Everything I've Been Through...

You Wouldn't Know....

"You don't LOOK like a bc survivor!"  Ummmm....Thank you?

Who the fuck says that to someone? Well, I AM, whether or not I look like it.  My left boob sure as hell looks like it survived bc.  

What exactly does a bc survivor look like anyway?  Not all bc people do chemo, and take on the "look" of a cancer patient. (Assuming most associate the "look" with baldness or very short hair.) But I assure you, whatever a bc survivor is supposed to look like, I am one.**  

On my 45th Birthday 6/5/14

Throughout the treatment process, my look changed.  During the regrowth of my hair, I guess I must have "looked" like a bc survivor, cause no one ever said I didn't during that time.  

But the other day, someone actually said  to me..."You don't LOOK like a bc survivor!", and I was just kinda....well....flabbergasted beyond speech.  What are you trying to say a bc survivor looks like???

Think people. 

/ rant

** I kinda hate that term, "bc survivor", but I don't know what else say. I can't really say I've "survived" it, till I'm very, very old, if I am so fortunate.

Scar Tissue That I Wish You Saw

[Ok, here's a bit of a rambling, ranty musing...not much rhyme or reason here I don't think...]

Scars. Some scars you never see...and some emotional scars sometimes never heal. 

Oh sure, I could show you the big ol scar on what's left of my left boob, or the one under my arm from the removal of the lymph nodes...and sometimes you DO actually see the mediport scar.

But I guess what I wish people could understand is that once you've had this stupid ass cancer...you never fully recover from it...mentally or emotionally.  Now, I'm not saying I'm all cancer, all the time.  Definitely not (anymore). But I do still have my moments.  Like any time something hurts...or doesn't feel quite right. Although I talk less and less about it with others...it's always there...in the back of my mind.  And how could it not be? The rest of my life is now filled with constant reminders.  Like, the reduced range of motion I have in my left arm now, the loss of strength in that same arm, the mild lymphedema...or having to put on a prosthesis to wear certain kinds of things...having to wear a compression garment to exercise or do other physical kinds of things, or when traveling by air....you know, stuff like that.  

But after a certain point, most people expect that "You've won the battle & beat it" and "it's all over and done with now" so "let's get all back to normal now"...  But my normal is now a different kind of normal.  Even as I approach FIVE years out.  Which, seriously, means absolutely Jack-Shit in breastcancerland. Here's a FACT: 30% of people diagnosed with bc, regardless of the stage...yes even early stage, will develop distant metastasis.  And we don't know why. Maybe this is why my mind is now the way it is about all kinds of things.

My friend said something to me recently that got me to thinking.... Having had cancer (or going through a major or traumatic or life changing event) really does show you exactly who's who in your life. Who your friends are. Who your friends aren't. Who really cares/d about you. And who doesn't and/or never did. She is absolutely right. Realizing exactly who's who can be kind of scarring...

Also, when you learn of someone getting a mets diagnosis, or passing from it...scars.  Especially when that person had a similar diagnosis...or was diagnosed about the same time as you were. Very, very scarring.  

What's the worst unseen scar for me? The fact that our life is now divided into "BC" - Before Cancer and "AD" - After Diagnosis... 

Scars.

Now, just because this post is a bit of a downer, please don't think I'm  going through life all sad or angry all the time and stuff.  Quite the contrary.   And yes, I do have bigger and bigger chunks of my day and life that bc is not even a part of.  This is just a post that's been in draft for probably a year and a half and I just wanted to put it on out there is all. And I'm still not happy with it, but really gotta get some of these "drafts" either published or just deleted.  Ya know?  

  

Pretty In Pink....

Nope.  No it's not.  October. Here we go again.  Pink bc awareness month. Seems that every single year, my thoughts change on how I feel about all this pinkness.  Last year I was just kinda "meh" about it.

This year I'm just over the pink this & pink that.  No, I'm not one to get all militant about pink ribbons & pink everything in October.  But I'm starting to see that it's  just not fair.  WHY all this attention on bc?  Isn't every single damn part of your body able to get some sort of cancer? Why all the bc focus?  And why pink?

One thing I really have never understood is all this "Race for the Cure" stuff where you see ladies all decked in pink everything, complete with boas & tutus & tiaras.  I can't really understand how people appear to be all celebratory about bc awareness.  Believe me, the world is totally fuckin aware of bc. And before you come at me with the "they're celebrating survivors" stuff...I get that.  But at the same time, I kind of feel it's insensitive to those living with stage iv bc, & to the families of those taken by it.  Yes, when I first was diagnosed, I went to "Pink Out" things & did Relay for Life stuff...wore pink ribbons...but as I went through & continue to go through it, thoughts & feelings change, ya know? 

Now hear this: There is NOTHING Pretty In Pink about bc.  

So, September is Ovarian Cancer Awareness Month...where's their Teal Race? Or Leukemia's Orange Race?  And so on & so on....

But nooooo...let's just make a big ol fuckin party about bc.  Why?  Cause it's BOOBS? Everybody likes to look at boobies, right?

Well, I'm sorry that maybe you don't find a Pancreas as pretty as Boobies, but I sure would like to see even HALF the attention given to bc, shared with funding research for pancreatic cancer...or colon cancer, or....What, colons not cute enough for ya? 

Let's not forget that there are all kinds of fucked up cancers out there, ok? (Is there any other kind? I think not.)

I don't love that Fall now includes a visit to the oncologist. I love the fall.  Every year I start looking in certain craft stores as early as July for the first Halloween deco fun things.  And I always find them.  But now, even though I do still love the fall, it has been tainted a bit for me. Although I was diagnosed in the summer, the shit really started hitting the fan as fall approached. Chemo started in August. Head was shaved in September. And that, as y'all all know, was really the hardest part....so now, even as I can feel the seasons changing, I'm also kinda ill feeling too, since September is now one of the months of my bi-annual Six Month Oncology Tours.  

And yes, I do have a pink ribbon on my car.  Some bc people still like it.  And maybe it'll get me out of a speeding ticket one day.  Now I mostly keep it there to help me find the damn car in a parking lot.

Please don't misunderstand me.  I don't have issues with those who like the pink ribbon. I am not offended by the pink ribbon.   I'm VERY honored when someone tells me they participated in a Pink *this or that* thinking of me or in my honor.  Love love love that.  And thank you so so so much.   

Just think before you pink. Seriously, the majority of this pink ribbon branded merch only donates the tiniest portion to bc research, if anything at all.

*******************************************************************************************

Ok, topic change...I made it through the Autumn Oncology Tour with flying colors.  Dr W said that if all is still well in March, he'll release me to annual Oncologist visits.  Dr V went ahead & released me to annual visits following my annual mammograms...& as I type, I'm waiting on the results of my blood work, drawn this morning at my annual physical..plus flu shot.  And my arm hurts...like it wants to fall off hurt.  But it's worth it.  

Ok, so that's it for now...Think Before You Pink.  

It's In The Way That You Use It....

Social Media...Technology....Internet....Blogs...

They can all be really awesome, wonderful things.  They can also be terrible, shitty things.  It's in the way that you use it.  

I've experienced both. I like to use them for good, positive & information stuff. Like this....to let y'all know that I survived the mammo.  All clear.  This knowledge should make me a little less stressy when I go see Dr's W & V at the end of this week. We'll see.  Or I can totally disregard this knowlege since the 2009 mammo missed the stage 3 bc, & be a typical, total freak. Right now I'm feeling pretty calm & confident. It comes & it goes.

And the Fall Candy is in the house, so, just in time for the Autumnal Equinox, the fabulous fall season is officially in full swing.  Yay!

 

Thanks for checking in on us.  Will let ya know how the last two appointments of the Autumn Oncology Tour go.

xx

Blessed And Lucky

Four Years.  Four years today.  Today marks the day that I've been cancer free for FOUR years.  Four.  Four years of cancer freeness.  (Hey, "freeness" is actually a word.  HA!)

Gonna go out & have fun today.  I totally schedule it off like a holiday.  Mostly.  Well, ok, some work in the morning, but this afternoon is gonna be about fun.  Fun. For. Me. 

Hopefully my bc freeness trend will continue for years to come.  Not all who have to do the bc thing are as lucky.  And I do want to take a moment to remind folks that there's nothing "pretty in pink" about havin breast cancer.  (Will have some thoughts on this & other blogs to share about the subject in near future posts.)

My friend M & I have been talkin quite a bit lately about how "everything happens for a reason".  She even added to it that maybe when things happen, they happen for someone else's reason & not necessarily your own.  Yeah, ok...I can see that. Kinda... 

Anyway....I think I've finally given up tryin to understand the what, why, "for a reason".... I'm just glad to be here still.  And maybe, just maybe, (hopefully) years & years from now, I'll know how it was meant to be.

Yep...These Are The Days......

*I'll probably (hopefully) be back later to share what funness we had on my anniversary.*