Don't Ask Me...I Don't Know.

So l am gettin some emails & messages from other awesome survivors lately...& it really makes me feel great that these ladies are encouraged by my blog & stuff.  I love when I can help others feel supported, or ease fears, or just help another feel like they're not alone. Glad to be of some help, & in so doing, it helps me as well. *waves to new followers & subscribers* :)

But sometimes, I get asked about certain bc stuff that I just have no idea about.  Things like tumor marker test numbers & onco score.  I probably should know some of the stuff, like the onco score, but I just don't.  I don't even know if I've even had the test that determines the stupid onco score.  Or maybe I have & my doctors know me well enough to know that I don't need to know...which would mean it would have to be a bad score then...right?  Or maybe not. Or maybe I do know, but don't remember...I don't know.

And then there's the tumor marker test.  To my knowledge, I've never had a tumor marker test done.  My Oncologist (and many many others) just doesn't like the tumor marker test for bc.  So he doesn't do it. I'm fine with that.

I'm fine with not knowing these things because I just kinda feel like it really doesn't matter. The treatment I had was pretty much throwin everything the docs had at this cancer bullshit....pulled out the big guns, magic bullet, kitchen sink...everything. So really, at this point, what does it matter? 

One of the things I do know about my bc is the Proliferative Index.  My Proliferative Index was high. Crazy high. And sometimes I wonder if this Proliferative Index has anything to do with that Onco Score.  Like if the PI is high, wouldn't the OS be high too? I don't know.  And I'm not gonna be askin anyone either. Cause I don't need to know.  And if I sit and think about everything I do know about my bc, all the things together,  it totally freaks me the fuck out. So I don't do that shit anymore.

Why all this cancer convo, nerves & freak outness? Well, cause the skeery flurry of oncology type appointments looms ever closer on the calendar.  Next week I go to have the blood drawn for Dr W...& then have to wait a week to see him & find out if I'm still good. (It used to be done all at one time...this waiting is the only thing I don't like bout the new location.) And the week following that, is the visit with the awesome surgeon Dr V.  Normally I'm not so nervous about seein him, cause I'm armed with the knowledge that my mammogram is fine.  But this time, I'm not freshly squeezed...so there's that. And since this stuff all begins next week, I am now a total hypochondriac & master of psychosomatics.

There's a shocker.

Ok, so still tryin to decide on the first Reel Rants episode.  What I'm thinkin is, have the camera follow me around as I go to these appointments & stuff.  Tape as much as the doctors & hospitals will allow.  And then do a segment on good food or something.  What do y'all think? I'm totally open for suggestions.  At first I thought the show was just gonna be about me goin off about stuff that pisses me off, but decided it probably wouldn't be very much fun to just sit & watch me bitch about stuff.  Ask O...he'll tell ya.

Anyway....even though I do seem a bit shaky at the mo, please do keep writing to me & commentin & stuff.  I think when I can reach out & share with y'all back & forth, it really is helpful to me also & boosts my confidence & courage & stuff, & hopefully is helpful for you, too.  We're in this together, you & me. So again, thanks everyone who regularly reads, follows, writes to me, Liked on Facebook, Follows on Twitter & comments here & stuff. 

xx