All You Need Is...Love?

Love is all you need... ?

Photo Credit: American Cancer Society Facebook Page

Ok, here's the thing...and this is gonna be a rambling ranty ramble...

WTF does this ad even mean?! This thing has gotten quite stale as I tried to figure out, first...what the hell are y'all trying to say here? And second, can I even put into words my thoughts and confusion surrounding it? I mean, this has been in rewrites for weeks now. But just looking at this ad just works my damn nerves.

"If we had a dollar for every time LOVE triumphed over cancer..."

Love can triumph over cancer? Well then...shouldn't it be fucking cured by now? I'm pretty sure so many beautiful people who are sadly no longer with us had PLENTY of LOVE. It didn't triumph. I'm pretty sure I've had lots and lots of love, several surgeries plus excellent doctors and surgeons, hard core chemo, skin searing radiation, and the jury is still out on whether or not LOVE plus all that other stuff "triumphed over cancer". 

"LOVE cancer's greatest fear."
What? cancer doesn't fear. It's fucking cancer. 

"...finish the fight..."
Ugh. Just...yuck. 

I dunno...I guess my problem with this is, when you get right down to it...the tiresome battle language of the thing. And from an organization that should know SO much better by now. (I'm pretty sure it was a recent post from the 
Cancer Curmudgeon that reminded me that I wanted to bitch blog about this ad, but chemohead here forgot! LOL!) And I am just kinda tired of ranting ad nauseam on it. Cause it ain't going anywhere. 

Anyway, I totally understand what you're trying to say here. I just am annoyed at how it's being said.

And can we please, once and for all, for the love of *insert deity of choice here* change the language of cancer?

It's easy...

All Your Money Won't Another Minute Buy...

 A rambling musing here. And I dunno if my thoughts on this are popular or unpopular, and I guess I might lose a subscriber or three, but here we go.

We've all heard something along these lines:

"They (whoever 'they' are) HAVE the cure for (breast) cancer, but won't put it out there cause there's just too much money being made in the cancer business..."

Right?

Yeah. I'm guilty of saying that, too.  But that was the "bc" Luna. "Before cancer" Luna. For years before I entered cancerland, I, and very indignantly too, bought into that line of thinking. I even boldly said as much right to my oncologists face. And his response was certain, matter of fact, and immediate. Not even a pause. He's heard that for years. He doesn't believe it's true. He HOPES the cure is finally discovered. He won't mind practicing in another area of medicine. Or sticking around and happily prescribing "the cure" to any and all. 

Steve Jobs Photo Credit: ABC News

And if you really, really think about it, if there was a real cure, doesn't everyone have a price? How many famous, rich and super wealthy people have died from cancer? Not just talking about breast cancer, but just fuckin' cancer! Really, if it was curable, wouldn't Farrah Fawcett still be alive? Or Patrick Swayze? Elizabeth Edwards? Linda McCartney? 
Steve Jobs??!! All the money that guy had, all the fame, all that genius...could he not have secretly bought this cure for himself and still be with us today, cranking out the latest and greatest in technology? I bet he was one that could keep a secret. 

And wouldn't the cure for cancer be expensive enough, that "they" could continue to make their big, big money off of it? 

Or, another way to think about it....Whoever DOES bring the cure for cancer is gonna be one rich, rich, uber famous mofo person. A bonafide hero, really.  Who wouldn't want to go down in history as the person/company/entity that cured fucking cancer? 

Eh, just some rambling thoughts running around my head, as I'm reading things here, hearing things there. 

No. In my opinion, there is no secret cure that's being kept from us. Especially for breast cancer, at least. I think breast cancer is just so complex, so many different diseases, that we just aren't there yet. We're getting closer, that much is evident. But still no cure. 

Damnit!

Oh My My...

Oh hell yes! You got to put on that party dress....

Today, July 23, I have been "cancer free" for exactly 5 years. I use this date because this was the day the last surgery was done and had clear margins, thus removing all the cancer...I've had a very tough time getting this blog together...my thoughts and feelings are just all over the place today, so I'm just gonna ramble a bit...

I remember when I first started going through all this bc stuff, I thought, "gosh, if I make it to the five year mark, I'll finally be free of bc, be able to relax and finally get on with life!" Well...I know now that it just doesn't work that way.

For the first year, (after the surgeries and first chemo) I was totally fearless while in treatment.  I was "fighting" as they say.  But not really...was just showing up to stuff...surgeries, chemos, radiations...Herceptins....not gonna go off here on my thoughts about the language of bc...again...

And pretty much, right about the time "active treatment" ended, I started realizing that this magical Five Year Point, where bc is concerned, isn't as magical as it is for other types of cancer.  And that's when I became a total freak at each and every single doctor's appointment, mammogram...any medical anything at all.  And any little ache, pain, bump or bruise sent me reeling with such fear that the bc was back.  Every little thing was a "symptom".  Ok, I still get like that with stuff sometimes, but not quite as much. 

While I'm ever SO grateful for every second, every moment, day and year that I'm here, feel good, and appear to be cancer free, I'm never really free of bc.  I am getting much better at getting on with my life...not being preoccupied by bc every minute.  But as the next round of oncology visits loom ever closer on the calendar, I feel the anxiety bubbling closer and closer to the surface. 

Today I've just felt like I'm in a bit of a fog....overwhelmed with such big, big gratitude for so many people who helped me get here...O, friends, family, my totally top notch medical team - a fabulous surgeon -  the awesome Dr V, day surgery nurses, chemo nurses, oncologists Dr W and Dr L...thankful for advances in medical technology and the development of medications...specifically
Dr Dennis Slamon and the development of Herceptin...

I've said so many times that, although it appears that I've "survived" bc, I don't believe we ever fully, 100% recover mentally and emotionally from having gone through it. So, while I am so so so much better in every way than I was, even a year ago....I'm just not ready to put on that party dress...at least not right this minute...

Today I am just so happy to have reached this "milestone".  But, as in the four years past, we will reserve the "official" celebration for after we've made all the oncology doctor rounds in September and October, and we learn that NED is still our BFF.   We still have a bit of time to decide exactly how we wanna celebrate. =)

Yes..."five year survival" is huge...definitely cause for celebration.  And we will.  Just not today. 

Today has been all about gratitude.

The Kids Are Alright

"Awwww, they're just like a couple of kids!"

This was said about O and me recently, as we stood around laughing and talking with a business owner and her assistant at the end of an appointment. And we were all like "Yeah, well, ha ha haaaa..." all four of us laughing together...

I'm pretty sure it was meant in positive way...right?

Yeah, we're goofy

Even though we are in our 40's, I guess we really are still, SO young at heart. Even in spite of having gone through several life experiences that could have made us so much older than our years. 

But no...we really are just a couple of 40-something kids. 

And we're alright with that. =) 

Scar Tissue That I Wish You Saw

[Ok, here's a bit of a rambling, ranty musing...not much rhyme or reason here I don't think...]

Scars. Some scars you never see...and some emotional scars sometimes never heal. 

Oh sure, I could show you the big ol scar on what's left of my left boob, or the one under my arm from the removal of the lymph nodes...and sometimes you DO actually see the mediport scar.

But I guess what I wish people could understand is that once you've had this stupid ass cancer...you never fully recover from it...mentally or emotionally.  Now, I'm not saying I'm all cancer, all the time.  Definitely not (anymore). But I do still have my moments.  Like any time something hurts...or doesn't feel quite right. Although I talk less and less about it with others...it's always there...in the back of my mind.  And how could it not be? The rest of my life is now filled with constant reminders.  Like, the reduced range of motion I have in my left arm now, the loss of strength in that same arm, the mild lymphedema...or having to put on a prosthesis to wear certain kinds of things...having to wear a compression garment to exercise or do other physical kinds of things, or when traveling by air....you know, stuff like that.  

But after a certain point, most people expect that "You've won the battle & beat it" and "it's all over and done with now" so "let's get all back to normal now"...  But my normal is now a different kind of normal.  Even as I approach FIVE years out.  Which, seriously, means absolutely Jack-Shit in breastcancerland. Here's a FACT: 30% of people diagnosed with bc, regardless of the stage...yes even early stage, will develop distant metastasis.  And we don't know why. Maybe this is why my mind is now the way it is about all kinds of things.

My friend said something to me recently that got me to thinking.... Having had cancer (or going through a major or traumatic or life changing event) really does show you exactly who's who in your life. Who your friends are. Who your friends aren't. Who really cares/d about you. And who doesn't and/or never did. She is absolutely right. Realizing exactly who's who can be kind of scarring...

Also, when you learn of someone getting a mets diagnosis, or passing from it...scars.  Especially when that person had a similar diagnosis...or was diagnosed about the same time as you were. Very, very scarring.  

What's the worst unseen scar for me? The fact that our life is now divided into "BC" - Before Cancer and "AD" - After Diagnosis... 

Scars.

Now, just because this post is a bit of a downer, please don't think I'm  going through life all sad or angry all the time and stuff.  Quite the contrary.   And yes, I do have bigger and bigger chunks of my day and life that bc is not even a part of.  This is just a post that's been in draft for probably a year and a half and I just wanted to put it on out there is all. And I'm still not happy with it, but really gotta get some of these "drafts" either published or just deleted.  Ya know?  

  

I Am Ready, I Am Ready...

I Am Ready, I Am....















Ready for this stupid winter with it's freezing precipitation to go away.

Ready for answers.

Ready to win the lottery.

Ready to just let it go.

Ready for an early spring. (Don't care what the stupid Groundhog says.)

Ready to stop being terrified by every little ache or pain.

Ready to be a better person.

Ready for some people to stop acting like asshats and get over themselves.

Ready to Hope.

Ready for a new year.

Ready to stop and smell the roses.

Ready to walk away.

Ready for the weekend.

Ready to Dream.

Ready to tell it like it is.

Ready for a smaller house.

Ready to thrive.

Ready for some football.

Ready for True Blood to return.

Ready to get bumped to ANNUAL oncology visits. *wink wink Dr W*

Ready for change.

Ready to make that change.

Ready for less Pinkness.

Ready to pull back the curtain.

Ready to Believe.

Ready to enjoy everything.

Ready to take my Blog in a new direction.

Ready for a cure for ALL cancer.

*I Am Ready
 I Am Ready
 I Am Ready

I Am...
Fine.

[*Colorblind, Counting Crows]

If You're Happy & You Know It....

Photo Credit: Grumpy Cat

Hahahaaa! I just love this kitty! And memes with this grumpy little face are just sweepin the interwebs!  She even has her own website, Facebook & Twitter! Such a cute kitty! But she sure does look pissed off! LOL!  Anyway....this & some posts on Facebook & Twitter got me thinkin.  You see stuff all the time online about how you should be happy no matter what.  That it's totally up to you to feel happy... Things like "You have the power to create your own happiness!!"... "If you don't like something about your life, CHANGE IT!"..."True happiness is to enjoy the present"...."Why be mad or sad when we can be happy instead?"..."I am in charge of how I feel & today I choose to be happy"..."YOU make sure you have a good day!". You know....that stuff.  And I'm sure y'all all know that I have a good answer for each one of those quotes as to why I may NOT feel happy, even if that was my choice....my druthers, my desire for every day for the rest of my life.  Right?

I do get why people post this stuff.  They mean no harm at all.  They are usually super happy, smiley, ever cheerful people themselves, who are just lovin life SO much that they only want that for you as well.  Because they love you.  They love life.  They want you to love life right there with them.

But really it's not always possible to CHOOSE to be happy, is it?  I guess it is for some.  I'm sure somewhere, at some time there was SOMEONE who got a terrible, life threatening diagnosis & it totally didn't piss on their parade.  Right? I've yet to MEET that person.  Or maybe I have. I dunno.

O & I were talkin about this sort of stuff the other day, and we came to the conclusion that, the majority of people who appear to be all Happy Happy Joy Joy, like ALL the time, have never had to face their own mortality or be concerned about where they & their family will sleep that night, or any stuff equally as terrifying. OR, the exact opposite is true.  They are miserable, unhappy & just trying to find their way back to happy with these lovely affirmations.

I don't have issues anymore with seeing these quotes & stuff everywhere, really, so please don't think that's what this post is tryin to say...at all.  I'm just sayin...folks, try to keep in mind that for some, Happy may just have to be put on hold for a bit.  Could be a few hours, days, weeks....maybe even months or years.  Some will never be happy again.  I, thankfully, am not one of those people.  I have found my way back to happy.  For the most part.  I could be way happier, too.  But I can tell you this.  There was a good long stretch of time that seein that stuff posted in my news feeds had the exact opposite effect for me. 

Not sayin anybody should change anything about what they say or do, or post online, or feel or whatever.  Just another random musing....thoughts...

I'm not sayin, I'm just sayin.

Some Musings On This New Year's Eve

Well, another New Year's Eve....This year has gone by so fast.  And compared to the last 2 years, it's actually been pretty ok.  It did have it's moments...like with O's job issues & stuff....but for the most part, I'd say it was a pretty good year.  I'm like, any year that I'm still clear of cancer is a good year.  Any year I have hair on my head is a good year.

And I have made SEVERAL New Year's Resolutions.  One of which is to stop showing up at my Oncologist's office completely bat shit crazy freakin out.  So that's one of, like, 10 things I'll be doin differently in 2012. 

I look back on the year & I can see that I've made several new "online friends" this year.  And, even though I've never (& possibly will never) met them, I regard them as close as friends I have in the real world.  I think it's interesting when we "meet" people online & friendships form.  I think people are brought together for a reason.  And I'm so thankful for all my friends, both in the real world & in the cyber world too.  Y'all have all been a big part of helpin us through the bc ordeal. So thank you. SO much.

And to my family as well.  They are far away from where I live, so most of our interaction is online too.  (Thank you Mark Zuckerberg for your awesome creation) So, another Resolution: I am going to try my best to get over my unnatural fear of flying & get on an airplane home a LOT more often...I hope....depending on airline ticket prices of course.  Even though they are not close to me, their love & support is what I know got me to where I'm at today.  And it's what will keep me movin forward with a more positive outlook than I've had the last couple of years.  So thank y'all & I love y'all & hope to be seein y'all SOON.

And my hubs....not gonna do a bunch of mush & gush on here, but he knows totally how much I love & appreciate him.  And my family does too.  He had his fair share of crap to deal with this year, & I only hope I've helped him with things.

So anyway....goodbye 2011.  Was a pretty ok year I suppose.  2012 should be interesting. Bring it!