Can The Child Within My Heart Rise Above....

So how bout this? As y'all know, I've been tryin to determine if I have completed menopause.  I know 43 is kinda young for that, but chemo & Tamoxifen can make it happen, & the docs have all suspected I was going through it over the last couple of years.  Anyway, so they've been running blood work, watching the FSH numbers, which determine if you have or have not gone through the menopause.  Ok?  So, last year my numbers showed that I was post-menopause, but were in a range that left open the possibility of things reversing, or the ovaries waking up & all systems kicking back in.  It's what I was hoping for.  Really.  Kinda don't wanna be totally all through menopause by 44, ya know?  (Turning 44 in June.)

So I had my annual visit with the OB Dr D.  He ran the test.  Said he'd call me the next day with the results. And he did.  First thing in the mornin too.  I'm all sleepy & stuff when the phone rang.  Went somethin like:

Dr D:  I have the FSH Lab results back.
Me: Great...so......
Dr D:  Well, anything over a 23 is post menopausal. 
Me: 'kay...
Dr D: Most of my post menopause ladies' numbers run somewhere in the 70s.
Me: M'kay....& my numbers?
Dr D: Well, it's the highest FSH I've ever seen....128.
Me: Whuuuuuuuuut????????

Ok, now, I was sleepy at the time, & he could have said highest he's ever seen in my age range, but I'm pretty sure he said it was the highest number he's ever seen, although, after some research, it's not uncommon for post menopause numbers to be in the 100s. Ok fine.

Yeah.  So not only am I post menopausal, I'm waaaaaaaaaaay post menopausal. I guess.  Great.  And thanks to bc, I can't take hormone replacement therapy to feel "like myself" again.

* "Well, I've been afraid of changing, cause I've built my life around you..."

So, I guess my internal body is now similar to that of an old lady? I don't know. I really don't understand the significance of the FSH number.  Meanwhile, in my mind I'm still in my 20s...& married to a very young 40 something.  This can present a whole bunch of new hurdles....like we haven't jumped enough already. But really, I'm pretty sure O didn't sign up for an eternity of hanging out with a very immature young at heart, little old lady this early in his life. Ya know?

Same for others in my life...family, friends, people we work with....Not really gonna get specific here about the hurdles, just know that although I'm SO grateful for my (so far) survivorship, there are scary things about it too.

Apparently, since my hair is basically back to normal, I'm told I look pretty much the same as before the bc bs.  Which is good.  I think most can tell that aging scares the shit outta me...& I really fight the outward appearance of aging, tooth & fucking nail.  Vanity?  Maybe. (And no, I have not had any cosmetic procedures at all.)  Or maybe it's just that I wanna try to stay as young as I feel am in my mind. 

* "Time makes you bolder, children get older. I'm getting older, too."

So, so so so many things change as we get older...So many things I used to think & believe, I think & believe differently now.  Experience? Cancer survival? Aging? All of the above? Yes, yes, yes & yes.  I think.  And apparently having concrete proof that I've officially completed "the change" has def given me cause for pause. 
Men-o-pause.  Yay.  This could also explain the thinning skin (& more than just physical skin) & gray hair issues...& other stuff.

Anyway...very much thoughtful these days.  Especially after getting those test results.  

* "Can I sail through the changing ocean tides...Can I handle the seasons of my life?

I don't know, I don't know."

[*Landslide, Stevie Nicks]