Magic Bus....

This is just a brief bit of random rambling that's been in my head for years......

So, sometimes, I think we have to choose what sort of things are worthy of argument. Ya know? And for me, those things change with time. What once was not worthy of a heated discussion, now may very well be worthy of that and more.

So....Had a bit of a cancer scare in October. Had my first ever 3D mammogram.  Which led to the ultrasound.  And then the needle biopsy.  It wasn't cancer.  

December 2017

It was like 2009 all over again.  Sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.  All the memories of surgeries, chemo, baldness....and the way people attempted to comfort me.  One way in particular that really pissed me off and still does to this day is when someone tells you something along the lines of "You really should just try not to worry and stop wasting so much time and energy with being so upset. I mean, we're all going to die, eventually...one way or another...of something. You could get hit by a bus tomorrow..." And I just sit and smile.... 



Well, I did in 2009 - 2010, but pretty sure Imma have a whole bunch to say back if this kind of shit gets said to me ever again when I am being stressy about bc. 

Yes, the Magic Bus. The one you won't see and just step right out in front of.  Or the one that jumps up on your sidewalk.  

Yes, we all will die of something.  But having had breast cancer, you are kind of put on notice that the chance of it being sooner rather than later just increased. 

Just been on my mind again after the cancer scare. 

So I guess I'm just trying to say that, this kind of "advice" really doesn't do anything but trivialize my feelings and stressyness...and in my eyes, kinda makes you look like an asshole. 

Just sayin'.....

Too much, magic bus.  

Just Beat It

Ok, time for a bit of a rant. (Again?) And maybe I'm just too sensitive, need a thicker skin...whatever. And this post has been in draft and rewrites since before I reached the end of all the cancer doctor appointments for this year. And I'm pretty sure a bit of what I'm bout to say will make me unpopular with some.  

I'm sure we're all seeing this, especially now that we're right in the middle of the pink craziness that is October....banners and pictures that state: "When breast cancer is detected early, the 5 year survival rate is 98%." This is starting to grind my very last damn nerve. That number...98%, includes so many people who will not survive bc.  This number is based on still being alive after 5 years.  So you catch it early, do treatment, survive 5 years, you are counted as a survivor.  If you get diagnosed with metastasis of your bc, even the day after your 5 year cancerversary, (or even in the middle) well, then, I guess you get counted again as part of the 30% of bc people who will get metastasis, even years and years later.  So now you're both a "survivor" and a stage 4 patient. Mine was not considered "early stage" by the way. 

So recently I've had more than one person tell me that I'm allowing "the fear" to ruin the rest of my cancer free life, every day, and that it's such a shame, since I've "already beat it".  (Obviously people are super weary of my bc talk this time of year.) Some expressed this opinion to me in a friendlier manner than some others did. But not all the people who know and care for me think this way...Or at least I don't thinks so... Maybe there are some who are keeping it to themselves if they feel this way about the way I'm handling my survivorship.... Well...if only there was a point where we can know for absolute sure that bc is done...not coming back, I wouldn't get so bent when people say that kind of thing to me. But, sadly, we aren't there yet.  And, although I've blogged this nine ways from hell to breakfast, it bears repeating....bc is an asshole... it's a kind of cancer where there is no amount of cancer free time that indicates "yer done". Ok? There's just not!! And it could come back, or worse, metastasize, at any time, regardless of the stage at initial diagnosis and regardless of treatment chosen. And it can come back as a totally different kind of bc than what you started with too, so there's that. Pretty much about 30% of people diagnosed will have stage 4 bc.  And it sucks. And this is where "the fear" comes in when dealing with oncology style of appointments.  

Now, I can confirm that, each year I'm better at managing this effin "fear".  Less and less of my time is consumed with bc issues now.  BUT, when faced with a mammo, or oncologist, or blood work....yeah....it rears it's ugly head.  And from what I can tell from talking with others, it's completely normal and natural.  I allow myself to feel how I feel. 

And if "beating it" were as simple as only eating organic, consuming tons of kale and blueberries, chowing down on lentils while burning patchouli incense and singing "Kum Ba Yah" around a fire pit, then surely info on this would take bc treatment more that way, oncologists would prescribe it & proclaim the elusive cure has been found, and no more with the "slash / poison / burn" treatment.  Ya know?

Anyway, we're all (bc people) gonna have those anxious moments... please don't make the mistake of telling us to just be all super happy & positive 100% of the time cause we've "beat it".  

Only if and when I'm privileged enough to become much, much older and / or pass from something other than bc.... Then I've beaten it.

Just sayin...

Ok, end rant.

They're Coming To Take Me Away....

Just a bit of a rambling musing here.  

Is having breast cancer a one way ticket to the funny farm where basket weavers sit & smile & twiddle their thumbs & toes...??  If I were to ask O that, he'd say, "For YOU it is." Ahhhh well......

My medical team is really great.  I love all of 'em.  And I really do appreciate that Dr W has talked with me about & is looking into ways to help the fact that yes, we know what to do with a patient that has been diagnosed with breast cancer.  But, he admits, that's where his expertise ends...that after treatment is complete, they really don't know what else they can do for us & our altered outlook & the psychological issues that remain, even after the cancer is gone. I love that my docs want to try to do more to help in the aftermath, and that more & more doctors are looking into what can be done to help us progress after treatment is completed.

Most of us who've had bc are left with post traumatic stress disorder.  (Probably all of us) Some worse than others.  So we really do need to look at how to help the psychological damage that is left after the physical damage is done & handled. 

I just wonder if there's really anything that can be done for our mental state after going through bc....  Just because of the very nature of bc....I mean, if we could just do our treatments & then have a doctor say to us, "That's it! All better! You'll never have to deal with this again!", there wouldn't be so many of us fucked up in the head now & possibly forever more.  Right?  But no responsible doctor can (should) say that.  Not even to someone with the teeniest, tiniest stage I bc. Just ask anyone living with stage IV bc. You'll be surprised how many of them were "cancer free & it's all behind you now" for years.  And so, now we have "the fear". 

Anyway....I'm getting better at dealing with "the fear", the farther out I get. (I think) But damn those appointments for the mammo & the Oncologist & Surgeon are still just so so so so so nerve wracking.  I don't suspect that part is gonna change any time soon. I always apologize to my docs for being such a damn freak when I come in to see them, but they all assure me that it's totally natural & normal to still feel freaked out & stuff.  

I'm glad that doctors are starting to look at & acknowledge that we are psychologically jacked up after bc & are looking for ways to help us with that.

You know what would really help?  A fuckin cure.