You Say Goodbye, And I Say....

Hello? Hello, hello?

Yes, I'm still here.  I hope no one mistook my lack of posting to mean anything terrible, although for awhile there, I was kinda afraid of certain health issues.  So, let's jump right in...and here is your TMI warning.  Yes, we're gonna talk about lady-bits.  And their functions.  And the holidays.  And the New Year.  And the future of the blog.

Ok, Reader's Digest version: After being told I'm FIRMLY in menopause with blood FSH test of 128, the out of the blue visit from "Aunt Flo" after a four year absence, (well, except for a quick visit back in 2012) was just a bit more than surprising. Hel-LO!  Not being able to get the lovely vagi-sono the doc wanted done for three weeks...till AFTER all the holidays....yeah, made it just a bit anxiety filled.  And the fact that things got "super-crazy-ass-heavy-hfs-am-I-hemorrhaging-now-maybe-go-to-the-ER" kind of heavy on Christmas Day.....Yeah.  Full on panic attack.  But didn't go to the ER. Just calmed the fuck down.  

Then a couple of days later *poof*. Gone.  Nada.  Like nothing ever happened. 

Finally got the sono.  New FSH run.  They say they saw "follicles" & that I'm ovulating. (I have no idea if I'm even saying this correctly.)  And uterus looks fine.  FSH is still showing menopausal, but is now 80 down from 128.  They said it appears that things are "waking up" again.  And we'll run FSH again in March.  So chemopause is apparently temporary for some.  Not sure how I feel about that, but not knowing wtf for so long did kinda damper some of the holidays with paranoia. Of course it did, this is ME! LOL! 

We did manage to have some fun in spite of it.  We ate too much, stayed up too late, slept in late, Skyped some and def had holiday fun....just with little sprinkles of me being a total psychosomatic/hypochondriac freak. LOL!  

No New Year's Resolutions for me this year.  Not even gonna bother, cause I never ever keep them.  And as you can see, more and more time seems to pass between blog posts.  Which is a good thing I think, since I started this because of getting cancer and being bald n' shit.  And without those things to talk about, I just kinda don't think I'm interesting enough to continue to blog the boring regular life stuff like I once did. I figure, it's not like I'm a celeb or anything, so who really gives a shit? Right? 

Oh sure, I could do yet another blog about yet another episode of rudeness at the Chipotle...where the lovely church goers saved all four normal tables for their party, trickling in, therefore we were stuck at a high-top (I hate high-tops) and one of those nice, normal tables remained totally "free" when we finished our meal and were leaving.  Yeah, loved that. 

Anyway.... I even spoke with O about redesigning the banner for the blog, since the hair is basically back to normal and I'm no longer "growing my long hair back".  But then I'm like, Eh, wtf for?

So You Say Goodbye to seeing weekly posts of my cancer crap, and I Say Hello to more and more of a return to normalcy.  Well, as normal as you can feel having gone through bc, because I truly don't think anyone ever really fully recovers from it mentally.  But it is not part of my every minute of every single damn day's existence anymore. Although, I am, and apparently will forever be the hugest hypochondriac and master of psychosomatics, cause, well, you know, because of the very nature of bc, things could happen....things could go from great & perfect to scary as shit in a nanosecond. More on THAT oh so lovely topic in a future post. And no matter what, the blog will not disappear, cause I love that certain posts, especially this one, are apparently very very helpful to many.

Me being goofy on NYE

So, I'll still post here, as stuff happens, or if something really cool, or uncool, or stupid, or interesting, or awesome, or another rant about finding food fail happens. And I really hope my subscribers and my regular readers, and my Facebook Likers and even my lurkers will hang in here with me, cause you just never know. Ya know? =)

Happy New Year!! 





[Disclaimer: Yes, I am very aware that I love to link to other posts & apparently am in love with italics.]

Where Is The Life That I Recognize?

*Gone away.

Sometimes being self employed just isn't all it's cracked up to be.  At all.  Oh sure, when you're younger, just starting out, freshly sick of the Nine To Five rat race & now making more money AND you have your "freedom" too?  Oh yeah, it's great.  

But then something changes....you get older...tire more easily.  You look up & you find you've spent the last *insert number of years here* working pretty much 24/7 to meet deadlines & satisfy your now *insert number* of bosses clients who depend on you to save the day. And at the very last minute, too too many times.  So you toil along, 24/7...leaving no time for social or recreational activities.  Had much more of that when we worked at our old "Nine To Fives". But I won't cry for yesterday...  

And then the economy did it's fun little crash thing & small businesses suffered hard core. And don't even get me started on the taxes you have to pay.  Gone are the days of refunds. But I won't cry for yesterday...  

And all for what?  For the freedom to be your own boss?  Set your own hours?  Have time for work and play?

Yeah.  That hasn't been our experience much lately.

Oh & let's throw in the complete destruction of life & the future as we know it with our new "Ordinary World" of breast cancer concerns, doctors appointments, doctors bills, and the like...

Yeah.  

Sorry that I appear to be in the midst of a complete (ongoing) pity party here.  Nothing like a last minute bomb getting dropped on you less than 19 hours from a deadline to give you such a warm fuzzy about owning your own business. Not. 

Obvs I'm still in the same mindset I was in when I posted "Life Is Very Short" . And I'm a big believer that you are shown signs, if you are open to seeing them.  The signs appear to be very clear.  And not just from a work & professional perspective either.   

And maybe all of this would be easier dealt with, if our world had never been turned upside down with cancer, forcing us to find the "new normal".  And everything happens for a reason... Is that what it had to take to get us to slow down & realize what's goin on & what's not goin on? What can we do to make it better? 

We're working on it.     

*But I won't cry for yesterday,
There's an Ordinary World, 
Somehow I have to find.
And as I try to make my way
To the Ordinary World
I will learn to survive.

* "Ordinary World" - Duran Duran

Different Strokes For Different Folks....

Ok, so this is gonna be a bit ramblin probably....more of a musing I guess, as I approach my Three Year Cancer Free Anniversary. 

So here we go. Immediately after clickin "Publish" on this post, I get a Facebook notification from one of the several breast cancer awareness/support/research/and-so-on-and-so-on-and-scooby-dooby-dooby groups I was subscribed to.  And the information in that post just rattled me a little bit.  I was gonna post a link here, but I don't wanna rattle anybody the way I was, so, just take my word for it.  It was not the best info for me to come across at that moment.  And so I very quickly unsubscribed from & unfollowed all of the above mentioned groups & blogs havin to do with breast cancer, except for just a couple where I know the person personally.  Ya know?  

Like, back in 2009 when I was diagnosed & began treatment, naturally I logged on to the Susan G Komen Discussion Forum in search of answers.  And luckily I "met" a group of really wonderful ladies who were also relatively new, or right on schedule with me.  I'm so glad I did that cause those ladies helped me so much with their experiences & to hear from some very long term survivors was really helpful too.  And along the way I managed to follow lots of bc blogs, Facebook groups & such.

As recently as oooohhhh....6 months ago, as a result of havin had bc, I thought I wanted to go to work in the field...either go back to school & get trained to do something like mammograms or CT Scans...or maybe become a Licensed Counselor, or volunteer at a Chemo facility.  I used to log on to the Komen Boards almost daily to try to answer questions & offer support for those newbies that came on there totally freakin out, just like I did in the beginning.  And that was fine for me (& hopefully for those newbies) at the time.

I dunno exactly when I started to change my mind about stuff, or what happened.  But somewhere along the way, I just decided I really didn't want that...to eat, sleep, live, breath, walk, talk bc anymore.  I found I went on Komen less & less cause I just couldn't handle readin those posts anymore.  I know there are some on there who have been on there for years & years, & they are SO helpful....but it's just not for me.  Different Strokes For Different Folks...Oooh sha sha...

I'm aware of many great ladies who have managed to turn their bc into a book writing career, or had their blogs made into books, or went to work in the field.  And those ladies are what inspired me to want that at one time too.  But now I just want to live POST bc.  Where it's not a part of my every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every month.  Ya know? I thought I wanted to work with bc all the time, like so many others, but realize I just can't.  (I get that this post is redundant, because of the other post I mentioned earlier.  But eh, this is where I'm at right now. And not everything that's goin on makes it into this blog, so......) It's always gonna be part of who I am now though.

I have a couple of friends who are also bc survivors who are doin a MUCH better job than me at achievin their new normal.  And I don't think those that know me are all that surprised that I'm still wafflin between feelin like bc is what I'm goin through, & what I've been through.  
Now I need to say that I'm SO glad to still be in touch with that group of ladies from the Komen Forum.  I call them my "Komen Sisters". Yay Facebook!  *waves at newly subscribed Komen Sisters* =) What we focus on together is the "New Normal".  Whatever "normal" is. I'm obviously still lookin for it.

I need to find it.  

I MUST find it.