I Fake It So Real I Am Beyond Fake...

I'm still doing it. I come off like everything's fine, all the time. Great. Awesome.  "Super! Thanks for asking!"

When you look at my Facebook, it looks like I'm living a fun and fabulous life. And I am. Mostly. But why is it that I don't document the not so lovely times?

September 2009

There are very, VERY few photos of me bald. I wouldn't allow it. And being in the video/television biz, most people would have expected a documentary type of thing from us. But no. I thought that would absolutely jinx me. 

So far, 2016 has gotten off to a rough start. Way too many deaths of wonderful people from bc, and celebrities too. Most from cancer. Our life is incredibly different than it was just one year ago. Our address has changed twice, after living at the same address for 12 years. Our client list has shrunk. A lot. Thanks technology. And therefore, so has our income. But it's ok. I am with O, I have a very close friend that I've been besties with for bout 20 years, I remain NED, as far as anyone can tell. So life's good. 

But, at the same time, I'm so pissed off at what the future looks like, if I'm even lucky enough to live through it. It's gonna be hard. Not gonna lie. 

Back to the Facebook thing.... I do love me some Facebook. But, it really is your "best face forward" isn't it? I tend to use it as a digital scrapbook. So I guess it makes sense that there wouldn't be any documenting of the bad, ugly stuff. Right? Like the video O took of me fresh out of my first surgery. The one where I look gawd awful, oxygen thingy in my nose, giving O the finger for recording me. Or any pics of me bald. Or crying, which I did a LOT of in 2009. And still do today. 

I live in eternal fear of recurrence of breast cancer, or metastasis. I haven't made the smartest choices with career and finances. Kinda feel bad for us children of the 80's, who grew up with "Sex, Drugs, and Rock & Roll" as our goals. However, most of my friends dummied up. I didn't. I ran off and joined the damn circus, so to speak. So, there is a career change coming, more than likely. And going back to school. Better late than never, right?

Please don't misunderstand...O is one hell of an awesome producer/editor/photographer. And caregiver. And provider. And partner. And my best friend. I am more than spoiled. But we do have our moments. But who doesn't?

September 2015

During our brief time living in Savannah last year, we both actually contemplated the thought that perhaps we should just divorce. Because we love each other so much. I wanted to be home, near my mother, near the ocean. But he was miserable. Homesick. And apparently over qualified for the industry in that market. So, we talked about maybe he should just come back to Texas and I should stay in Georgia. But, if you came around us, or looked at our Facebook pages, you'd never even know such a thing was happening to our lives. Being in a situation to have to choose between the love of your life and your mother, and access to the ocean is just indescribable. I can't even put it in to words. But I feel we made the correct choice. I have always believed that we are always, precisely where we are supposed to be at every moment. 

People ask how are you doing? How are you feeling? And, regardless of how I am actually doing/feeling, I'll say "Great! How bout you?" And I have finally realized that it's because I don't want to cause anyone to feel bad. Definitely don't want pity. And come to think of it, I think most people are the same way. It's rare that I've ever asked how someone is, and then hear lots of terrible things. Oh sure, we all know that one person. You know, the one who couldn't say a positive thing if their life depended on it. Well, I don't wanna be that person.

December 2015

So, I fake it. A lot. Our move to Georgia and back has cost us a lot. Nearly everything. We're basically starting over. But it's ok. I'm actually proud of us for going for it. For reaching for that brass ring. Living life to the fullest. Dream chasing. Fake or no, I have and will continue to live life to the fullest that I can. 

I'm still gonna find something to smile about. Live my life to the fullest. Or just fake it till we make it. 

I want to be the girl with the most cake. 

Posted Jan 21, 2010 If You've Got the Money Honey....

If You've Got the Money Honey....

Posted Jan 21, 2010 3:35pm

Soooooo, I was supposed to have my Herceptin infusion after Radiation today. But it didn't happen. Got the call at 9am this morning. My appointment was for 10:30. Gonna have to start getting my Herceptin done in the hospital until my ultra high health insurance deductible is met. Needless to say, this didn't go over with me very well. Nope, not well at all. Those of you who know me well might have some idea of the kind of "scene" that followed.

Hubby walks in on me in mid-meltdown on the phone and takes the phone from me and tries to reason with the nice Financial Director lady, to no avail. So I show up to the cancer center for my radiation. And after much bad noise & flailing about....the answer was still no. No can do. No payment plan will be worked out. Leave that to the hospital, which is more financially able to work out payment arrangements. See, Herceptin is very VERY expensive, and my health insurance deductible is very VERY high.

I really think the deductible should already be met, what with me having had 12 radiations to date, but it's a matter of the billing being submitted & the insurance paperwork getting done, so by the time they figure out that the deductible WAS in fact met, I will have already had 1, possibly 2 infusions at the hospital.

This cancer center I've been going to is owned by 3 of the oncologists who work there and they have to pay for these drugs up front. And, it was explained to me, I'm not the only patient requesting that a payment plan be worked out. And if they agreed to work it out for all who ask, they would soon be out of business. So, apparently I'm being unreasonalby upset.

The thing is this: this is serious business. I just don't like the idea of having to trust a total stranger to administer this infusion. I've come to know and put my trust in the chemo nurses at the cancer center. Now I'm gonna have to get it done, at least once, by a total stranger. And maybe this should not freak me out, but it totally freaks me out! Yet, those chemo nurses were all strangers to me in the beginning too. Oh well...this is ME...Miss High Maintenance I guess. They claim I'm not the most High Maintenance patient they've dealth with. Sheesh, I'd hate to meet whoever THAT is, cause I'm pretty dramatic with this stuff! LOL!

Sooooooo, today has not been a very good day. Nothin like being the fodder for the cancer center office staff to chit chat over my drama-queen-ness. And I get to show my face there again tomorrow for the radiation. Thank GOD they don't offer THAT at the hospital!

Anyway, so NEXT Thursday I'll get the dern Herceptin. Eh, whatever! I understand why this is how things have to be, but I don't have to like it.

And I don't.