Magic Bus....

This is just a brief bit of random rambling that's been in my head for years......

So, sometimes, I think we have to choose what sort of things are worthy of argument. Ya know? And for me, those things change with time. What once was not worthy of a heated discussion, now may very well be worthy of that and more.

So....Had a bit of a cancer scare in October. Had my first ever 3D mammogram.  Which led to the ultrasound.  And then the needle biopsy.  It wasn't cancer.  

December 2017

It was like 2009 all over again.  Sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.  All the memories of surgeries, chemo, baldness....and the way people attempted to comfort me.  One way in particular that really pissed me off and still does to this day is when someone tells you something along the lines of "You really should just try not to worry and stop wasting so much time and energy with being so upset. I mean, we're all going to die, eventually...one way or another...of something. You could get hit by a bus tomorrow..." And I just sit and smile.... 



Well, I did in 2009 - 2010, but pretty sure Imma have a whole bunch to say back if this kind of shit gets said to me ever again when I am being stressy about bc. 

Yes, the Magic Bus. The one you won't see and just step right out in front of.  Or the one that jumps up on your sidewalk.  

Yes, we all will die of something.  But having had breast cancer, you are kind of put on notice that the chance of it being sooner rather than later just increased. 

Just been on my mind again after the cancer scare. 

So I guess I'm just trying to say that, this kind of "advice" really doesn't do anything but trivialize my feelings and stressyness...and in my eyes, kinda makes you look like an asshole. 

Just sayin'.....

Too much, magic bus.  

Rising Up To The Challenge Of.....

....My friend Nancy at Nancy's Point! Over the last 2 summers, Nancy has posted Blogging Challenges. This year's challenge is different than the last 2.... 

So, here are my answers to Ten Random cancer Related Questions:

1. Share anything you want about your cancer diagnosis (or your loved one’s). Share your age, cancer type, stage, when you were diagnosed, family history (if any), your reaction, how you learned the news, or whatever you’re comfortable sharing. 

So, I was 40. Freshly 40 at the time of my diagnosis, although I had been aware of the lump in my breast for a couple of weeks. I was diagnosed with ER negative, PR weakly positive (9%) HER2 positive breast cancer, stage 3A with lymph node involvement with 4 of 15 testing positive. I am the only one in my family (at that time) to have had any kind of cancer at all. I was home alone when I got the phone call from my ob/gyn and, just like you see in the movies, all I could hear was the rising sound of a high pitch and white noise...I don't know how I managed to write down the phone numbers of several surgeons who were recommended. And I had an appointment with my surgeon for the very next day at 9am. 

2. What is the most outrageous thing someone has said to you about your (or your loved one’s) cancer?

This is kinda hard to recall....so many things were said. But it might be the one where someone asked me, after the first lumpectomy did not have clear margins, if the second lumpectomy was unsuccessful, did I think I'd go ahead and get "that free boob job/tummy tuck" after the mastectomy...Yeah.  I was and am thankful the second attempt did have clear margins, and am happy with my decision to go lumpectomy rather than straight to mastectomy.

3. What is your biggest cancer pet peeve? I know it’s hard to choose, as there are many to pick from, right? But what irks you the most?

If you know me at all or have read my blog or interacted with me on social media, even a little bit, you probably know what my answer to this one is. The battle/war metaphor terms in the language of cancer. In particular, when it is said/written that someone has "lost his/her battle with cancer". JUST STOP IT!

4. What is something you want others to know specifically about breast cancer?

I think many of us bloggers agree on this one. There are so many things, but a couple in particular are that yes, people still die from breast cancer. Every. Damn. Day. Far too many. No matter how many pink parties you attend, or how many pink ribbon flanked pieces of merchandise you buy, no matter how much money you've donated to a Komen event. Just sayin...

5. If applicable, do you worry about recurrence rarely, from time to time or a lot? What is your biggest worry today, right now, this minute?

I do worry about recurrence & metastasis. Not as much as I used to, but for sure, any little ache, pain or anything can set of alarms for me. Currently, my biggest worry has to do with the state of healthcare in our country and the political climate. Scary, scary times these be. 

6. Do you feel cancer has made you a better person? Yes, I know this a loaded question. If you do, specifically in what way?

No. No I do not. I'd like to think I was already a pretty decent sort prior to my diagnosis. If anything, cancer has just amplified the good as well as the bad of me. 
7. What is your favorite cancer book? (No, I’m not fishing for mentions of mine!)

The C-Word.  I knew Lisa online only, as hers was one of the first blogs I read after I learned about my breast cancer. We chatted from time to time on Twitter. She offered encouragement and we shared some stories. And I know I'm just one of thousands she probably did this with. And I miss her.  Nuff said.

 8. Besides your family, where do you turn for emotional support?

My online blogger friends, naturally. And several wonderful ladies I met a breast cancer discussion forum in 2009, immediately after my diagnosis. Although it's very likely that I'll never meet these wonderful women in person, I do regard them as some of my nearest and dearest friends. And of course my bestie. You know who you are ;) 


9. How many cancer blogs do you read and why do you read them?

Well, I "follow" too many to count. I don't actively read as many with regularity as I once did. Time seems to be getting in short supply for the luxury of just chilling and reading. (And blog writing.) The "Blogs I Like" tab here on the blog is ever growing. 
10. Do you call yourself an advocate? If so, what drives you?

Eh, not really. I do speak out, contact my representatives, encourage others to do the same, but for sure not as actively as I'd like to, like many of my blogger friends have been and continue. Thanks y'all for advocating for us all. 

So that's my answers to Nancy's Random cancer Questions in this year's Blogging Challenge. 

Yesterday. Cause, can there really ever be enough photos
on the interwebs of  me next to a giant cock rooster?

And Everything Is All Right ....

April 2017

Soooooooo, gonna try to share some fresh, rambly words. Dunno how interesting they will be but my draft file has like 55 unfinished, re-working & rambling thoughts in it. Bout ready to just shit can the lot.

Any-ol-way.....I had my annual visit with my most awesome oncologist, Dr W last month. (Are y'all shocked that I stayed silent online about that? Yeah, me too.) I was a bit surprised that I actually got to see HIM, rather than his partner, since he called me in February to tell me personally, that he was leaving the practice, and that he will be working with IBM and this Watson Technology in Oncology and cancer Research. (Told ya my oncologist is the bomb!) So I was super thrilled to get the call a week prior to my appointment with the other partner oncologist, inviting me to see my Dr W!!!

And the visit was pretty typical...congrats on his new upcoming position, catch up chitty chat, an exam, declared that I'm still NED....and then he said a few things that kind of caught me off guard. First was an answer to O's question....could the radioactive iodine I had to take in 1997 for my Graves Disease have possibly caused my breast cancer..... And Dr W was like, well, I suppose it might have....it's definitely possible, but the radioactive iodine is mostly taken up into the thyroid, so can't really say yes or no. But maybe. 

Ok, it had never even occurred to me that this may have played a role. And no, I'm not getting caught up in the whole "was it something I did/didn't do" blame game thing...not at all.

But then Dr W said something that has made me kind of uncomfortable and it's just been on my mind ever since. He said, basically, given that I'm nearing the 8 year mark, and all the surgeries and treatments I had, plus Herceptin for the full year, and the nature of the type of breast cancer I had, (ER neg / PR weakly 9% pos / HER2 pos) he feels I can pretty much rest assured that I'm "done with this". And that, unless I become symptomatic or feel the need, and as long as I keep doing my mammograms and annual physicals with good blood work results, it is entirely up to me if I wish to continue seeing an oncologist at all. Be it him or anyone else. 

O looks at me and is all like "Doesn't that make you feel better?" 

Dr W is very, very good and highly regarded in oncology. So I chime in with the typical, "Yeah, but you do still hear of metastasis happening even after 20 or more years of cancer freeness...I mean, I pretty much learn of it happening to someone almost every day! So, I can feel reasonably good, but it would be irresponsible for any doctor to tell a breast cancer patient they are 100% D.O.N.E. Right?" 

Dr W agreed, that no, nothing is ever 100%, but he's pretty damn confident. 

Even though he is leaving practicing daily, he is apparently still going to be around several times a month. I decided to go ahead and make another appointment for next year, and then if I don't feel the need for it, I'll just cancel it. But I did get a warm fuzzy when he told the schedule chick to put me down for next year, on the Friday with HIM! I know...I am a weirdo about my doctors...every single one of them. Well, except Dr C....

Anyway, yes we did go celebrate with the annual, much over priced Grey Goose Martini with bleu cheese olives. But does Dr W's confidence totally chase away "the fear" I still deal with?

Nope.

Not. One. Bit.

(Maybe a little.)

Does Anybody Know How The Story Really Goes...

March 2017

So, thanks to several of my blogger friends, I came across this raw, honest and powerful post... Reminded me a bit of what I was thinking when I posted the following blog post in November 2014. And since I still can't seem to bring myself to write fresh words, just another re-share...I hope to write something soon, and it will probably have nothing to do with cancer. 

I think I think so...  


I'm Super! Thanks For Asking!

How many times, when you ask someone how they're doing, do you really want to know how they are doing? Do you ask cause you really want to know, or is it just part of your greeting? And when people say they're doing fine/great/super, do you think they really are doing fine/great/super, or is their reply just an automatic response to a greeting?  

I used to do breast cancer so much differently.  In 2009, once I was able to stop crying and pull my shit together after getting the diagnosis, I had made up my mind that I was "tougher and WAY cooler than any stupid infiltrating ductal carcinoma", stage 3a.  And I put on my pink stuff and told any and everybody who would listen that I "HAD bc.  Past tense".  And that I have "already beaten it, cause my scans are clear!"

Oh how naive.  How naive and how unprepared I was.  

And for a couple of years, when someone would see me out and about, they would ask "How are you doing? How are you feeling?"  And regardless of how I was actually doing or feeling at the time, I would chirp "I'm GREAT! I'm kickin cancer's ass!" *Hug* "Thanks for asking! How are YOU?" And then sometimes the convo would go on about what was going on treatment wise, which I would riddle with jokes and sarcastic comments, sort of giving the finger to bc.  I tried to be as humorous as possible and appear to be the most courageous, bad ass, cancer ass kicker anyone had ever seen.  

*Insert eyeball roll here*

At least half of the time back then, if I had answered truthfully, I would have said that I was really terrified of the surgeries pending.  Or that I was totally upset that I'm bald.  And it wasn't until active treatment ended that it occurred to me that, bc people are never, ever really out of the woods. And I spent a good 2 years in a state of complete panic over the possibility of recurrence, or mets.  So during that time, if I had been honest, I would have expressed those thoughts, rather than "I'm great! *Insert # of years* cancer free (?!) and still kickin!"

*Insert eyeball roll here*

Why did I do this?

Because I didn't (still don't) think some people want to hear the horror story that is the new normal for a bc person.  And I'm pretty sure that if I had been 100% honest with everyone, all the time, some people would probably stop asking about how I am. Maybe even go the other way when they see me coming... 

I think it's because it makes people sad, or fearful when they hear someone with bc not doing the whole Pink *Rah Rah, I'm a Warrior! I Fight Like A Girl! I kick cancer's ass!*  stuff and then they just think that you're not doing it right.  You're supposed to be wearing a pink tutu and boa and shouting "C'mon cancer! Bring it on! I got this!"  

Whatever.  I can't do that shit anymore.  Haven't been able to in awhile.  

And here's another reason why...Honestly, some people don't know me well enough for me to have even wanted to be all full disclosure with them. But I no longer "chirp" the pink party line.  Just can't do it. 

So if I do say "I'm SUPER! Thanks for asking!", I actually mean it. 

"Don't you think I look cute in this hat?"

Enjoy The Silence

February 2017

Yeah....I'm inspired by my friend the Cancer Curmudgeon. Since I'm apparently unable to write fresh blogs at the mo, may as well just re-post some old ones. So here's one from the end of February of 2015...when I was unable to write. 

Maybe I'll get back into it someday. But for now, I just can't even....

Funny How I Find Myself....

Blogging less and less....I know....I keep saying on Facebook that new, fresh blogs are coming, and then....nuthin.  

I've asked myself, how much do you...
Commit yourself?

Gonna ramble here a bit....

Maybe it's because there are so many, many great writers out there in the blogosphere (REAL writers with talent...you know, those who have actually published stuff and had features in HuffPo and stuff...) who just pretty much are reading my mind.  So I just share those posts.  I plan to add my own thoughts, but then stuff happens in the Real World, and then a topic becomes stale, and then it just never comes out. Like a post I did that will probably never see the light of day about that asshat doctor who thinks "cancer is the best way to die". Sure, I did a very ranty, profanity laden, tongue in cheek post, but by the time I got it finished....yeah....just kinda too past due. (And when O read it, he warned me to brace myself for suggestions of getting some anger management, if I do post it..lol...)

And once you've taken a big, fat blogging break, it's so hard to get back into it. Well, for me, anyway. 

I'd tell myself, what good do you do...
Convince myself.....

Another reason?  Although this blog is not only about my experience with breast cancer, it is mostly about my experience with breast cancer.  And these days, thankfully...SO thankfully...there's just not much to report. Except if I want to write about the residual anxiety and PTSD. Again. And again... Ahhh, such is life, post treatment, now that I only see the oncologist annually. Nothing much to report, but a whole shit load of anxiety from time to time. But mostly was about my total meltdown over having to lose my hair, thus the one post that does seem to help people, the Hair Regrowth Timeline. 

What not in the mood looks like

Here's the thing... I just have to be in the mood to get down to writing. And for several reasons, none of them cancer related, I just plain ol haven't been in the mood.  As a result, I'm learning that when it comes to writing, it's a use it or lose it type of thing.  Not that I've ever fancied myself an actual writer, one with any real talent. This blog simply started off as a CarePage to keep my family and friends apprised of my treatment and how things were going in cancerland, without having to write tons of emails and make tons of calls. 

It's My Life...

I've been told that my blog used to be much more humorous...that readers used to laugh more when reading posts from years ago.  Like when I would post about how difficult it is for O and I to grab a bite to eat sometimes...we call it "food fail", or "the Of Course factor". Have I lost my sense of humor? I hope not.  Maybe I used to be more open about things going on in our life.  And maybe there's just not a whole lot of happenings of interest to readers of the blog lately. I'm not a celebrity or anything. Who really gives a fuck that this or that happened while I was out and about doing this or that...Eh, maybe I'm running out of fucks to give about stuff, thus, less ranting about non cancer things.  

Maybe it's because I don't want to worry people that I know read my words. And then call me up, all kinds of concerned. And give all kinds of advice on how I'm dealing with this or that. (Another post for another time.) And then maybe it's because some people are super weary of my non brave, less than happy, anti pink attitude about having had this bc fucker. Like those who say "No doubt it will come back, as much as you worry and keep it on your mind! You are DONE girl! Get Happy!!" Yes, this, and worse, has been said straight to my face. Or maybe I just don't want to hear it from those who think just being positive is going to keep cancer away or from coming back... 

Funny how I blind myself....

I really did try to be that "pink, ass kicking bc warrior" type in the very beginning. It was the only thing I knew about breast cancer then. Oh yes, I flanked myself in that ribbon...the one that is the shade of Pepto Bismol. But then the light bulb came on when a dear friend, years out from a teeny, tiny, stage 1 breast cancer, double mastectomy, clear margins for miles, and aggressive chemo, turned up with metastasis to the lung. Fuck the pink rah-rah. (My friend is NED - "No Evidence of Disease" for years now, I'm super happy to say. Oh, and she's one of the most positive and caring people I've ever met.) I am not criticizing anyone who likes the pink, or the warrior language...I'm really not. I don't tell people how to "do" their cancer and don't like people telling me how I should handle mine. Whatever works for you, do that. All that pink and fighter/warrior stuff just isn't for me at this point of things. (Again, another post, or maybe a re-post, for another time.)

Of course I am so thankful for every day that I continue to be NED. I think lately I have been hesitant to do posts about non breast cancer stuff, or the fun stuff, or my gratitude for still being here almost six years later, when so many are still dying of breast cancer, and yet, there STILL is not nearly enough being done about it.  I dunno...  

And maybe writing just isn't working so much for me anymore lately. Or maybe it's just the time of year, when I tend to stay inside, out of the cold as much as possible, and cook comfort food and eat too much. Who wants to hear about that boring shit? LOL!

But, hopefully, with this post, and some very interesting times on the horizon, the LunaTech just might be back at it.