I only see the oncologist annually. Nothing much to report, but a whole shit load of anxiety from time to time. But mostly was about my total meltdown over having to lose my hair, thus the one post that does seem to help people, the Hair Regrowth Timeline. 
What not in the mood looks like

Here's the thing... I just have to be in the mood to get down to writing. And for several reasons, none of them cancer related, I just plain ol haven't been in the mood.  As a result, I'm learning that when it comes to writing, it's a use it or lose it type of thing.  Not that I've ever fancied myself an actual writer, one with any real talent. This blog simply started off as a CarePage to keep my family and friends apprised of my treatment and how things were going in cancerland, without having to write tons of emails and make tons of calls. 

It's My Life...

I've been told that my blog used to be much more humorous...that readers used to laugh more when reading posts from years ago.  Like when I would post about how difficult it is for O and I to grab a bite to eat sometimes...we call it "food fail", or "the Of Course factor". Have I lost my sense of humor? I hope not.  Maybe I used to be more open about things going on in our life.  And maybe there's just not a whole lot of happenings of interest to readers of the blog lately. I'm not a celebrity or anything. Who really gives a fuck that this or that happened while I was out and about doing this or that...Eh, maybe I'm running out of fucks to give about stuff, thus, less ranting about non cancer things.  

Maybe it's because I don't want to worry people that I know read my words. And then call me up, all kinds of concerned. And give all kinds of advice on how I'm dealing with this or that. (Another post for another time.) And then maybe it's because some people are super weary of my non brave, less than happy, anti pink attitude about having had this bc fucker. Like those who say "No doubt it will come back, as much as you worry and keep it on your mind! You are DONE girl! Get Happy!!" Yes, this, and worse, has been said straight to my face. Or maybe I just don't want to hear it from those who think just being positive is going to keep cancer away or from coming back... 

Funny how I blind myself....

I really did try to be that "pink, ass kicking bc warrior" type in the very beginning. It was the only thing I knew about breast cancer then. Oh yes, I flanked myself in that ribbon...the one that is the shade of Pepto Bismol. But then the light bulb came on when a dear friend, years out from a teeny, tiny, stage 1 breast cancer, double mastectomy, clear margins for miles, and aggressive chemo, turned up with metastasis to the lung. Fuck the pink rah-rah. (My friend is NED - "No Evidence of Disease" for years now, I'm super happy to say. Oh, and she's one of the most positive and caring people I've ever met.) I am not criticizing anyone who likes the pink, or the warrior language...I'm really not. I don't tell people how to "do" their cancer and don't like people telling me how I should handle mine. Whatever works for you, do that. All that pink and fighter/warrior stuff just isn't for me at this point of things. (Again, another post, or maybe a re-post, for another time.)

Of course I am so thankful for every day that I continue to be NED. I think lately I have been hesitant to do posts about non breast cancer stuff, or the fun stuff, or my gratitude for still being here almost six years later, when so many are still dying of breast cancer, and yet, there STILL is not nearly enough being done about it.  I dunno...  

And maybe writing just isn't working so much for me anymore lately. Or maybe it's just the time of year, when I tend to stay inside, out of the cold as much as possible, and cook comfort food and eat too much. Who wants to hear about that boring shit? LOL!

But, hopefully, with this post, and some very interesting times on the horizon, the LunaTech just might be back at it.