You Say Goodbye, And I Say....

Hello? Hello, hello?

Yes, I'm still here.  I hope no one mistook my lack of posting to mean anything terrible, although for awhile there, I was kinda afraid of certain health issues.  So, let's jump right in...and here is your TMI warning.  Yes, we're gonna talk about lady-bits.  And their functions.  And the holidays.  And the New Year.  And the future of the blog.

Ok, Reader's Digest version: After being told I'm FIRMLY in menopause with blood FSH test of 128, the out of the blue visit from "Aunt Flo" after a four year absence, (well, except for a quick visit back in 2012) was just a bit more than surprising. Hel-LO!  Not being able to get the lovely vagi-sono the doc wanted done for three weeks...till AFTER all the holidays....yeah, made it just a bit anxiety filled.  And the fact that things got "super-crazy-ass-heavy-hfs-am-I-hemorrhaging-now-maybe-go-to-the-ER" kind of heavy on Christmas Day.....Yeah.  Full on panic attack.  But didn't go to the ER. Just calmed the fuck down.  

Then a couple of days later *poof*. Gone.  Nada.  Like nothing ever happened. 

Finally got the sono.  New FSH run.  They say they saw "follicles" & that I'm ovulating. (I have no idea if I'm even saying this correctly.)  And uterus looks fine.  FSH is still showing menopausal, but is now 80 down from 128.  They said it appears that things are "waking up" again.  And we'll run FSH again in March.  So chemopause is apparently temporary for some.  Not sure how I feel about that, but not knowing wtf for so long did kinda damper some of the holidays with paranoia. Of course it did, this is ME! LOL! 

We did manage to have some fun in spite of it.  We ate too much, stayed up too late, slept in late, Skyped some and def had holiday fun....just with little sprinkles of me being a total psychosomatic/hypochondriac freak. LOL!  

No New Year's Resolutions for me this year.  Not even gonna bother, cause I never ever keep them.  And as you can see, more and more time seems to pass between blog posts.  Which is a good thing I think, since I started this because of getting cancer and being bald n' shit.  And without those things to talk about, I just kinda don't think I'm interesting enough to continue to blog the boring regular life stuff like I once did. I figure, it's not like I'm a celeb or anything, so who really gives a shit? Right? 

Oh sure, I could do yet another blog about yet another episode of rudeness at the Chipotle...where the lovely church goers saved all four normal tables for their party, trickling in, therefore we were stuck at a high-top (I hate high-tops) and one of those nice, normal tables remained totally "free" when we finished our meal and were leaving.  Yeah, loved that. 

Anyway.... I even spoke with O about redesigning the banner for the blog, since the hair is basically back to normal and I'm no longer "growing my long hair back".  But then I'm like, Eh, wtf for?

So You Say Goodbye to seeing weekly posts of my cancer crap, and I Say Hello to more and more of a return to normalcy.  Well, as normal as you can feel having gone through bc, because I truly don't think anyone ever really fully recovers from it mentally.  But it is not part of my every minute of every single damn day's existence anymore. Although, I am, and apparently will forever be the hugest hypochondriac and master of psychosomatics, cause, well, you know, because of the very nature of bc, things could happen....things could go from great & perfect to scary as shit in a nanosecond. More on THAT oh so lovely topic in a future post. And no matter what, the blog will not disappear, cause I love that certain posts, especially this one, are apparently very very helpful to many.

Me being goofy on NYE

So, I'll still post here, as stuff happens, or if something really cool, or uncool, or stupid, or interesting, or awesome, or another rant about finding food fail happens. And I really hope my subscribers and my regular readers, and my Facebook Likers and even my lurkers will hang in here with me, cause you just never know. Ya know? =)

Happy New Year!! 





[Disclaimer: Yes, I am very aware that I love to link to other posts & apparently am in love with italics.]

Can The Child Within My Heart Rise Above....

So how bout this? As y'all know, I've been tryin to determine if I have completed menopause.  I know 43 is kinda young for that, but chemo & Tamoxifen can make it happen, & the docs have all suspected I was going through it over the last couple of years.  Anyway, so they've been running blood work, watching the FSH numbers, which determine if you have or have not gone through the menopause.  Ok?  So, last year my numbers showed that I was post-menopause, but were in a range that left open the possibility of things reversing, or the ovaries waking up & all systems kicking back in.  It's what I was hoping for.  Really.  Kinda don't wanna be totally all through menopause by 44, ya know?  (Turning 44 in June.)

So I had my annual visit with the OB Dr D.  He ran the test.  Said he'd call me the next day with the results. And he did.  First thing in the mornin too.  I'm all sleepy & stuff when the phone rang.  Went somethin like:

Dr D:  I have the FSH Lab results back.
Me: Great...so......
Dr D:  Well, anything over a 23 is post menopausal. 
Me: 'kay...
Dr D: Most of my post menopause ladies' numbers run somewhere in the 70s.
Me: M'kay....& my numbers?
Dr D: Well, it's the highest FSH I've ever seen....128.
Me: Whuuuuuuuuut????????

Ok, now, I was sleepy at the time, & he could have said highest he's ever seen in my age range, but I'm pretty sure he said it was the highest number he's ever seen, although, after some research, it's not uncommon for post menopause numbers to be in the 100s. Ok fine.

Yeah.  So not only am I post menopausal, I'm waaaaaaaaaaay post menopausal. I guess.  Great.  And thanks to bc, I can't take hormone replacement therapy to feel "like myself" again.

* "Well, I've been afraid of changing, cause I've built my life around you..."

So, I guess my internal body is now similar to that of an old lady? I don't know. I really don't understand the significance of the FSH number.  Meanwhile, in my mind I'm still in my 20s...& married to a very young 40 something.  This can present a whole bunch of new hurdles....like we haven't jumped enough already. But really, I'm pretty sure O didn't sign up for an eternity of hanging out with a very immature young at heart, little old lady this early in his life. Ya know?

Same for others in my life...family, friends, people we work with....Not really gonna get specific here about the hurdles, just know that although I'm SO grateful for my (so far) survivorship, there are scary things about it too.

Apparently, since my hair is basically back to normal, I'm told I look pretty much the same as before the bc bs.  Which is good.  I think most can tell that aging scares the shit outta me...& I really fight the outward appearance of aging, tooth & fucking nail.  Vanity?  Maybe. (And no, I have not had any cosmetic procedures at all.)  Or maybe it's just that I wanna try to stay as young as I feel am in my mind. 

* "Time makes you bolder, children get older. I'm getting older, too."

So, so so so many things change as we get older...So many things I used to think & believe, I think & believe differently now.  Experience? Cancer survival? Aging? All of the above? Yes, yes, yes & yes.  I think.  And apparently having concrete proof that I've officially completed "the change" has def given me cause for pause. 
Men-o-pause.  Yay.  This could also explain the thinning skin (& more than just physical skin) & gray hair issues...& other stuff.

Anyway...very much thoughtful these days.  Especially after getting those test results.  

* "Can I sail through the changing ocean tides...Can I handle the seasons of my life?

I don't know, I don't know."

[*Landslide, Stevie Nicks]

The Bitch Is Back... (TMI WARNING)

She goes by many names...Aunt Flo, Miss Monthly Visitor, Miss Red, Dot, Ladybug...After an almost two year absence, yes, the Bitch is Back....I think.....well, not sure just how back....so this is what happened.  *This is where the TMI stuff is, for you squeamish readers.*

I started seein just a trace, teensy tiny, teeny bit of spottin.  I was all like, mmmm'kaaaay...Am I havin a menstrual cycle?? Kinda thought that biz was pretty much over.  Especially since Dr W's FSH test in May showed I was POST menopausal....(but then the other hormone showed ovulation)....Anyway....so I called the ob/gyn Dr D....decided to go ahead & move up the sono appointment from September to ASAP & make sure there were no Tamoxifen related issues.  And also re-ran that FSH hormone test to see what's goin on here.

So I go for the sonogram. And I broke my New Year's Resolution to remain calm & not be a total weirdo freak in front of my doctors. Ugh...so embarrassing!  But everything looks fine.  Same ol same ol, except for the fact that it appears that I had recently ovulated. He & the tech were all like "Hey look at that, she ovulated!" 0.0...  Next day I get the phone call that yes, the FSH still shows I'm POST menopausal...but the number is goin down...a tiny bit...Down is the direction toward PRE-menopause numbers....& then there's the whole issue of the ovulation.  How the hell do you ovulate if you've completed menopause???

So here's what Dr D is thinkin....it appears that perhaps my ovaries are "wakin up" after havin gone through all the trauma of chemo & cancer treatment.  And maybe I will expect some irregular visits from ol Auntie Flo...Hormones could be just all over the place for awhile.  Which would explain a lot....Bitch is Back you say?  Mmmm, yeah...just ask O who's referred to me as a "moody bitch" twice in the last month. (And he'd be SO right, too.) 

Sooooooooooooo long story short....had them copy Dr W on these findings.  Dr W will probably run it again next month.  So still have a bit of a flurry of docs to see in September.  And this "Milestone Mammo"....ugh. 

On the way to get tats

Ok, subject change.  My friend & I went & got matchin tattoos.  I call em our "BFF Tats".  It's a design with an eternity symbol that's open on one end...together you can see that they would "connect".  I know..."Awwwwww.....ain't we sweet?!" 

Yay!