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Thursday, March 2, 2017

Enjoy The Silence

February 2017





Yeah....I'm inspired by my friend the Cancer Curmudgeon. Since I'm apparently unable to write fresh blogs at the mo, may as well just re-post some old ones. So here's one from the end of February of 2015...when I was unable to write. 

Maybe I'll get back into it someday. But for now, I just can't even....

Funny How I Find Myself....

Blogging less and less....I know....I keep saying on Facebook that new, fresh blogs are coming, and then....nuthin.  

I've asked myself, how much do you...
Commit yourself?

Gonna ramble here a bit....

Maybe it's because there are so many, many great writers out there in the blogosphere (REAL writers with talent...you know, those who have actually published stuff and had features in HuffPo and stuff...) who just pretty much are reading my mind.  So I just share those posts.  I plan to add my own thoughts, but then stuff happens in the Real World, and then a topic becomes stale, and then it just never comes out. Like a post I did that will probably never see the light of day about that asshat doctor who thinks "cancer is the best way to die". Sure, I did a very ranty, profanity laden, tongue in cheek post, but by the time I got it finished....yeah....just kinda too past due. (And when O read it, he warned me to brace myself for suggestions of getting some anger management, if I do post it..lol...)

And once you've taken a big, fat blogging break, it's so hard to get back into it. Well, for me, anyway. 

I'd tell myself, what good do you do...
Convince myself.....

Another reason?  Although this blog is not only about my experience with breast cancer, it is mostly about my experience with breast cancer.  And these days, thankfully...SO thankfully...there's just not much to report. Except if I want to write about the residual anxiety and PTSD. Again. And again... Ahhh, such is life, post treatment, now that I only see the oncologist annually. Nothing much to report, but a whole shit load of anxiety from time to time. But mostly was about my total meltdown over having to lose my hair, thus the one post that does seem to help people, the Hair Regrowth Timeline. 
What not in the mood looks like

Here's the thing... I just have to be in the mood to get down to writing. And for several reasons, none of them cancer related, I just plain ol haven't been in the mood.  As a result, I'm learning that when it comes to writing, it's a use it or lose it type of thing.  Not that I've ever fancied myself an actual writer, one with any real talent. This blog simply started off as a CarePage to keep my family and friends apprised of my treatment and how things were going in cancerland, without having to write tons of emails and make tons of calls. 

It's My Life...

I've been told that my blog used to be much more humorous...that readers used to laugh more when reading posts from years ago.  Like when I would post about how difficult it is for O and I to grab a bite to eat sometimes...we call it "food fail", or "the Of Course factor". Have I lost my sense of humor? I hope not.  Maybe I used to be more open about things going on in our life.  And maybe there's just not a whole lot of happenings of interest to readers of the blog lately. I'm not a celebrity or anything. Who really gives a fuck that this or that happened while I was out and about doing this or that...Eh, maybe I'm running out of fucks to give about stuff, thus, less ranting about non cancer things.  

Maybe it's because I don't want to worry people that I know read my words. And then call me up, all kinds of concerned. And give all kinds of advice on how I'm dealing with this or that. (Another post for another time.) And then maybe it's because some people are super weary of my non brave, less than happy, anti pink attitude about having had this bc fucker. Like those who say "No doubt it will come back, as much as you worry and keep it on your mind! You are DONE girl! Get Happy!!" Yes, this, and worse, has been said straight to my face. Or maybe I just don't want to hear it from those who think just being positive is going to keep cancer away or from coming back... 

Funny how I blind myself....

I really did try to be that "pink, ass kicking bc warrior" type in the very beginning. It was the only thing I knew about breast cancer then. Oh yes, I flanked myself in that ribbon...the one that is the shade of Pepto Bismol. But then the light bulb came on when a dear friend, years out from a teeny, tiny, stage 1 breast cancer, double mastectomy, clear margins for miles, and aggressive chemo, turned up with metastasis to the lung. Fuck the pink rah-rah. (My friend is NED - "No Evidence of Disease" for years now, I'm super happy to say. Oh, and she's one of the most positive and caring people I've ever met.) I am not criticizing anyone who likes the pink, or the warrior language...I'm really not. I don't tell people how to "do" their cancer and don't like people telling me how I should handle mine. Whatever works for you, do that. All that pink and fighter/warrior stuff just isn't for me at this point of things. (Again, another post, or maybe a re-post, for another time.)

Of course I am so thankful for every day that I continue to be NED. I think lately I have been hesitant to do posts about non breast cancer stuff, or the fun stuff, or my gratitude for still being here almost six years later, when so many are still dying of breast cancer, and yet, there STILL is not nearly enough being done about it.  I dunno...  

And maybe writing just isn't working so much for me anymore lately. Or maybe it's just the time of year, when I tend to stay inside, out of the cold as much as possible, and cook comfort food and eat too much. Who wants to hear about that boring shit? LOL!

But, hopefully, with this post, and some very interesting times on the horizon, the LunaTech just might be back at it. 

13 comments:

Sandra Davis said...

I really love your blogs..and you my Kimberly.
Love, Mom

LunaTechChick said...

Thanks Mom! Love you too! xx

Eileen@womaninthehat said...

Always nice to hear from you, Kimberly. xo

Rebecca said...

You keep on writing! I sometimes feel like I am talking to a wall, and it is discouraging that the people who should be reading our posts, aren't interested in capturing true awareness. Still, I feel the more people who share their truths, even when the experiences are very similar, the more impact this can cause. It may not happen as quickly as we wish, but at least one patient could benefit from it, by knowing they are not alone. And of course, there will always be those silly expectations, because it's more about them than it is about us. I believe this is a human flaw, the need to always seek "positivism" and ignore anything that's uncomfortable to them (a reason why there's no progress in many different areas of our society, not just with cancer). I enjoy reading your posts and I look forward to reading more, when you're ready. I think you're great at writing, one reason being, you keep it real! It's what we need. xoxo

Anonymous said...

Hi Kimberly,

It's Evelyn, from Madrid, here again to say hi!:-)

You know, I check from time all the blogs I discovered when I was diagnosed, soon it will be 3 years from then...And it really makes my day to see that the people I know from reading them are doing fine!

It is clear that we more or less return to our previous lives and to leave the cancerworld as much "behind" as possible, but still, there always is this need for reassurance that "everything will be ok-touch wood", and seeing that other people are doing fine really helps...I bet you know what I mean, and I think we all feel it like this.

So, even if you have nothing new to say, I am happy to read you!:-)

Hugs from Madrid

Evelyn

P.S. Your hair is lovely:-) Mine is still curly in the end half...is yours straight 100%, or wavy/curly at the ends?

LunaTechChick said...

Hey Evelyn from Madrid! =)
Always so nice to hear from you. I agree, I too love keeping up with my online/blogger friends. I do know what you mean...My hair is pretty much the same as before...mostly straight. Just thinner now for some reason...about 9 months ago I went through a major shedding & my hair went from what I thought was awesome to super thin & not so awesome, but thanks so much for the compliment & thanks for reading & hanging in with me during my long blogging breaks.
xx

LunaTechChick said...

Hey there Rebecca....Yeah, why do we mostly just seek out positiveness? Honestly, I've just been in a funk since the election & just can't really seem to care to come up with new words, but I'm trying....My draft folder is overwhelming & I really should clean it out. So thankful to call you friend & that you are still here with me. I do keep it real, & thanks for the lovely compliment of my writing....my confidence in it isn't so much lately...the number of hits I get here are so underwhelming...Anyway....I do love that you're still with me here. Hope to get back in the swing of things soon....
xx

LunaTechChick said...

And always love hearing from you, too Eileen! xx

Anonymous said...

Hi,

Me Evelyn from Madrid again;-)

Your hair does not look thin at all on the photos in your recent posts, just the contrary!

I discovered several months ago the henna (mixed with a couple of other herbs to reduce the red color), I had never tried it before, but now I've become a great fan! It gives a nice brownish-reddish shade, and, (surprisingly), extrta thickness and volume for some days after applying. I like it a lot, in fact, I will continue with it instead of returning to dying with normal tints. I was going to Aveda place before, but definitely like the henna better (besides, it does good to hair in all aspects: color, texture, shine...

ciao, bella!

Evelyn

Anonymous said...

And again me....just forgot to say that I not only like your hair;-), I like your writing style too. Your way to describe things, sensations, moods and situations makes me connect with you and feel in your "wave", you sound straight and real, understanding but not trying to please, what you say is interesting to me, and this is the main point of writing in general, I think..

Evelyn

LunaTechChick said...

Hi again Evelyn! Thank you so much for all those lovely compliments! You are too kind! Also thanks for the tip on hair color. I too have always done AVEDA color & products. I will look into this henna. I will try to get back into writing. Sounds like you just "get" me. Thanks again for chatting with me. Always love to hear from readers & feedback & advice is always welcome. =)
xx

Stephanie Dahl said...

I enjoyed reading This! I am still doing chemo, 29 yrs old, and definitely NOT a pink warrior princess. I just toll with all this bullshit, and don't write or even talk that much about it. It's already so consuming.. bleak. No thanks. But like you said, that's just ME. I think it's inspiring when I see pink warriors, but the truth is.. we are all warriors. Because we've been through the hardest shit. I also like the misfits.

LunaTechChick said...

Hey Stephanie,

Yay Misfits fans!!! I knew fans would "get it".

I started writing about this, originally as a CarePage to keep family & friends updated on my stuff, & also to lament about my hair falling out.

Eff all that pink crap! Having bc is so hard & I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. Hang in there.

Wishing you all the best,
xx