It was the beginning of the shit hitting the fan in our life.
Although I do tend to Remember The Times through all the procedures and treatments, this particular one might have been forgotten...except for MJ. And Farrah.
Showing posts with label freaking out. Show all posts
Showing posts with label freaking out. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
Do You Remember The Time...
Today. Today marks five years since Michael Jackson passed away. Farrah Fawcett as well, but all you saw on TV was Michael Jackson. I remember this day well. Ok, not "well" but, rather, vividly. Because when I heard the news that the King Of Pop was dead, I was resting on the sofa, ice pack on my boob, really flipping the fuck out from having just had a biopsy.
It was the beginning of the shit hitting the fan in our life.
Although I do tend to Remember The Times through all the procedures and treatments, this particular one might have been forgotten...except for MJ. And Farrah.
It was the beginning of the shit hitting the fan in our life.
Although I do tend to Remember The Times through all the procedures and treatments, this particular one might have been forgotten...except for MJ. And Farrah.
Thursday, April 3, 2014
What A Fool Believes.....
Welcome to April! I def saw my share of April Fools' jokes and also some April Fools (I was probably one of them lol) on April 1. One thing I love about the month of April is that by then I have already been to the oncologist and won't have to mess with that for awhile, weather is warmer and it's O's birthday month.
Ok, so, I saw Dr W...andI was all expecting him to say that everything looks great and let's start doing ANNUAL visits...cause that's what he said he planned to do when I saw him in September.
That is not what happened.
Fool that I am for believing him.
No...instead he said he'd like to see me in six months, just one last time on the six month thing, and THEN go to annuals. Ok, fine. That is actually closer to my five years of cancer freeness than March is so sure, no prob. But then he said he was going to order a blood test. A tumor marker test. My very first EVER tumor marker test, because Dr W has always said that he is no fan of tumor marker tests. (Nor is he a fan of constantly ordering scans to monitor bc.) He just thinks these tumor marker tests are just not all that reliable...any number of non cancer related things can cause a reading to look pretty fuckin scary, and can cause unnecessary stress to an already over the top stressed out, paranoid freak, such as myself. So, although he said that he has really "no faith" in the CA 27.29 with CEA tests, he felt it prudent to at least take a look at them before sending me off into the wild blue ANNUAL yonder....
I guess it makes sense. So the blood was drawn. We were told it could take a day or two to get the results.... O kinda nudged Dr W to try to get results sooner rather than later.
(And then 24 hours of me being a stressy weirdo freak began...something that I think is never going to change, when it comes to cancer testing and stuff....Ahhhh, the scars that remain from bc that will never heal....more on that in a future post...)
Anyway, I do understand that this test alone can't be relied on...but if something does look out of the ordinary, then coupled with other tests, like a CT, a recurrence or mets could be detected earlier, maybe even before symptoms arise, and hopefully dealt with. Ok, fine.
Thankfully, Dr W called the very next day...just about 24 hours after the blood was drawn. Went something like this:
*Ring Ring*
LTC: "Oh shit! It's Dr W! OhShitOhShitOhShit!!!!....Hello, this is LTC..."
Dr W: "Hi LTC, it's Dr W..."
LTC: "Hi Dr W, I'm very scared of you at this moment..."
Dr W: *chuckling* "Your tumor markers all look just fine!"
LTC: "OMG thank GAWD!! Whew!" So, does this mean I should cancel our appointment in 6 months and see you next March?
Dr W: "Well, I'll let you decide that..."
LTC: "Nooo....you're the boss of this....what is your recommendation?"
Dr W: "Let's keep the appointment, and I'll see you in 6 months."
Ok, so now here's the thing...am I a Fool for believing that a "just fine" looking tumor marker test actually means anything at all? I mean, since Dr W has no faith in these tests?? Right?
No, I don't think so. I actually DO feel better knowing this...because I'm thinking, "just fine" is great...elevated stuff means additional testing is needed, which may or may not reveal bc issues. I would (obviously) rather have "just fine" than "elevated...."
Soooooooo, I choose to believe, (fool or not), that it was good to run these tests and I'm glad to know they look fine.
And here I am being an April Fool on April Fools' Day 2014. =)
Ok, so, I saw Dr W...andI was all expecting him to say that everything looks great and let's start doing ANNUAL visits...cause that's what he said he planned to do when I saw him in September.
That is not what happened.
Fool that I am for believing him.
No...instead he said he'd like to see me in six months, just one last time on the six month thing, and THEN go to annuals. Ok, fine. That is actually closer to my five years of cancer freeness than March is so sure, no prob. But then he said he was going to order a blood test. A tumor marker test. My very first EVER tumor marker test, because Dr W has always said that he is no fan of tumor marker tests. (Nor is he a fan of constantly ordering scans to monitor bc.) He just thinks these tumor marker tests are just not all that reliable...any number of non cancer related things can cause a reading to look pretty fuckin scary, and can cause unnecessary stress to an already over the top stressed out, paranoid freak, such as myself. So, although he said that he has really "no faith" in the CA 27.29 with CEA tests, he felt it prudent to at least take a look at them before sending me off into the wild blue ANNUAL yonder....
I guess it makes sense. So the blood was drawn. We were told it could take a day or two to get the results.... O kinda nudged Dr W to try to get results sooner rather than later.
(And then 24 hours of me being a stressy weirdo freak began...something that I think is never going to change, when it comes to cancer testing and stuff....Ahhhh, the scars that remain from bc that will never heal....more on that in a future post...)
Anyway, I do understand that this test alone can't be relied on...but if something does look out of the ordinary, then coupled with other tests, like a CT, a recurrence or mets could be detected earlier, maybe even before symptoms arise, and hopefully dealt with. Ok, fine.
Thankfully, Dr W called the very next day...just about 24 hours after the blood was drawn. Went something like this:
*Ring Ring*
LTC: "Oh shit! It's Dr W! OhShitOhShitOhShit!!!!....Hello, this is LTC..."
Dr W: "Hi LTC, it's Dr W..."
LTC: "Hi Dr W, I'm very scared of you at this moment..."
Dr W: *chuckling* "Your tumor markers all look just fine!"
LTC: "OMG thank GAWD!! Whew!" So, does this mean I should cancel our appointment in 6 months and see you next March?
Dr W: "Well, I'll let you decide that..."
LTC: "Nooo....you're the boss of this....what is your recommendation?"
Dr W: "Let's keep the appointment, and I'll see you in 6 months."
Ok, so now here's the thing...am I a Fool for believing that a "just fine" looking tumor marker test actually means anything at all? I mean, since Dr W has no faith in these tests?? Right?
No, I don't think so. I actually DO feel better knowing this...because I'm thinking, "just fine" is great...elevated stuff means additional testing is needed, which may or may not reveal bc issues. I would (obviously) rather have "just fine" than "elevated...."
Soooooooo, I choose to believe, (fool or not), that it was good to run these tests and I'm glad to know they look fine.
 |
| See Mom, we have Dickey's too |
And here I am being an April Fool on April Fools' Day 2014. =)
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Don't Ask Me...I Don't Know.
So l am gettin some emails & messages from other awesome survivors lately...& it really makes me feel great that these ladies are encouraged by my blog & stuff. I love when I can help others feel supported, or ease fears, or just help another feel like they're not alone. Glad to be of some help, & in so doing, it helps me as well. *waves to new followers & subscribers* :)
But sometimes, I get asked about certain bc stuff that I just have no idea about. Things like tumor marker test numbers & onco score. I probably should know some of the stuff, like the onco score, but I just don't. I don't even know if I've even had the test that determines the stupid onco score. Or maybe I have & my doctors know me well enough to know that I don't need to know...which would mean it would have to be a bad score then...right? Or maybe not. Or maybe I do know, but don't remember...I don't know.
And then there's the tumor marker test. To my knowledge, I've never had a tumor marker test done. My Oncologist (and many many others) just doesn't like the tumor marker test for bc. So he doesn't do it. I'm fine with that.
I'm fine with not knowing these things because I just kinda feel like it really doesn't matter. The treatment I had was pretty much throwin everything the docs had at this cancer bullshit....pulled out the big guns, magic bullet, kitchen sink...everything. So really, at this point, what does it matter?
One of the things I do know about my bc is the Proliferative Index. My Proliferative Index was high. Crazy high. And sometimes I wonder if this Proliferative Index has anything to do with that Onco Score. Like if the PI is high, wouldn't the OS be high too? I don't know. And I'm not gonna be askin anyone either. Cause I don't need to know. And if I sit and think about everything I do know about my bc, all the things together, it totally freaks me the fuck out. So I don't do that shit anymore.
Why all this cancer convo, nerves & freak outness? Well, cause the skeery flurry of oncology type appointments looms ever closer on the calendar. Next week I go to have the blood drawn for Dr W...& then have to wait a week to see him & find out if I'm still good. (It used to be done all at one time...this waiting is the only thing I don't like bout the new location.) And the week following that, is the visit with the awesome surgeon Dr V. Normally I'm not so nervous about seein him, cause I'm armed with the knowledge that my mammogram is fine. But this time, I'm not freshly squeezed...so there's that. And since this stuff all begins next week, I am now a total hypochondriac & master of psychosomatics.
There's a shocker.
Ok, so still tryin to decide on the first Reel Rants episode. What I'm thinkin is, have the camera follow me around as I go to these appointments & stuff. Tape as much as the doctors & hospitals will allow. And then do a segment on good food or something. What do y'all think? I'm totally open for suggestions. At first I thought the show was just gonna be about me goin off about stuff that pisses me off, but decided it probably wouldn't be very much fun to just sit & watch me bitch about stuff. Ask O...he'll tell ya.
Anyway....even though I do seem a bit shaky at the mo, please do keep writing to me & commentin & stuff. I think when I can reach out & share with y'all back & forth, it really is helpful to me also & boosts my confidence & courage & stuff, & hopefully is helpful for you, too. We're in this together, you & me. So again, thanks everyone who regularly reads, follows, writes to me, Liked on Facebook, Follows on Twitter & comments here & stuff.
xx
But sometimes, I get asked about certain bc stuff that I just have no idea about. Things like tumor marker test numbers & onco score. I probably should know some of the stuff, like the onco score, but I just don't. I don't even know if I've even had the test that determines the stupid onco score. Or maybe I have & my doctors know me well enough to know that I don't need to know...which would mean it would have to be a bad score then...right? Or maybe not. Or maybe I do know, but don't remember...I don't know.
And then there's the tumor marker test. To my knowledge, I've never had a tumor marker test done. My Oncologist (and many many others) just doesn't like the tumor marker test for bc. So he doesn't do it. I'm fine with that.
I'm fine with not knowing these things because I just kinda feel like it really doesn't matter. The treatment I had was pretty much throwin everything the docs had at this cancer bullshit....pulled out the big guns, magic bullet, kitchen sink...everything. So really, at this point, what does it matter?
One of the things I do know about my bc is the Proliferative Index. My Proliferative Index was high. Crazy high. And sometimes I wonder if this Proliferative Index has anything to do with that Onco Score. Like if the PI is high, wouldn't the OS be high too? I don't know. And I'm not gonna be askin anyone either. Cause I don't need to know. And if I sit and think about everything I do know about my bc, all the things together, it totally freaks me the fuck out. So I don't do that shit anymore.
Why all this cancer convo, nerves & freak outness? Well, cause the skeery flurry of oncology type appointments looms ever closer on the calendar. Next week I go to have the blood drawn for Dr W...& then have to wait a week to see him & find out if I'm still good. (It used to be done all at one time...this waiting is the only thing I don't like bout the new location.) And the week following that, is the visit with the awesome surgeon Dr V. Normally I'm not so nervous about seein him, cause I'm armed with the knowledge that my mammogram is fine. But this time, I'm not freshly squeezed...so there's that. And since this stuff all begins next week, I am now a total hypochondriac & master of psychosomatics.
There's a shocker.
Ok, so still tryin to decide on the first Reel Rants episode. What I'm thinkin is, have the camera follow me around as I go to these appointments & stuff. Tape as much as the doctors & hospitals will allow. And then do a segment on good food or something. What do y'all think? I'm totally open for suggestions. At first I thought the show was just gonna be about me goin off about stuff that pisses me off, but decided it probably wouldn't be very much fun to just sit & watch me bitch about stuff. Ask O...he'll tell ya.
Anyway....even though I do seem a bit shaky at the mo, please do keep writing to me & commentin & stuff. I think when I can reach out & share with y'all back & forth, it really is helpful to me also & boosts my confidence & courage & stuff, & hopefully is helpful for you, too. We're in this together, you & me. So again, thanks everyone who regularly reads, follows, writes to me, Liked on Facebook, Follows on Twitter & comments here & stuff.
xx
Thursday, October 18, 2012
So Long, Farewell....
auf Wiedersehen, adieu....
For the last 10 years I've had a salivary gland stone. More specifically, I was told it was a 4mm calcium deposit in the submandibular salivary gland. (The cause of these stones is unknown...could be from takin my allergy meds, or blood pressure meds, or just the result of "dry mouth".) And at that time, the only remedy was surgery, or just use lemon drops or other things to stimulate saliva. Occasionally it would cause the gland to become infected...about once every couple of years. So then you take antibiotics. And I had such an infection a couple of weeks ago. And I was really sick & tired of dealing with it. So I did some Google-in & learned there is a newish procedure called Sialendoscopy...they go in through the opening of the gland duct with a tiny scope thing & pull the stone out. Great! So I made an appointment with an ENT doc. Of course a new patient tryin to see a specialist is gonna wait at least a couple of weeks to get an appointment. But I was cool with that. I've been dealin with this shit for 10 years, was already on the antibiotics...what's another couple of weeks, right?
But this time on the antibiotics was different from all the other times....I started seein this white lump under my tongue. And then after a couple of more days, the lump became scratchy feelin. Of course I jack with it. Try to scratch it off with my fingernail...nope. So I take my dental pickin tool thingy & try to scrape it off & when I drag it across the white lump, it sounds like I'm scratchin on a fuckin rock. So I Google again...At this point I've got myself absolutely convinced I've got some sort of fuckin mouth cancer or leukoplakia goin on...all my years of smokin (quit 9 years ago) & drinkin (don't ask) have finally caught up to me & now I've got fucking mouth cancer. Great. Finished the 10 day course of antibiotics. Still have a week to go before I can see the ENT guy. So I pop in to my regular PCP's office & see the Nurse Practicioner there. Show it to her, tell her my history of the pain in my ass (er, mouth) salivary gland stone, & ask her could this be the stone itself tryin to pass through the duct? She was all like:
"No...absolutely not. That's not what this is. I don't know what this is. Some sort of keratinized horn. But not leukoplakia...definitely not that."
Me: "Ok, can you say it's also definitely not mouth cancer?"
Her: "No, I can't say that either, but from the way you say it just appeared, it doesn't sound like cancer, which doesn't just 'pop up', but grows over time."
So we left & I felt reasonably sure I wasn't dying of anything. Shit, I just had my physical 2 weeks ago & was given a clean bill of health! *takes a bow* =)
But the damned white lump under my tongue just seemed to get larger & scratchier. And then I did more Google-in & saw pictures of salivary stones actually passing through the ducts & coming out. And then I was totally convinced that this is what I was dealing with. *shakes fist at Nurse Practitioner*
O looked at the Google pics, looked at the lump under my tongue & agreed. He was sayin to just sterilize some tweezers, grab that fucker & pull it out! But I was too scared. What if it flared out at the bottom, or was pyramid shaped? I don't wanna rip a big ass hole in my mouth & bleed like crazy! Then O recommended I swish my mouth with Listerine. So I did that. And then it started happenin. The gland started swelling...started having pain at the white lump under the tongue place. And then the stone pretty much shot right out of my salivary gland duct. I literally plucked it out with my fingernail.
Absolutely freaky fuckin shit. And ever since....I can see that my issues with this are a thing of the past. The floor of my mouth hasn't felt so happy & lovely in years.
So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, goodbye.
YAY!!!! =)
For the last 10 years I've had a salivary gland stone. More specifically, I was told it was a 4mm calcium deposit in the submandibular salivary gland. (The cause of these stones is unknown...could be from takin my allergy meds, or blood pressure meds, or just the result of "dry mouth".) And at that time, the only remedy was surgery, or just use lemon drops or other things to stimulate saliva. Occasionally it would cause the gland to become infected...about once every couple of years. So then you take antibiotics. And I had such an infection a couple of weeks ago. And I was really sick & tired of dealing with it. So I did some Google-in & learned there is a newish procedure called Sialendoscopy...they go in through the opening of the gland duct with a tiny scope thing & pull the stone out. Great! So I made an appointment with an ENT doc. Of course a new patient tryin to see a specialist is gonna wait at least a couple of weeks to get an appointment. But I was cool with that. I've been dealin with this shit for 10 years, was already on the antibiotics...what's another couple of weeks, right?
But this time on the antibiotics was different from all the other times....I started seein this white lump under my tongue. And then after a couple of more days, the lump became scratchy feelin. Of course I jack with it. Try to scratch it off with my fingernail...nope. So I take my dental pickin tool thingy & try to scrape it off & when I drag it across the white lump, it sounds like I'm scratchin on a fuckin rock. So I Google again...At this point I've got myself absolutely convinced I've got some sort of fuckin mouth cancer or leukoplakia goin on...all my years of smokin (quit 9 years ago) & drinkin (don't ask) have finally caught up to me & now I've got fucking mouth cancer. Great. Finished the 10 day course of antibiotics. Still have a week to go before I can see the ENT guy. So I pop in to my regular PCP's office & see the Nurse Practicioner there. Show it to her, tell her my history of the pain in my ass (er, mouth) salivary gland stone, & ask her could this be the stone itself tryin to pass through the duct? She was all like:
"No...absolutely not. That's not what this is. I don't know what this is. Some sort of keratinized horn. But not leukoplakia...definitely not that."
Me: "Ok, can you say it's also definitely not mouth cancer?"
Her: "No, I can't say that either, but from the way you say it just appeared, it doesn't sound like cancer, which doesn't just 'pop up', but grows over time."
So we left & I felt reasonably sure I wasn't dying of anything. Shit, I just had my physical 2 weeks ago & was given a clean bill of health! *takes a bow* =)
But the damned white lump under my tongue just seemed to get larger & scratchier. And then I did more Google-in & saw pictures of salivary stones actually passing through the ducts & coming out. And then I was totally convinced that this is what I was dealing with. *shakes fist at Nurse Practitioner*
 |
| The Salivary Gland Stone |
Absolutely freaky fuckin shit. And ever since....I can see that my issues with this are a thing of the past. The floor of my mouth hasn't felt so happy & lovely in years.
So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, goodbye.
YAY!!!! =)
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Superstition Ain't The Way.......
Right. So the 3 month appointment with my oncologist, Dr W is tomorrow. And I'm (as usual) nervous. But not as much as in the past. I've been just "havin a feelin" that I've totally beat this bs. That it's all gonna be good. And at the same time, I'm all weirded out about goin into this appointment all confident & not a bundle of nerves like I usually am. I think it's because, in my mind, goin in there anything less than bein all nervous means I'll probably get bad news. So, if I go in there all typically nervous, I should hear the same thing I always hear. Right? Cause I usually go in there all nervous, shakin in my shoes. And he always says everything looks good/great/beautiful. So I guess it's a bit of "expect the worst & hope for the best". Superstitious much? Right. So how much of a nut job am I? Bein all weirded out about not bein all weirded out about this appointment.
Or I'm just a headcase.
Wish me luck!
Or I'm just a headcase.
Wish me luck!
Sunday, November 21, 2010
I Think I Figured It Out
Why the mediport wouldn't register for the nurse. It does appear that it has shifted a bit...like it's trying to turn on it's side. This would probably explain the mild soreness I've been feeling below my shoulder for the last several days. And of course, me being me....yeah, I'm a bit freaked out about it. Maybe I should see if Dr V can go ahead & take it out....gonna call in the morning. Yep.
Friday, November 12, 2010
Posted Jan 21, 2010 If You've Got the Money Honey....
If You've Got the Money Honey....
Posted Jan 21, 2010 3:35pm
Soooooo, I was supposed to have my Herceptin infusion after Radiation today. But it didn't happen. Got the call at 9am this morning. My appointment was for 10:30. Gonna have to start getting my Herceptin done in the hospital until my ultra high health insurance deductible is met. Needless to say, this didn't go over with me very well. Nope, not well at all. Those of you who know me well might have some idea of the kind of "scene" that followed.
Hubby walks in on me in mid-meltdown on the phone and takes the phone from me and tries to reason with the nice Financial Director lady, to no avail. So I show up to the cancer center for my radiation. And after much bad noise & flailing about....the answer was still no. No can do. No payment plan will be worked out. Leave that to the hospital, which is more financially able to work out payment arrangements. See, Herceptin is very VERY expensive, and my health insurance deductible is very VERY high.
I really think the deductible should already be met, what with me having had 12 radiations to date, but it's a matter of the billing being submitted & the insurance paperwork getting done, so by the time they figure out that the deductible WAS in fact met, I will have already had 1, possibly 2 infusions at the hospital.
This cancer center I've been going to is owned by 3 of the oncologists who work there and they have to pay for these drugs up front. And, it was explained to me, I'm not the only patient requesting that a payment plan be worked out. And if they agreed to work it out for all who ask, they would soon be out of business. So, apparently I'm being unreasonalby upset.
The thing is this: this is serious business. I just don't like the idea of having to trust a total stranger to administer this infusion. I've come to know and put my trust in the chemo nurses at the cancer center. Now I'm gonna have to get it done, at least once, by a total stranger. And maybe this should not freak me out, but it totally freaks me out! Yet, those chemo nurses were all strangers to me in the beginning too. Oh well...this is ME...Miss High Maintenance I guess. They claim I'm not the most High Maintenance patient they've dealth with. Sheesh, I'd hate to meet whoever THAT is, cause I'm pretty dramatic with this stuff! LOL!
Sooooooo, today has not been a very good day. Nothin like being the fodder for the cancer center office staff to chit chat over my drama-queen-ness. And I get to show my face there again tomorrow for the radiation. Thank GOD they don't offer THAT at the hospital!
Anyway, so NEXT Thursday I'll get the dern Herceptin. Eh, whatever! I understand why this is how things have to be, but I don't have to like it.
And I don't.
Hubby walks in on me in mid-meltdown on the phone and takes the phone from me and tries to reason with the nice Financial Director lady, to no avail. So I show up to the cancer center for my radiation. And after much bad noise & flailing about....the answer was still no. No can do. No payment plan will be worked out. Leave that to the hospital, which is more financially able to work out payment arrangements. See, Herceptin is very VERY expensive, and my health insurance deductible is very VERY high.
I really think the deductible should already be met, what with me having had 12 radiations to date, but it's a matter of the billing being submitted & the insurance paperwork getting done, so by the time they figure out that the deductible WAS in fact met, I will have already had 1, possibly 2 infusions at the hospital.
This cancer center I've been going to is owned by 3 of the oncologists who work there and they have to pay for these drugs up front. And, it was explained to me, I'm not the only patient requesting that a payment plan be worked out. And if they agreed to work it out for all who ask, they would soon be out of business. So, apparently I'm being unreasonalby upset.
The thing is this: this is serious business. I just don't like the idea of having to trust a total stranger to administer this infusion. I've come to know and put my trust in the chemo nurses at the cancer center. Now I'm gonna have to get it done, at least once, by a total stranger. And maybe this should not freak me out, but it totally freaks me out! Yet, those chemo nurses were all strangers to me in the beginning too. Oh well...this is ME...Miss High Maintenance I guess. They claim I'm not the most High Maintenance patient they've dealth with. Sheesh, I'd hate to meet whoever THAT is, cause I'm pretty dramatic with this stuff! LOL!
Sooooooo, today has not been a very good day. Nothin like being the fodder for the cancer center office staff to chit chat over my drama-queen-ness. And I get to show my face there again tomorrow for the radiation. Thank GOD they don't offer THAT at the hospital!
Anyway, so NEXT Thursday I'll get the dern Herceptin. Eh, whatever! I understand why this is how things have to be, but I don't have to like it.
And I don't.
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