Oh My My...

Oh hell yes! You got to put on that party dress....

Today, July 23, I have been "cancer free" for exactly 5 years. I use this date because this was the day the last surgery was done and had clear margins, thus removing all the cancer...I've had a very tough time getting this blog together...my thoughts and feelings are just all over the place today, so I'm just gonna ramble a bit...

I remember when I first started going through all this bc stuff, I thought, "gosh, if I make it to the five year mark, I'll finally be free of bc, be able to relax and finally get on with life!" Well...I know now that it just doesn't work that way.

For the first year, (after the surgeries and first chemo) I was totally fearless while in treatment.  I was "fighting" as they say.  But not really...was just showing up to stuff...surgeries, chemos, radiations...Herceptins....not gonna go off here on my thoughts about the language of bc...again...

And pretty much, right about the time "active treatment" ended, I started realizing that this magical Five Year Point, where bc is concerned, isn't as magical as it is for other types of cancer.  And that's when I became a total freak at each and every single doctor's appointment, mammogram...any medical anything at all.  And any little ache, pain, bump or bruise sent me reeling with such fear that the bc was back.  Every little thing was a "symptom".  Ok, I still get like that with stuff sometimes, but not quite as much. 

While I'm ever SO grateful for every second, every moment, day and year that I'm here, feel good, and appear to be cancer free, I'm never really free of bc.  I am getting much better at getting on with my life...not being preoccupied by bc every minute.  But as the next round of oncology visits loom ever closer on the calendar, I feel the anxiety bubbling closer and closer to the surface. 

Today I've just felt like I'm in a bit of a fog....overwhelmed with such big, big gratitude for so many people who helped me get here...O, friends, family, my totally top notch medical team - a fabulous surgeon -  the awesome Dr V, day surgery nurses, chemo nurses, oncologists Dr W and Dr L...thankful for advances in medical technology and the development of medications...specifically
Dr Dennis Slamon and the development of Herceptin...

I've said so many times that, although it appears that I've "survived" bc, I don't believe we ever fully, 100% recover mentally and emotionally from having gone through it. So, while I am so so so much better in every way than I was, even a year ago....I'm just not ready to put on that party dress...at least not right this minute...

Today I am just so happy to have reached this "milestone".  But, as in the four years past, we will reserve the "official" celebration for after we've made all the oncology doctor rounds in September and October, and we learn that NED is still our BFF.   We still have a bit of time to decide exactly how we wanna celebrate. =)

Yes..."five year survival" is huge...definitely cause for celebration.  And we will.  Just not today. 

Today has been all about gratitude.

The Kids Are Alright

"Awwww, they're just like a couple of kids!"

This was said about O and me recently, as we stood around laughing and talking with a business owner and her assistant at the end of an appointment. And we were all like "Yeah, well, ha ha haaaa..." all four of us laughing together...

I'm pretty sure it was meant in positive way...right?

Yeah, we're goofy

Even though we are in our 40's, I guess we really are still, SO young at heart. Even in spite of having gone through several life experiences that could have made us so much older than our years. 

But no...we really are just a couple of 40-something kids. 

And we're alright with that. =) 

Do You Remember The Time...

Today.  Today marks five years since Michael Jackson passed away. Farrah Fawcett as well, but all you saw on TV was Michael Jackson. I remember this day well. Ok, not "well" but, rather, vividly. Because when I heard the news that the King Of Pop was dead, I was resting on the sofa, ice pack on my boob, really flipping the fuck out from having just had a biopsy.

It was the beginning of the shit hitting the fan in our life.

Although I do tend to Remember The Times through all the procedures and treatments, this particular one might have been forgotten...except for MJ. And Farrah.

Everything I've Been Through...

You Wouldn't Know....

"You don't LOOK like a bc survivor!"  Ummmm....Thank you?

Who the fuck says that to someone? Well, I AM, whether or not I look like it.  My left boob sure as hell looks like it survived bc.  

What exactly does a bc survivor look like anyway?  Not all bc people do chemo, and take on the "look" of a cancer patient. (Assuming most associate the "look" with baldness or very short hair.) But I assure you, whatever a bc survivor is supposed to look like, I am one.**  

On my 45th Birthday 6/5/14

Throughout the treatment process, my look changed.  During the regrowth of my hair, I guess I must have "looked" like a bc survivor, cause no one ever said I didn't during that time.  

But the other day, someone actually said  to me..."You don't LOOK like a bc survivor!", and I was just kinda....well....flabbergasted beyond speech.  What are you trying to say a bc survivor looks like???

Think people. 

/ rant

** I kinda hate that term, "bc survivor", but I don't know what else say. I can't really say I've "survived" it, till I'm very, very old, if I am so fortunate.