Don't Ask Me...I Don't Know.

So l am gettin some emails & messages from other awesome survivors lately...& it really makes me feel great that these ladies are encouraged by my blog & stuff.  I love when I can help others feel supported, or ease fears, or just help another feel like they're not alone. Glad to be of some help, & in so doing, it helps me as well. *waves to new followers & subscribers* :)

But sometimes, I get asked about certain bc stuff that I just have no idea about.  Things like tumor marker test numbers & onco score.  I probably should know some of the stuff, like the onco score, but I just don't.  I don't even know if I've even had the test that determines the stupid onco score.  Or maybe I have & my doctors know me well enough to know that I don't need to know...which would mean it would have to be a bad score then...right?  Or maybe not. Or maybe I do know, but don't remember...I don't know.

And then there's the tumor marker test.  To my knowledge, I've never had a tumor marker test done.  My Oncologist (and many many others) just doesn't like the tumor marker test for bc.  So he doesn't do it. I'm fine with that.

I'm fine with not knowing these things because I just kinda feel like it really doesn't matter. The treatment I had was pretty much throwin everything the docs had at this cancer bullshit....pulled out the big guns, magic bullet, kitchen sink...everything. So really, at this point, what does it matter? 

One of the things I do know about my bc is the Proliferative Index.  My Proliferative Index was high. Crazy high. And sometimes I wonder if this Proliferative Index has anything to do with that Onco Score.  Like if the PI is high, wouldn't the OS be high too? I don't know.  And I'm not gonna be askin anyone either. Cause I don't need to know.  And if I sit and think about everything I do know about my bc, all the things together,  it totally freaks me the fuck out. So I don't do that shit anymore.

Why all this cancer convo, nerves & freak outness? Well, cause the skeery flurry of oncology type appointments looms ever closer on the calendar.  Next week I go to have the blood drawn for Dr W...& then have to wait a week to see him & find out if I'm still good. (It used to be done all at one time...this waiting is the only thing I don't like bout the new location.) And the week following that, is the visit with the awesome surgeon Dr V.  Normally I'm not so nervous about seein him, cause I'm armed with the knowledge that my mammogram is fine.  But this time, I'm not freshly squeezed...so there's that. And since this stuff all begins next week, I am now a total hypochondriac & master of psychosomatics.

There's a shocker.

Ok, so still tryin to decide on the first Reel Rants episode.  What I'm thinkin is, have the camera follow me around as I go to these appointments & stuff.  Tape as much as the doctors & hospitals will allow.  And then do a segment on good food or something.  What do y'all think? I'm totally open for suggestions.  At first I thought the show was just gonna be about me goin off about stuff that pisses me off, but decided it probably wouldn't be very much fun to just sit & watch me bitch about stuff.  Ask O...he'll tell ya.

Anyway....even though I do seem a bit shaky at the mo, please do keep writing to me & commentin & stuff.  I think when I can reach out & share with y'all back & forth, it really is helpful to me also & boosts my confidence & courage & stuff, & hopefully is helpful for you, too.  We're in this together, you & me. So again, thanks everyone who regularly reads, follows, writes to me, Liked on Facebook, Follows on Twitter & comments here & stuff. 

xx

Testing, Testing, 1 - 2 - 3....

And so it begins.  Again.  Not just talkin about stupid ass deep freeze wintery weather either.  Which we're havin...again....it's 18 degrees outside & looks like a blizzard! And I'm sick of it.  Enough already! GAWD!!!  No, what I'm mostly talkin about is the flurry of tests/labs/doctor's visits.  Seems like somethin's gonna be looked at/scanned/poked every couple of weeks from now through March.  Yay me! LOL! But a close watch on stuff is a good thing.  I know this.

Got my chest X-ray yesterday.  First one since all this bullshit started.  It went fast (surprisingly, since I was sent to the hospital to have it) & smooth enough. In & out in less than 30 minutes.  And at 4:00 too!  And that was great.  But now, the appointment with the Oncologist, Dr W looms.  Tomorrow.  Weather permitting.  I need it to permit.  So I can know.  Not just about the chest X-ray (pleasepleaseplease be normalnormalnormal), but also about the blood work.  Why now am I so all weirded out about the labs, since I've had beautiful labs for over a year now?  Well, up until recently, I really didn't know exactly what all this blood work tells a doc.  I didn't know that Dr W could possibly detect some cancers with it.  But now that I know this....yeah.  I think I'm one of those people for whom ignorance truly is bliss.  I usually stroll in there, usually go by myself.  All chatty with the staff & the nurse.  All grinnin like a goon (most times) when Dr W comes in.  But that's probably not gonna be the case this time.  Until he gives me the all clear on both tests.  Then cue the goon-ness. (What IS it with me & the cancer doctors? LOL!) But until he's given me a thumbs up, I'll be a bit of a bundle of nerves. And this will not be a surprise to him.

And lately I've just gotten so paranoid of stuff.  Like right before the bone scan....every little ache or pain...like the shoulder pain I'd been having.  Just KNEW the scan was gonna be not good.  But it turns out, I believe the shoulder pain was directly related to the port removal.  Anyway...yeah, every little issue or bodily function....& I'm all like..."uh oh...that's not normal....or is it?  Has that always been like that?" (TMI? Sorry...lol) I mean, paranoia will destroy ya...(Did I REALLY just say that stupid shit? *Sensing readers eyes rolling*) But I'm actually feelin much calmer since the X-ray is done.  Dunno why...not like I expected anyone to tell me any results.  Which they didn't.  Cause they can't.  And they were so rushed.  You could tell they were still digging out of a back log of patients that probably rescheduled during the 4 days of frozen tundra we had last week.

Anyway.  Yeah.  Another snow day at home.  Not supposed to get above freezing till Friday, but come close tomorrow.  Close enough to see Dr W?  I hope so.  And I don't.  But I do. I think.  Eh!  For now it's just me & hubby & our lovely space heater...hangin out.  Gettin caught up on things around the house.  And drippin faucets & all that lovely stuff.  

And I can see I haven't posted a hair regrowth after chemo picture in awhile, so I'll be doin another post later with some 14 month pics of the afro-mullet.  

And tomorrow I'll be back with what Dr W says, or if I got rescheduled.