Today, July 23, I have been "cancer free" for exactly 5 years. I use this date because this was the day the last surgery was done and had clear margins, thus removing all the cancer...I've had a very tough time getting this blog together...my thoughts and feelings are just all over the place today, so I'm just gonna ramble a bit...
I remember when I first started going through all this bc stuff, I thought, "gosh, if I make it to the five year mark, I'll finally be free of bc, be able to relax and finally get on with life!" Well...I know now that it just doesn't work that way.
For the first year, (after the surgeries and first chemo) I was totally fearless while in treatment. I was "fighting" as they say. But not really...was just showing up to stuff...surgeries, chemos, radiations...Herceptins....not gonna go off here on my thoughts about the language of bc...again...
And pretty much, right about the time "active treatment" ended, I started realizing that this magical Five Year Point, where bc is concerned, isn't as magical as it is for other types of cancer. And that's when I became a total freak at each and every single doctor's appointment, mammogram...any medical anything at all. And any little ache, pain, bump or bruise sent me reeling with such fear that the bc was back. Every little thing was a "symptom". Ok, I still get like that with stuff sometimes, but not quite as much.
While I'm ever SO grateful for every second, every moment, day and year that I'm here, feel good, and appear to be cancer free, I'm never really free of bc. I am getting much better at getting on with my life...not being preoccupied by bc every minute. But as the next round of oncology visits loom ever closer on the calendar, I feel the anxiety bubbling closer and closer to the surface.
Today I've just felt like I'm in a bit of a fog....overwhelmed with such big, big gratitude for so many people who helped me get here...O, friends, family, my totally top notch medical team - a fabulous surgeon - the awesome Dr V, day surgery nurses, chemo nurses, oncologists Dr W and Dr L...thankful for advances in medical technology and the development of medications...specifically
Dr Dennis Slamon and the development of Herceptin...
I've said so many times that, although it appears that I've "survived" bc, I don't believe we ever fully, 100% recover mentally and emotionally from having gone through it. So, while I am so so so much better in every way than I was, even a year ago....I'm just not ready to put on that party dress...at least not right this minute...
Today I am just so happy to have reached this "milestone". But, as in the four years past, we will reserve the "official" celebration for after we've made all the oncology doctor rounds in September and October, and we learn that NED is still our BFF. We still have a bit of time to decide exactly how we wanna celebrate. =)Yes..."five year survival" is huge...definitely cause for celebration. And we will. Just not today.
Today has been all about gratitude.
10 comments:
I've got 20 years on you and I still have those moments, but it will get easier. I can tell you that. One day I just noticed that every thing did not make me think about BC and it was a good feeling. I do have to say that although I LOVE your long hair on you those bangs make me literally shake my head when I look at them. LOL I am a little bit OCD about hair in my eyes so I am messing with my bangs or chopping them off. However I don't like them too short so there is that OCD thing too.
Ha ha! I love you Paula!!! That pic was at the end of May. And I just saw a new stylist & we decided to grow out the bangs & be done with them & not have bangs at all anymore. Might take about 6 months.
Yeah, I have noticed I don't flip out as much on every-single-little-thing anymore, but I do still have moments...just not as many. But doctor appointment are still high anxiety & mammos are full on high drama lol!!
You are awesome & totally inspire me.
And make me laugh.
And I luv ya!
xx
We will all celebrate hopefully when the tone is right. I love you my awesome daughter! Mom
First, congratulations on 5 years, that's wonderful. I'm with you on the whole confusion/worrying about the 5 year mark. I'm 4 years out and still worry that it will come back, although usually I can tuck that thought away in the back of my mind so that I can get on with life. Hang in there, know that I can relate. And I totally get the grateful thing too. Hugs.
Mom, we def will! Love you too!
Hi Claudia! Yeah, I don't think I've heard of any cancer person who doesn't deal with "the fear"' though I can tell that the farther out I get, it does become less & less. Thanks so much for reading & commenting! :)
Here's to NED coming through as your BFF and always. And congrats on the 5-year mark!
Hi Eileen!! Thanks so much! And may NED continue as your BFF as well! Thanks for commenting. Your blog is great!
I agree with you: we are never done with cancer. I'm 13 years out, and yet I get scared when pains and aches assail me. It's a normal experience. Hoping you remain cancer-free forever!
Hi Beth! Yeah, pretty sure this is the "new normal" where there will be all kinds of flippin out over every single itty bitty ache or pain. Even a pimple gives me cause for pause. Thanks so much for reading & commenting. I really like your blog.
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