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Saturday, January 16, 2016

I Fake It So Real I Am Beyond Fake...

I'm still doing it. I come off like everything's fine, all the time. Great. Awesome.  "Super! Thanks for asking!"

When you look at my Facebook, it looks like I'm living a fun and fabulous life. And I am. Mostly. But why is it that I don't document the not so lovely times?

September 2009
There are very, VERY few photos of me bald. I wouldn't allow it. And being in the video/television biz, most people would have expected a documentary type of thing from us. But no. I thought that would absolutely jinx me. 

So far, 2016 has gotten off to a rough start. Way too many deaths of wonderful people from bc, and celebrities too. Most from cancer. Our life is incredibly different than it was just one year ago. Our address has changed twice, after living at the same address for 12 years. Our client list has shrunk. A lot. Thanks technology. And therefore, so has our income. But it's ok. I am with O, I have a very close friend that I've been besties with for bout 20 years, I remain NED, as far as anyone can tell. So life's good. 

But, at the same time, I'm so pissed off at what the future looks like, if I'm even lucky enough to live through it. It's gonna be hard. Not gonna lie. 

Back to the Facebook thing.... I do love me some Facebook. But, it really is your "best face forward" isn't it? I tend to use it as a digital scrapbook. So I guess it makes sense that there wouldn't be any documenting of the bad, ugly stuff. Right? Like the video O took of me fresh out of my first surgery. The one where I look gawd awful, oxygen thingy in my nose, giving O the finger for recording me. Or any pics of me bald. Or crying, which I did a LOT of in 2009. And still do today. 

I live in eternal fear of recurrence of breast cancer, or metastasis. I haven't made the smartest choices with career and finances. Kinda feel bad for us children of the 80's, who grew up with "Sex, Drugs, and Rock & Roll" as our goals. However, most of my friends dummied up. I didn't. I ran off and joined the damn circus, so to speak. So, there is a career change coming, more than likely. And going back to school. Better late than never, right?

Please don't misunderstand...O is one hell of an awesome producer/editor/photographer. And caregiver. And provider. And partner. And my best friend. I am more than spoiled. But we do have our moments. But who doesn't?

September 2015
During our brief time living in Savannah last year, we both actually contemplated the thought that perhaps we should just divorce. Because we love each other so much. I wanted to be home, near my mother, near the ocean. But he was miserable. Homesick. And apparently over qualified for the industry in that market. So, we talked about maybe he should just come back to Texas and I should stay in Georgia. But, if you came around us, or looked at our Facebook pages, you'd never even know such a thing was happening to our lives. Being in a situation to have to choose between the love of your life and your mother, and access to the ocean is just indescribable. I can't even put it in to words. But I feel we made the correct choice. I have always believed that we are always, precisely where we are supposed to be at every moment. 

People ask how are you doing? How are you feeling? And, regardless of how I am actually doing/feeling, I'll say "Great! How bout you?" And I have finally realized that it's because I don't want to cause anyone to feel bad. Definitely don't want pity. And come to think of it, I think most people are the same way. It's rare that I've ever asked how someone is, and then hear lots of terrible things. Oh sure, we all know that one person. You know, the one who couldn't say a positive thing if their life depended on it. Well, I don't wanna be that person.
December 2015

So, I fake it. A lot. Our move to Georgia and back has cost us a lot. Nearly everything. We're basically starting over. But it's ok. I'm actually proud of us for going for it. For reaching for that brass ring. Living life to the fullest. Dream chasing. Fake or no, I have and will continue to live life to the fullest that I can. 

I'm still gonna find something to smile about. Live my life to the fullest. Or just fake it till we make it. 

I want to be the girl with the most cake. 


Paula said...

I know all about it. I don't post the bad crap on Facebook but then I was so many years away from my initial diagnosis before FB even started so it wasn't possible to talk about all my feelings. I know I felt absolutely crazy at times and then other times I was loving life, just hoping I got to live it a little longer. Dean did not have a clue. And no there aren't any pictures of my bald head, a few of my wig and a couple with really short hair. It's like that was a time that I didn't want documented because then maybe it didn't happen. I think I have gotten over the fear of it coming back. I don't think it will after 26 years but who knows what is lurking. I have had so many other big things happen lately that I don't even take time to consider what I would to and how I would feel. I am 65 now so I guess I figure I could go now. My kids are grown and doing okay but then there is Jason to consider. He can't lose his mamma right now so maybe I'll have to hang on. Maybe someone up there is looking at this mess and figuring I better stay awhile longer. I know things have been crazy for you but hang on, it will get better at some point. I thought I had made a huge mess of things for a while there and it all went away and here I am a settled old lady who could tell some horror stories. :)

LunaTechChick said...

I love you Paula. That is all. xx

Eileen Rosenbloom said...

You sure had a whirlwind of a year. I'm certain you made a good choice. xo

LunaTechChick said...

It really was! Guess time will tell if we made the right choice. But I feel like we did & your comment boosts my confidence. xx

Rebecca said...

I think it is great that you guys tried making changes. I am a little scared to make them because of my health situation. Everyone tells me, I am OK and should move forward with plans, but making plans is a little challenging for me. At least you guys gave it a try.

I have to admit, I am getting a little sick of facebook. I spend a lot of hours watching animal videos and enjoy sharing them and commenting on them. I don't share much of my personal life either. I like to have some level of privacy -- not when it comes to cancer though. I think most people pretend to have very happy lives on facebook. And maybe there are people who are very happy.

I agree most people don't really say the truth about how they feel when been asked the question. I do that a lot too because I want to avoid creating drama for myself or repeating the same story. Plus I sometimes feel people have their own mess to deal with and don't want to hear what I have to say anyway. And sometimes it feels nice to take a break from complaining. I feel safer in our online community though.

Good luck with all your new plans!

LunaTechChick said...

Hi Rebecca! Yeah, we gave it a try. We had been pining for a life in Savannah for years. Be careful what you wish for. Just sayin'. Thanks for sharing your thoughts here. xx

Nancy's Point said...

I had no idea you were going through all that! My goodness. I knew you had made the move and all, but I didn't realize all that other stuff was going on. Like Eileen said, I think you made a good decision too. I commend you guys for making the big decision to move. And then making the equally big decision to move back. Life gets plenty crazy, doesn't it? And complicated. And I don't share much on my FB personal page either other than a few pics now and then, of mostly, our animals. Privacy is almost a sacred thing these days. Maybe this is one reason why we don't say how we are really doing when people ask us how we are. Thanks for the post. Hoping 2016 treats you and O fantastically. Here's to lots of cake!

LunaTechChick said...

Hi Nancy! See? I'm such a great faker! LOL! Yeah, I really do use FB as a digital scrapbook, time capsule kind of thing. Easy way to keep up with memories. The ones we WANT to remember. Thanks so much for your kind words. Cake to all! xx

Cancer Curmudgeon said...

Oh my goodness, what a year! And OMG rock and roll was a goal of mine of course! Love this Hole song--just realized I wrote on this topic with Nirvana lyrics, ha ha!
Hugs and kisses to you--hoping 2016 is much better

LunaTechChick said...

Yeah it has been a shitstorm of a year. I do love that whole Hole albun. Hey like minds! I remember your post. Yes, my wish is for us all to have all the good things from life this year & beyond. :) xx