We Love Dirty Laundry!

Here it is!! The post you've all been waiting for!!

My dirty laundry, posted on the internet!!!!

Ha ha ha haaaaaa!!!!!!! Sorry, I couldn't resist. ;)

Ok, so, I've said it many times before. Not everything makes it into the blog. Especially the airing of "dirty laundry". I'm just not one of these who's gonna go online & post stuff like "My cheatin, lyin husband is a SOB & if you stay on his Friends List, I'm gonna DELETE YOU!", & the like. We've all seen this stuff, right? (And NO, O is not lyin, nor cheatin. Just an example LOL!). Sure, if I did post about certain stuff, no doubt the blog would be much more interesting, but there are just certain things that I prefer remain between me, O & our families. Things that are just for us. Know what I mean?

That being said....I must apologize for the lack of posts lately. I don't think a month has ever gone by between posts before. Hope nobody thought the worst bout what might be goin on with me cancer-wise. No...it's just a super crazy busy time of year. Coupled with being right in the middle of the 6 month cancer checks...there's just been either nothin to talk about, or no time to talk about stuff that I do wanna talk about.

There are several things to talk about, so there will be several posts come out this month, (I hope! lol!) but I'll try not to post too many too close together & stuff.

Anyway, just a quicky to let y'all know I'm still good, & thanks for stickin with me. Will be bloggin bout birthdays, D-Days, & 4 years that NED's been my BFF. And a few other things.

Yay!

Can The Child Within My Heart Rise Above....

So how bout this? As y'all know, I've been tryin to determine if I have completed menopause.  I know 43 is kinda young for that, but chemo & Tamoxifen can make it happen, & the docs have all suspected I was going through it over the last couple of years.  Anyway, so they've been running blood work, watching the FSH numbers, which determine if you have or have not gone through the menopause.  Ok?  So, last year my numbers showed that I was post-menopause, but were in a range that left open the possibility of things reversing, or the ovaries waking up & all systems kicking back in.  It's what I was hoping for.  Really.  Kinda don't wanna be totally all through menopause by 44, ya know?  (Turning 44 in June.)

So I had my annual visit with the OB Dr D.  He ran the test.  Said he'd call me the next day with the results. And he did.  First thing in the mornin too.  I'm all sleepy & stuff when the phone rang.  Went somethin like:

Dr D:  I have the FSH Lab results back.
Me: Great...so......
Dr D:  Well, anything over a 23 is post menopausal. 
Me: 'kay...
Dr D: Most of my post menopause ladies' numbers run somewhere in the 70s.
Me: M'kay....& my numbers?
Dr D: Well, it's the highest FSH I've ever seen....128.
Me: Whuuuuuuuuut????????

Ok, now, I was sleepy at the time, & he could have said highest he's ever seen in my age range, but I'm pretty sure he said it was the highest number he's ever seen, although, after some research, it's not uncommon for post menopause numbers to be in the 100s. Ok fine.

Yeah.  So not only am I post menopausal, I'm waaaaaaaaaaay post menopausal. I guess.  Great.  And thanks to bc, I can't take hormone replacement therapy to feel "like myself" again.

* "Well, I've been afraid of changing, cause I've built my life around you..."

So, I guess my internal body is now similar to that of an old lady? I don't know. I really don't understand the significance of the FSH number.  Meanwhile, in my mind I'm still in my 20s...& married to a very young 40 something.  This can present a whole bunch of new hurdles....like we haven't jumped enough already. But really, I'm pretty sure O didn't sign up for an eternity of hanging out with a very immature young at heart, little old lady this early in his life. Ya know?

Same for others in my life...family, friends, people we work with....Not really gonna get specific here about the hurdles, just know that although I'm SO grateful for my (so far) survivorship, there are scary things about it too.

Apparently, since my hair is basically back to normal, I'm told I look pretty much the same as before the bc bs.  Which is good.  I think most can tell that aging scares the shit outta me...& I really fight the outward appearance of aging, tooth & fucking nail.  Vanity?  Maybe. (And no, I have not had any cosmetic procedures at all.)  Or maybe it's just that I wanna try to stay as young as I feel am in my mind. 

* "Time makes you bolder, children get older. I'm getting older, too."

So, so so so many things change as we get older...So many things I used to think & believe, I think & believe differently now.  Experience? Cancer survival? Aging? All of the above? Yes, yes, yes & yes.  I think.  And apparently having concrete proof that I've officially completed "the change" has def given me cause for pause. 
Men-o-pause.  Yay.  This could also explain the thinning skin (& more than just physical skin) & gray hair issues...& other stuff.

Anyway...very much thoughtful these days.  Especially after getting those test results.  

* "Can I sail through the changing ocean tides...Can I handle the seasons of my life?

I don't know, I don't know."

[*Landslide, Stevie Nicks]

Sowing The Seeds....

I grow my own.  Yep.  Sprouts.  I've always loved sprouts on sandwiches, wraps, salads, but since being diagnosed with breast cancer in 2009, I've become especially fond of broccoli sprouts.  Apparently, the broccoli sprout does have some cancer fighting properties.  And tastes good too. I found these packaged "Salad Blend" sprouts next to the Broccoli Sprouts in the produce section of the store...tried em on a sandwich & just totally fell in love with them. But it's really hit or miss findin these sprouts.  So some wonderful online friends told me I should just grow my own.  Sprouts. ;) 

Hmmmmmm....I don't grow nuttin.  I even kill silk plants.  But, I researched online & everything I read said it's fun & easy to grow your own sprouts.  So I ordered a sprouter & the seeds & successfully grew my own Salad Blend of Broccoli, Radish & Clover Sprouts.  I couldn't believe it.  They actually came out great.

Next time I'm gonna grow the "Sandwich Blend" which is just the Broccoli & the Radish together.  Then also a batch of just Broccoli.
 
It really is fun & easy! And from seed to eatin, it only takes bout 5 - 6 days.  This is why I also think it would be a fun activity for kids.  Because you have to "deal" with your sprouts twice a day, & every time you deal with them, they're different, bigger, almost growin right before your eyes.

Anyway, if'n yer interested, here's where I got everything I needed to grown my own.  Sprouts.  LOL.  Sprout People.  And no, I'm not gettin anything for sharin this info here.  These wonderful sprout folks don't even know I exist.  I just love their product & the sprouts keep comin out so great. 

In other news....yesterday I got an eyeful outside my window.  The birds n the bees kinda eyeful.  Two little birdies were like, totally doin it, (yes, IT) right there in our flowerbed.  All out in the open & everything.  I was all like "Aaaack, Biiiiiiiiiirrrrdddsssss!! Get a NEST!" LMAO!  Aaahhh spring.  Tis the season. 
They were just sowin the seeds of luuuuuuv.  ;)

*Corniness disclaimer:  It is well known by those who have known me for more than a year, that I do tend to the cheesy & sometimes full on corniness.  Thank you for not unsubscribing.  LOL.

Runnin On Empty...

Ok, well this wasn't supposed to be the post to come out when I told my Facebook "likers" (all less than 100 of them lol ;) ) that a New Blog Post was comin soon, but it is a new blog post nonetheless.  Acutally, that day I did do a little "in between post", but eh... The post I had in mind will be out in a couple of days. ..So please stay tuned.

Anyway, so to catch up real quick...all oncology appointments are done for the next six months.  And all the doctors say I'm doin so good.  So that's a relief.  Hopefully I can successfully put my cancer crap away until September when we'll do it all again, complete with a mammo. 

OMG what a shitty week we've had...bombings at the Boston Marathon...And it appears the whole point of the bombs was to cause human death, injury, disfigurement & suffering. What the fuck is wrong with people?!  (As I type this, the second suspect is "down"...first was killed earlier today.)  Then a pregnant woman was murdered, a car chase, arrests in the Kaufman County murders, & then the tragic (apparent accidental) explosion of the Fertilizer Plant in West, TX, which leveled the town & rattled homes up to 50 miles away. I felt it. O felt it.  He came flyin down the stairs all like "WTF was that?!?!" I thought it was another earthquake.  But it was the explosion. 

All week the images coming across the television & the internet are just so awful.  Too graphic.  Too much for me.  And it makes me think.  About stuff.  Everything.  Again, another opportunity to assess my life.  (As if breast cancer wasn't opportunity enough, right?)

And I'm finding that tryin to steer life in any certain direction is futile at the mo.  Some days I think I know what & who I want need in my life.  And who I don't.  And there are some who have made that choice for me.  And that's fine. Sometimes I feel like a walkin reminder to some that a near perfect, most lovely life can become chaos/scary/short/over in an instant.

* "I don't know how to tell you all just how crazy this life feels. I look around for the friends that I used to turn to, to pull me through. Looking into their eyes I see them running too..."

Anyway...yeah....kinda feel like we're runnin on empty a bit.  But this time of year I probably always feel like that. 

I need a vacation. 

I need to make some changes. 

* "I don't know where I'm running now, I'm just running on.
Running on, running on empty. Running on, running blind..."*

Runnin blind....yeah.

[*Running On Empty, Jackson Browne]