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Friday, February 27, 2015

Funny How I Find Myself....

Blogging less and less....I know....I keep saying on Facebook that new, fresh blogs are coming, and then....nuthin.  

I've asked myself, how much do you...
Commit yourself?

Gonna ramble here a bit....

Maybe it's because there are so many, many great writers out there in the blogosphere (REAL writers with talent...you know, those who have actually published stuff and had features in HuffPo and stuff...) who just pretty much are reading my mind.  So I just share those posts.  I plan to add my own thoughts, but then stuff happens in the Real World, and then a topic becomes stale, and then it just never comes out. Like a post I did that will probably never see the light of day about that asshat doctor who thinks "cancer is the best way to die". Sure, I did a very ranty, profanity laden, tongue in cheek post, but by the time I got it finished....yeah....just kinda too past due. (And when O read it, he warned me to brace myself for suggestions of getting some anger management, if I do post it..lol...)

And once you've taken a big, fat blogging break, it's so hard to get back into it. Well, for me, anyway. 

I'd tell myself, what good do you do...
Convince myself.....

Another reason?  Although this blog is not only about my experience with breast cancer, it is mostly about my experience with breast cancer.  And these days, thankfully...SO thankfully...there's just not much to report. Except if I want to write about the residual anxiety and PTSD. Again. And again... Ahhh, such is life, post treatment, now that I only see the oncologist annually. Nothing much to report, but a whole shit load of anxiety from time to time. But mostly was about my total meltdown over having to lose my hair, thus the one post that does seem to help people, the Hair Regrowth Timeline. 
What not in the mood looks like

Here's the thing... I just have to be in the mood to get down to writing. And for several reasons, none of them cancer related, I just plain ol haven't been in the mood.  As a result, I'm learning that when it comes to writing, it's a use it or lose it type of thing.  Not that I've ever fancied myself an actual writer, one with any real talent. This blog simply started off as a CarePage to keep my family and friends apprised of my treatment and how things were going in cancerland, without having to write tons of emails and make tons of calls. 

It's My Life...

I've been told that my blog used to be much more humorous...that readers used to laugh more when reading posts from years ago.  Like when I would post about how difficult it is for O and I to grab a bite to eat sometimes...we call it "food fail", or "the Of Course factor". Have I lost my sense of humor? I hope not.  Maybe I used to be more open about things going on in our life.  And maybe there's just not a whole lot of happenings of interest to readers of the blog lately. I'm not a celebrity or anything. Who really gives a fuck that this or that happened while I was out and about doing this or that...Eh, maybe I'm running out of fucks to give about stuff, thus, less ranting about non cancer things.  

Maybe it's because I don't want to worry people that I know read my words. And then call me up, all kinds of concerned. And give all kinds of advice on how I'm dealing with this or that. (Another post for another time.) And then maybe it's because some people are super weary of my non brave, less than happy, anti pink attitude about having had this bc fucker. Like those who say "No doubt it will come back, as much as you worry and keep it on your mind! You are DONE girl! Get Happy!!" Yes, this, and worse, has been said straight to my face. Or maybe I just don't want to hear it from those who think just being positive is going to keep cancer away or from coming back... 

Funny how I blind myself....

I really did try to be that "pink, ass kicking bc warrior" type in the very beginning. It was the only thing I knew about breast cancer then. Oh yes, I flanked myself in that ribbon...the one that is the shade of Pepto Bismol. But then the light bulb came on when a dear friend, years out from a teeny, tiny, stage 1 breast cancer, double mastectomy, clear margins for miles, and aggressive chemo, turned up with metastasis to the lung. Fuck the pink rah-rah. (My friend is NED - "No Evidence of Disease" for years now, I'm super happy to say. Oh, and she's one of the most positive and caring people I've ever met.) I am not criticizing anyone who likes the pink, or the warrior language...I'm really not. I don't tell people how to "do" their cancer and don't like people telling me how I should handle mine. Whatever works for you, do that. All that pink and fighter/warrior stuff just isn't for me at this point of things. (Again, another post, or maybe a re-post, for another time.)

Of course I am so thankful for every day that I continue to be NED. I think lately I have been hesitant to do posts about non breast cancer stuff, or the fun stuff, or my gratitude for still being here almost six years later, when so many are still dying of breast cancer, and yet, there STILL is not nearly enough being done about it.  I dunno...  

And maybe writing just isn't working so much for me anymore lately. Or maybe it's just the time of year, when I tend to stay inside, out of the cold as much as possible, and cook comfort food and eat too much. Who wants to hear about that boring shit? LOL!

But, hopefully, with this post, and some very interesting times on the horizon, the LunaTech just might be back at it. 






16 comments:

Aesthetics48 said...

I can totally relate to what your are saying about blogging. I had a mixed up blog from the get go. I love gardening but I noticed that I was getting so involved with what is going wrong in this country I finally had to quit because everything was depressing me. It is hard to write when you aren't a talented writer like me and there are so many who can. You have done really well over the years and you have certainly been positive. Writing is hard and really time consuming, I know. Loved your post. aka Aesthetics ;)

LunaTechChick said...

Thanks so much for your sweet words, Ace!! Nailed it. xx

tric said...

It sounds like blogging was hugely helpful to you in those early days, but now you have perhaps moved on and less inclined to blog about your cancer.
I have never read your blog before but came via Journeyingbeyondcancer round up.
Blogging I think for most comes and goes. If you wouldn't miss it, then okay perhaps move away, but if you would hold onto it, and revisit it anytime you like.
I have no set theme on my blog so I'm free to write about anything, but I do know others who have parenting blogs and their kids are getting older so they don't wish to share as much.
Maybe you are just at a blogging crossroads.
What ever you do, good luck.

LunaTechChick said...

Hi tric! Thanks so much for reading & commenting here. And thanks to JourneyingBeyond.... I think you are absolutely right. I will probably keep blogging, as it does seem kind of theraputic for me still. Just maybe have been going through some stuff & just got plain ol out of the mood. But thanks for rewding & commenting. :)

Sharon Greene said...

I really enjoy your blog posts and I hope you become inspired to keep writing. We need more of the less than thrilled with pink ribbon warrior status voices out here in Cancerland.

LunaTechChick said...

I agree Sharon! And thanks so much for reading my words & glad to know they're still helpful & entertIning. xx

eileen@womaninthehat said...

Kimberly, it's just nice to hear from you. You have your own unique voice. More importantly, we bloggers have developed a support system among ourselves and come to know each other through the internet, even if not in person. It's just nice to hear from you. You could say blah blah blah and I'd think: Oh, nice to hear from Kimberly. She's so blah blah blah. And P.S. re positive thinking: If my positive thoughts had worked, I wouldn't have gotten cancer to begin with. If it worked, I'd be dead by now. I can't tell you how negative and how stressful life has been since b.c. Seriously, I shouldn't be NED. It makes no sense except I think getting your real feelings out serves its own purpose. 'Nuf said. As you can tell, I'm also feeling very blah blah blah.

LunaTechChick said...

Hey Eileen! I know just what you mean & thanks so much for commenting. And reading. I guess one does start to wonder why they spend the time when it appears no one is even reading. Yeah, these last 5.5 years have been so full of negativity, yet I'm so grateful for each and every day, negative or not. So glad to have gotten to know you & all my other blogger friends through these interwebs! :) xx

Carolyn Frayn said...

I'm with Sharon, we need more anti-pink truths... and more reality with respect to the think positive movement. I hope you find the time to keep writing, when so inspired. :) I took a six month break from my blog and had trouble writing a simple update post, I hear ya... xo

LunaTechChick said...

Hi Carolyn! Good to know it's not just me & it really is harder to get back into it. I hope to get back to it more frequently. Obvs I enjoy it. Thanks so much for reading & commenting. :) xx

Claudia Schmidt said...

I just hit my 5 year landmark and am feeling very similar to you about the whole blogging thing. I've sort of said all I want to say about breast cancer (for now) and am really happy about moving on and into the next thing. Some days I just don't want to think or write about cancer. So I'm just letting it sit and am percolating ideas for when I'm ready to get back to it. So, I guess I just wanted to say I can relate, and do what you feel is best for you. xo

LunaTechChick said...

Hi Claudia! Apparently a pretty common thing after a certain point. I hope to have other fun things to write about sooner rather than later. Thanks for reading & leaving your thoughts. xx

Anonymous said...

Hi Kimberly,
Well, it's your blog, so you can write whatever you want whenever you want to. I happen to really love your candor, sas, humor and anti-pink sentiments. I'm relatively new to your blog, so I certainly hope you keep writing. If you do, I'll keep reading.

LunaTechChick said...

Hi Anonymous! Thanks for your encouragement! And so glad you'll be reading. Who knows what I'll ramble about next!!

Paula said...

Yeah, I guess I'm one of those people who is done with it. I don't talk about it much anymore because it's been 26 years. So I think I am done forever with it. But people handle it different and what ever makes you happy is what you need to do. Right now I am approaching the one year anniversary of Adam's death and I am sure that every soon somebody will say that I should be getting over the crying because it's been a year for goodness sake. I am dreading that conversation, just like people will tell you to get over it, we get over things at our own pace. So blog if and when you want and about what you want. I still love ya.

LunaTechChick said...

Hi Paula! I sure hope to make it 26 years out. I can imagine that with all that happens in life, that I would rarely think about it too. That is, until there is some unexplained ache, pain, or mammogram due. Pretty sure I'm always gonna be panicky about that. And if anyone DARE tell you it's time to just get over the loss of your Adam, I think you should punch them right in the face & tell them to STFU! That kind of pain I don't think ever goes away, nor should it, when you love someone. I am still so sorry for you & your family that he was lost. Yes, we all should be ALLOWED to move on at our own pace, but many just won't have it. It's apparently OUR job to make THEM feel comfortable. And I say, Fuck That! I love you girl! So glad you're part of my life!
xx