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Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Don't Ask Me...I Don't Know.

So l am gettin some emails & messages from other awesome survivors lately...& it really makes me feel great that these ladies are encouraged by my blog & stuff.  I love when I can help others feel supported, or ease fears, or just help another feel like they're not alone. Glad to be of some help, & in so doing, it helps me as well. *waves to new followers & subscribers* :)

But sometimes, I get asked about certain bc stuff that I just have no idea about.  Things like tumor marker test numbers & onco score.  I probably should know some of the stuff, like the onco score, but I just don't.  I don't even know if I've even had the test that determines the stupid onco score.  Or maybe I have & my doctors know me well enough to know that I don't need to know...which would mean it would have to be a bad score then...right?  Or maybe not. Or maybe I do know, but don't remember...I don't know.

And then there's the tumor marker test.  To my knowledge, I've never had a tumor marker test done.  My Oncologist (and many many others) just doesn't like the tumor marker test for bc.  So he doesn't do it. I'm fine with that.

I'm fine with not knowing these things because I just kinda feel like it really doesn't matter. The treatment I had was pretty much throwin everything the docs had at this cancer bullshit....pulled out the big guns, magic bullet, kitchen sink...everything. So really, at this point, what does it matter? 

One of the things I do know about my bc is the Proliferative Index.  My Proliferative Index was high. Crazy high. And sometimes I wonder if this Proliferative Index has anything to do with that Onco Score.  Like if the PI is high, wouldn't the OS be high too? I don't know.  And I'm not gonna be askin anyone either. Cause I don't need to know.  And if I sit and think about everything I do know about my bc, all the things together,  it totally freaks me the fuck out. So I don't do that shit anymore.

Why all this cancer convo, nerves & freak outness? Well, cause the skeery flurry of oncology type appointments looms ever closer on the calendar.  Next week I go to have the blood drawn for Dr W...& then have to wait a week to see him & find out if I'm still good. (It used to be done all at one time...this waiting is the only thing I don't like bout the new location.) And the week following that, is the visit with the awesome surgeon Dr V.  Normally I'm not so nervous about seein him, cause I'm armed with the knowledge that my mammogram is fine.  But this time, I'm not freshly there's that. And since this stuff all begins next week, I am now a total hypochondriac & master of psychosomatics.

There's a shocker.

Ok, so still tryin to decide on the first Reel Rants episode.  What I'm thinkin is, have the camera follow me around as I go to these appointments & stuff.  Tape as much as the doctors & hospitals will allow.  And then do a segment on good food or something.  What do y'all think? I'm totally open for suggestions.  At first I thought the show was just gonna be about me goin off about stuff that pisses me off, but decided it probably wouldn't be very much fun to just sit & watch me bitch about stuff.  Ask O...he'll tell ya.

Anyway....even though I do seem a bit shaky at the mo, please do keep writing to me & commentin & stuff.  I think when I can reach out & share with y'all back & forth, it really is helpful to me also & boosts my confidence & courage & stuff, & hopefully is helpful for you, too.  We're in this together, you & me. So again, thanks everyone who regularly reads, follows, writes to me, Liked on Facebook, Follows on Twitter & comments here & stuff. 



Paula said...

I don't know about any of that stuff either. It may be that so much time has gone by that I have forgotten or else they just didn't do that way back then. I have a very vague memory of my oncologist telling me that a piece of my tumor was sent to some big tumor registration in like Boston or something. This may all be in my imagination of course. Maybe I hope that somebody up there has my cancer in a file cabinet where it will stay. LOL And now we are waiting for results from the husbands tests. He seems in denial but I think part of it is that he now realizes that he was probably a huge jerk towards me and now he knows how it feels to be maybe losing control of things. I am not paying back. That's just not me. I will be supportive no matter what. Even if I want to be a jerk.

LunaTechChick said...

I hear ya Paula...I think I remember hearin that my tumor is frozen somewhere & will be kept around for 5 years or something like that. And I'm waitin with ya on your hubs tests results. xx

Anonymous said...

It would have to be very intense to wait for a test like you have often it seems. I just think power of positive thinking and prayer is the way to go. You have done so well--keep it together..I just know all is well. Re the Reel Rant--maybe try it with the camera..maybe that will be a stablilizing force...? Love you my Kimberly. Mom