Scar Tissue That I Wish You Saw

[Ok, here's a bit of a rambling, ranty musing...not much rhyme or reason here I don't think...]

Scars. Some scars you never see...and some emotional scars sometimes never heal. 

Oh sure, I could show you the big ol scar on what's left of my left boob, or the one under my arm from the removal of the lymph nodes...and sometimes you DO actually see the mediport scar.

But I guess what I wish people could understand is that once you've had this stupid ass cancer...you never fully recover from it...mentally or emotionally.  Now, I'm not saying I'm all cancer, all the time.  Definitely not (anymore). But I do still have my moments.  Like any time something hurts...or doesn't feel quite right. Although I talk less and less about it with others...it's always there...in the back of my mind.  And how could it not be? The rest of my life is now filled with constant reminders.  Like, the reduced range of motion I have in my left arm now, the loss of strength in that same arm, the mild lymphedema...or having to put on a prosthesis to wear certain kinds of things...having to wear a compression garment to exercise or do other physical kinds of things, or when traveling by air....you know, stuff like that.  

But after a certain point, most people expect that "You've won the battle & beat it" and "it's all over and done with now" so "let's get all back to normal now"...  But my normal is now a different kind of normal.  Even as I approach FIVE years out.  Which, seriously, means absolutely Jack-Shit in breastcancerland. Here's a FACT: 30% of people diagnosed with bc, regardless of the stage...yes even early stage, will develop distant metastasis.  And we don't know why. Maybe this is why my mind is now the way it is about all kinds of things.

My friend said something to me recently that got me to thinking.... Having had cancer (or going through a major or traumatic or life changing event) really does show you exactly who's who in your life. Who your friends are. Who your friends aren't. Who really cares/d about you. And who doesn't and/or never did. She is absolutely right. Realizing exactly who's who can be kind of scarring...

Also, when you learn of someone getting a mets diagnosis, or passing from it...scars.  Especially when that person had a similar diagnosis...or was diagnosed about the same time as you were. Very, very scarring.  

What's the worst unseen scar for me? The fact that our life is now divided into "BC" - Before Cancer and "AD" - After Diagnosis... 

Scars.

Now, just because this post is a bit of a downer, please don't think I'm  going through life all sad or angry all the time and stuff.  Quite the contrary.   And yes, I do have bigger and bigger chunks of my day and life that bc is not even a part of.  This is just a post that's been in draft for probably a year and a half and I just wanted to put it on out there is all. And I'm still not happy with it, but really gotta get some of these "drafts" either published or just deleted.  Ya know?  

  

Everybody Hurts...

Sometimes. 

And sometimes we have knee jerk reactions in response to that hurt.  And sometimes we regret it and correct it.  And sometimes, we don't. 

So it's been a tough week or so around here.  No, nothing to do with my bc, but it was enough to send me running totally away from the internet and online activities.  Most people who know me, know that I live way too far away from my family than I'd like. Like 1,000 miles.  And most people know how much I've loved technology and most especially Facebook and Skype for really helping to bridge those miles and make being so far away easier.  Well, sometimes not easier...sometimes it's bittersweet.

Anyway....just had a whole bunch of emotional stuff collide all within about a week - a big life change that was well under way that came to a screeching halt, loss of a family member and seeing how it affected my mother, missing my family, and pretty much just wishing we could make the impossible happen, plus some sad, sad things in the news, and I was just on major emotional overload. So I took to Facebook and declared I was going off the grid for a bit. Yeah. That lasted less than a week. For all the things I have been not so much loving about social media lately, there were many more things I missed about staying connected with so many people I care about and who care about me back. 

During those few days I avoided the internet (and even the news), I did enjoy not having my heart yanked from one emotion to another.  And I reflected on lots of things...especially as I approach those bc anniversaries that I continue to recognize, year after year. (Times FIVE this year, btw.) 

Do I look pensive? I am.

I'm feeling much, much better about most things.  But some things I'm not gonna feel better about until I can finally do something to change the things.

So hold on, hold on.......

Words Are Very Unnecessary

Especially when there's not much to report. Personal life and professional life continue to get very, very interesting, though, but just gonna have to leave it at that...for now.

Hope everyone is having a nice spring.  Here in my region, we're enjoying the 6 - 8 weeks of loveliness between the ice and the fire. 

Promise to post a blog of some substance soon.  

Promise.
 =)

What A Fool Believes.....

Welcome to April! I def saw my share of April Fools' jokes and also some April Fools (I was probably one of them lol) on April 1. One thing I love about the month of April is that  by then I have already been to the oncologist and won't have to mess with that for awhile, weather is warmer and it's O's birthday month.

Ok, so, I saw Dr W...andI was all expecting him to say that everything looks great and let's start doing ANNUAL visits...cause that's what he said he planned to do when I saw him in September. 

That is not what happened.  

Fool that I am for believing him.  

No...instead he said he'd like to see me in six months, just one last time on the six month thing, and THEN go to annuals.  Ok, fine.  That is actually closer to my five years of cancer freeness than March is so sure, no prob.  But then he said he was going to order a blood test.  A tumor marker test.  My very first EVER tumor marker test, because Dr W has always said that he is no fan of tumor marker tests. (Nor is he a fan of constantly ordering scans to monitor bc.) He just thinks these tumor marker tests are just not all that reliable...any number of non cancer related things can cause a reading to look pretty fuckin scary, and can cause unnecessary stress to an already over the top stressed out, paranoid freak, such as myself. So, although he said that he has really "no faith" in the CA 27.29 with CEA tests, he felt it prudent to at least take a look at them before sending me off into the wild blue ANNUAL yonder....

I guess it makes sense.  So the blood was drawn.  We were told it could take a day or two to get the results.... O kinda nudged Dr W to try to get results sooner rather than later.

(And then 24 hours of me being a stressy weirdo freak began...something that I think is never going to change, when it comes to cancer testing and stuff....Ahhhh, the scars that remain from bc that will never heal....more on that in a future post...)

Anyway, I do understand that this test alone can't be relied on...but if something does look out of the ordinary, then coupled with other tests, like a CT, a recurrence or mets could be detected earlier, maybe even before symptoms arise, and hopefully dealt with. Ok, fine. 

Thankfully, Dr W called the very next day...just about 24 hours after the blood was drawn.  Went something like this:

*Ring Ring* 

LTC: "Oh shit! It's Dr W! OhShitOhShitOhShit!!!!....Hello, this is LTC..." 
Dr W: "Hi LTC, it's Dr W..."
LTC: "Hi Dr W, I'm very scared of you at this moment..."
Dr W: *chuckling* "Your tumor markers all look just fine!"
LTC: "OMG thank GAWD!! Whew!"  So, does this mean I should cancel our appointment in 6 months and see you next March?
Dr W: "Well, I'll let you decide that..."
LTC: "Nooo....you're the boss of this....what is your recommendation?"
Dr W: "Let's keep the appointment, and I'll see you in 6 months."

Ok, so now here's the thing...am I a Fool for believing that a "just fine" looking tumor marker test actually means anything at all?  I mean, since Dr W has no faith in these tests??  Right?  

No, I don't think so.  I actually DO feel better knowing this...because I'm thinking, "just fine" is great...elevated stuff means additional testing is needed, which may or may not reveal bc issues.  I would (obviously) rather have "just fine" than "elevated...."

Soooooooo, I choose to believe, (fool or not), that it was good to run these tests and I'm glad to know they look fine.

See Mom, we have Dickey's too

And here I am being an April Fool on April Fools' Day 2014. =)