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Thursday, August 29, 2013

Where Is The Life That I Recognize?

*Gone away.

Sometimes being self employed just isn't all it's cracked up to be.  At all.  Oh sure, when you're younger, just starting out, freshly sick of the Nine To Five rat race & now making more money AND you have your "freedom" too?  Oh yeah, it's great.  

But then something get older...tire more easily.  You look up & you find you've spent the last *insert number of years here* working pretty much 24/7 to meet deadlines & satisfy your now *insert number* of bosses clients who depend on you to save the day. And at the very last minute, too too many times.  So you toil along, 24/7...leaving no time for social or recreational activities.  Had much more of that when we worked at our old "Nine To Fives". But I won't cry for yesterday...  

And then the economy did it's fun little crash thing & small businesses suffered hard core. And don't even get me started on the taxes you have to pay.  Gone are the days of refunds. But I won't cry for yesterday...  

And all for what?  For the freedom to be your own boss?  Set your own hours?  Have time for work and play?

Yeah.  That hasn't been our experience much lately.

Oh & let's throw in the complete destruction of life & the future as we know it with our new "Ordinary World" of breast cancer concerns, doctors appointments, doctors bills, and the like...


Sorry that I appear to be in the midst of a complete (ongoing) pity party here.  Nothing like a last minute bomb getting dropped on you less than 19 hours from a deadline to give you such a warm fuzzy about owning your own business. Not. 

Obvs I'm still in the same mindset I was in when I posted "Life Is Very Short" . And I'm a big believer that you are shown signs, if you are open to seeing them.  The signs appear to be very clear.  And not just from a work & professional perspective either.   

And maybe all of this would be easier dealt with, if our world had never been turned upside down with cancer, forcing us to find the "new normal".  And everything happens for a reason... Is that what it had to take to get us to slow down & realize what's goin on & what's not goin on? What can we do to make it better? 

We're working on it.     

*But I won't cry for yesterday,
There's an Ordinary World, 
Somehow I have to find.
And as I try to make my way
To the Ordinary World
I will learn to survive.

* "Ordinary World" - Duran Duran

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Stronger Than Yesterday

Four years ago today I had my first of six chemo treatments.  I still don't know why I feel the need to acknowledge some of these dates.  Diagnosis & cancer free dates, sure...I get that.  But start / end of chemo? The day my hair was shaved off?  Yeah, I mark those dates on the calendar.  But why?

I don't know. 

But before having had bc, I can def tell you that I never, ever would have imagined that I would do chemo, let alone survive it.  And as smoothly as I did.  I was one of the fortunate ones to not be totally sick with side effects.  No, just the hair, some taste issues, fatigue & depression.  All of which lifted by the 7th day after a chemo treatment.  Well, except for being bald, hating being bald & stuff.

So anyway....Four years ago I was sittin in the chemo chair.  Nausea meds & Benadryl, followed by Taxotere, then Carboplatin, and ending with Herceptin.  And that was basically the day. 

Four it's nothing but my way.

I hope.

Thursday, August 22, 2013

They're Coming To Take Me Away....

Just a bit of a rambling musing here.  

Is having breast cancer a one way ticket to the funny farm where basket weavers sit & smile & twiddle their thumbs & toes...??  If I were to ask O that, he'd say, "For YOU it is." Ahhhh well......

My medical team is really great.  I love all of 'em.  And I really do appreciate that Dr W has talked with me about & is looking into ways to help the fact that yes, we know what to do with a patient that has been diagnosed with breast cancer.  But, he admits, that's where his expertise ends...that after treatment is complete, they really don't know what else they can do for us & our altered outlook & the psychological issues that remain, even after the cancer is gone. I love that my docs want to try to do more to help in the aftermath, and that more & more doctors are looking into what can be done to help us progress after treatment is completed.

Most of us who've had bc are left with post traumatic stress disorder.  (Probably all of us) Some worse than others.  So we really do need to look at how to help the psychological damage that is left after the physical damage is done & handled. 

I just wonder if there's really anything that can be done for our mental state after going through bc....  Just because of the very nature of bc....I mean, if we could just do our treatments & then have a doctor say to us, "That's it! All better! You'll never have to deal with this again!", there wouldn't be so many of us fucked up in the head now & possibly forever more.  Right?  But no responsible doctor can (should) say that.  Not even to someone with the teeniest, tiniest stage I bc. Just ask anyone living with stage IV bc. You'll be surprised how many of them were "cancer free & it's all behind you now" for years.  And so, now we have "the fear"

Anyway....I'm getting better at dealing with "the fear", the farther out I get. (I think) But damn those appointments for the mammo & the Oncologist & Surgeon are still just so so so so so nerve wracking.  I don't suspect that part is gonna change any time soon. I always apologize to my docs for being such a damn freak when I come in to see them, but they all assure me that it's totally natural & normal to still feel freaked out & stuff.  

I'm glad that doctors are starting to look at & acknowledge that we are psychologically jacked up after bc & are looking for ways to help us with that.

You know what would really help?  A fuckin cure. 

Sunday, August 18, 2013

But I Always Thought That I'd See You Again

RIP Kidd Kraddick.

I'm very late with this post....but better late than never.  Which kinda contradicts the point of my posting this. Don't wait. Whenever possible, do things now.  Say things now. Love now. Hug now. Forgive now. Help now. 

And also just stop for a moment & be present in that moment. 

Hearing of the sudden death of Kidd was just such a shock.  Kidd Kraddick, a very well known DJ, who had "made it"...achieved fame & fortune doing what he loved, just pretty much dropped dead while in the actual process of doing what he loved. And I'm pretty sure that everyone in his life was very confident that they'd see him again.  It wasn't even a thought.   

For those who are like, "Kidd who?" The Kidd Kraddick In The Morning show is a morning drive radio show which is syndicated around the country & is also part of the new TV show Dish Nation. He died at a golf tournament held to raise funds for the charity he started, Kidd's Kids. [From the Kidd's Kids website: " At Kidd’s Kids, our primary goal is to provide chronically ill and/or physically challenged children (ages 5 to 12) with an unforgettable adventure! Throughout the year, we work hard to raise the funds necessary to send these special kids on an all-expenses paid, fun-filled, vacation to Walt Disney World ® in Florida."] 

All the digital billboards in town honored him...I grabbed this shot of one as we drove by....
Kidd always closed his shows with these words
Talk about when it's your time, it's your time.  (Something I really need to understand & just put my ass on an airplane much, much more often)

If there is anything positive (for me) to have come out of having had breast cancer, it's that I've noticed that I've become both very tolerant & intolerant of things.  I tolerate things that used to be BIG ol annoyances.  But now feel like these irritants are all "small stuff".  And so, I tolerate.  I'm intolerant of things that just waste time, with no good coming from it, or of certain language used when talking about people who have or have gone through cancer or other chronic illnesses (battled, fought, warrior, lost battle, etc) or other intolerable things like that.  

Anyway...the loss of such a great & giving person, so suddenly, I'm again reminded to be careful with my time.  Be careful with people & their feelings. I really don't want to ever live with the regret of not ever again having the opportunity to apologize for anything... apologize for being too moody, or apologize that I never did call, or feel bad that I walked away from someone who needed help, or apologize for hurtful words, or for the words I should have said, but didn't....  

*I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
But I always thought that I'd see you again.

I don't want anyone to feel that way....self included.


[*Fire And Rain - James Taylor]

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

You Know It Don't Come Easy

Yeah.  Again, another rant...on a topic that just keeps comin up.  

How many dues do ya think we need to pay?  

But let's give all the success in the world to a fuckin cat.  A  C A T !  Yeah, I am was a big Grumpy Cat fan. But Come The Fuck On Now.  A book.  A movie deal. And now, coffee.  C O F F E E . 


This cat...I hate you
Photo Credit: Grumpy Cat

The future won't last, it will soon be over tomorrow.

Just sayin.

Sunday, August 11, 2013

Life Is Very Short....

And there's no tii-iii-iii-ii-iime for fussing & fighting, my friend(s)....

True that.  There's also no time for not lovin certain *pick one* people / places / things in (or things about) your life.  But what do you do when you can't even tell if you're lovin it, or not lovin it?    

I'm pretty sure I've posted on these thoughts before. There are just some days when I'm just not sure how I feel or what I want.  And then sometimes it feels like things couldn't be more perfect. Some days you're up, some days you're down.  

Ahhh, c'est la vie.  

Hellooooo....I'd like off the seesaw now. 

Def some things are changing....some things still need to change.  And in the near future, some things WILL change. Change is scary. Because of the possibility of regret. But not changing things can bring regret too.

Ahhh, THANKS bc [sarcasm] for makin me contemplate livin life & makin me question if I'm doin it right. 

Only time will tell if I am right or I am wrong.