Going Off The Rails...

 On a Crazy Train.  

So, here's a wordy rambling.  

I'm feeling very much the way I felt in 2020 on the run-up to Election Day and I wrote I'm Empty And Aching...  But this time, it feels different. More frightening. More dark.  

The morning after the election, after Trump again became the President-Elect, I did something VERY out of character.  I fired off a knee-jerk, angry/scared/sad status update on my Facebook.  I don't usually do that.  And I invited people to unfriend me if they voted for Trump in that status update.  I wish I had taken a moment before posting.  Some did unfriend me.  I did some unfriending.  I rarely do that.  It was definitely out of character.  Childish even.  

Instead of what I posted, I wish I had posted something more like this:  

I'm disappointed.  I'm scared.  Y'all voted for a man clearly in both mental and physical decline.  Who says crazy stuff.  Weird stuff.  Slurs his words.  Clearly unfit, and you KNOW he is unfit.  He calls America, the greatest country with the best economy in the world, "a garbage can for the world".  You were so afraid that your little girl would go to school and come home a boy (y'all don't really believe this do you?) that you voted against someone who wanted to help people buy their first home.  You voted for a man who already has caused so many women to not be able to get the health care needed, in mid-miscarriage, sepsis taking hold (and sepsis moves quickly), and even some have died after being turned away from emergency rooms.  And he brags about it.  If you haven't read Project 2025, you need to.  Because it appears this could be the future of America.  I really REALLY hope that it isn't.      

I. Am. Afraid.   
/end status

I'm trying to believe you didn't mean to do it though.  You've just been SO misinformed.  You voted for him because you believed all the disinformation you were fed by Fox News and other right-leaning networks, podcasts, and social media.  Remember y'all, Fox News admitted in court that they lied to the American people and are NOT to be considered a news channel, but only entertainment.  They paid out millions of dollars in a settlement.  

The media sells it, And you live the role. 

Click to enlarge.

I also have to admit to the hypocrisy of my previous blog post. I guess it was written from a place of hubris.  It was SO clear to me that Harris was the right, competent choice and would be elected.  All the huge early voter turnouts, massive rallies, and her positive message of lifting others up and protecting women's reproductive rights, the possibility of making history by electing our first woman President.  But when it didn't come to pass, I apparently, momentarily, lost my mind.  Just total disbelief and just sadness at the future we're now going to be denied.  She had a plan and policies that would help the country and the people of our country.  All Trump wants is retribution.  

Through this, I've learned so much about how easily people can be led and misinformed.  And that there are some who just don't or won't try to know or learn about what's happening in the world around them. It's also taught me a lesson about myself.  I'll never understand those willing to vote for a convicted felon who was also found liable for sexual assault and is promising to pardon insurrectionists who assaulted police officers.

There have been reports that before the election, most voters preferred Harris' policies over Trump's, as long as they weren't aware of which candidate proposed them.  That is very sad. (Wish I could locate the source of this information, but sadly I can't. I'll link it here if I do find it though.) 

Some recent things Trump said shortly before the election that freaked me out.  He said he's going to let RFK, Jr. go wild on food.  Go wild on medicine.  Go wild on healthcare. Y'all know some of the crazy and weird shit that guy has done? This guy is scary AF!  And he's now appointed Secretary of Health and Human Services.  Y'all.  I can't even. 

 And Speaker Johnson says there will be a major overhauling of healthcare.  Without the ACA, I, and so many of y'all, will likely lose our health insurance. I'll lose the ability to get the treatment needed if I get any recurrence or new cancer.  My thyroid issues, diagnosed in 1997, would go back to being my financial (and expensive) responsibility.  It could mean the end of coverage for preexisting conditions.  But apparently, that's what the majority wants, sadly.

I suspect as we move through Trump's next presidency, so many who voted for him are going to wonder why all kinds of terrible things are happening.  They'll be angry about it.  Rightfully so.  They'll say they didn't know. But his agenda has been no secret.  SO many in his own party, decorated military people, and people who worked with him and know him very well have been sounding alarms.  But apparently, his MAGA voters just think it's all bullshit what they're saying about him. Fake news.  But he's already said so much of it himself.  
Believe him.

So, we've got a couple of more months before the shit hits the fan.  And time will tell how successful or not he will be in implementing his agenda. Y'all see Trump's cabinet pics so far this week?  If he really cares about the country and the people, why is he choosing such outlandish, unqualified, inexperienced people?  For the shock value?  Well, I do think that's part of it.  But it's mostly because these people will do exactly what he expects of them.  They will pledge loyalty to him over the Constitution.  

And now the GOP will have control of both the House and the Senate. Still think Project 2025 wasn't for real?  Still think he has no idea what it is?  I am fearful for the future.  Fearful for our national security, our healthcare, our reproductive rights, our climate, our economy...for America.

I hope there are enough Republicans opposing Trump to maintain some guardrails, enough to prevent us from becoming a dictatorship.  

I've been feeling so sad and abandoned.    

I am trying.  I will get there.  I must.  Now that the initial shock has subsided, it's time to remember how to compartmentalize, limit my news exposure and get back to ME.  I just felt I had to put this out there, own my missteps and now I'm ready to get out of this dark place.

Maybe it's not too late, 
to learn how to love and forget how to hate. 

If You Choose Not To Decide, You Still Have Made A Choice...REPRISE 2024

 VOTE.  Please. 

Reprising my post from 2020. 

This is just some of my thinks and feels.  Some will understand, some won't.  Here's a rambling batch of words.  

I don't often share political memes and opinions or even FACTUAL posts on social media.  I may start posting factual things as we get closer to the election...likely the most important one yet.  And yes, that has been said of the last couple of elections, but since the insurrection on January 6, 2021, and the revelation of Project 2025, it's truer now more than ever.  I hope this is the last election we have to fear for the survival of our democracy.  

This post isn't even meant to be of a political nature, really.  But what it IS about is relationships.  Here's the thing... I have not and will not let politics affect my feelings toward our friends and family.  I have not unfriended (maybe unfollowed) anyone on social media simply because they feel the opposite way that I do about a candidate or political party.  I'm trying really hard to not start unfriending, but when I see people posting utter foolishness, misinformation, and just downright ugliness...it's hard y'all, but I will try not to do it.  

I WILL, however, delete you if you flagrantly disregard my request to NOT engage in political debate or start an argument with me on a rare political post I may make.  If you post or comment with anything that is downright hateful, nasty, vulgar or criminal sounding, I will likely go on ahead and block you.  You can always, just, you know, scroll on by; that's what I do.  (Can I just say how annoyed I've become about how social media has taken over so much of our lives and interactions with others?)

I appreciate that most times, our friends and family members know that politics (and religion) should be taboo at get-togethers.  Unfortunately, sometimes a friend of a friend or family member at a gathering will start in with silly political rhetoric, or a smart-ass comment aimed at getting a reaction.  It happened recently, actually.  It got zero reaction.  

A sidebar:  Recently, our town went through a major, 1,000-year flood due to Hurricane/TS Debbie parking right over us for 3 days.  I love how quickly our community sprang into action to help their affected neighbors.  So many volunteers helping with sandbags, helping people get out of the flooded neighborhoods with boats, delivering supplies on boats and kayaks.  They didn't hesitate.  I'm pretty sure no one stopped to see if they were working alongside or helping to assist a Republican or a Democrat.  Both sides were working hard, side by side, to help their fellow humans...their fellow Americans.

I wish that people could agree to not let political opinions divide, damage or estrange friends and especially family.  Blood is supposed to be thicker than politics.  

That being said, I may post some of my hopes for our political future on social media.  I may not.  I hope my friends list doesn't decrease in numbers as a result if I do.    

I understand that there are those who might disagree with their significant other's candidate of choice but aren't comfortable saying so.  Keep in mind, the voting booth is a private situation.  You can vote however you want.
You can choose free will.  Just sayin'.  

I hope everyone will get out and vote.  If you will be 18 by election day, go on ahead and register and then make your voice heard on November 5.

Voting feels wonderful.  I'm downright euphoric after I've seen my ballot counted.  And after we vote this year, early, we will likely celebrate that we can and have voted.  Please y'all, don't let your candidate lose to the couch.  

If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.  
~Geddy Lee / Alex Lifeson / Neil Peart  

(REPRISE: 15 Years) I'm Still Standing...

June 4, 2024

First, I am grateful to still be here.  SO grateful. It was 15 years ago today that I received that dreaded, awful phone call from Dr. D.  Before I even picked up the phone, my ears began that high-pitched ringing & rushing sound.  And then he said it.  "The pathology came back positive for breast cancer."  

Your blood like winter freezes just like ice. 

And like in 2013, I still wonder why I feel the need to mark all these damn cancer dates down on a calendar.  But yes, I do.  All of them.  Still.  And O & I are still waiting on that "someday".  It's never over.  Ever. 

But less of the focus for sure.  

I guess I have about as much to say about it today as I did when I posted 

Once You Know You Can Never Go Back... in 2015.

And here I am at 55.  And I'm Still Standing....

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm Still Standing....

June 2009. About a week before D-Day.

Four years ago this week.  On June 30th actually. My whole world changed.  I got the phone call that the pathology was in from the biopsy & it was positive for breast cancer. 

I can't believe four years have passed.  I don't even really have a whole lot to say about it, but I just feel the need to remember it & several other days that have to do with it.  D-Day...NED day...first & last chemo days....head shave day...

Why?  Why do I mark these days on the calendar year after year?  Only thing I can think of is that having to go through the bc bs is hard. 
Damn hard.  And once you've had it, things are never, ever the same again. 

I'm pretty sure O hopes there will someday be a time when I'm totally & finally done with all the cancer stuff.  So do I.  But I really don't think you're ever totally just DONE with it, once you've had it.  I do know that it isn't so much the focus....like I no longer eat, sleep, breathe, walk & talk cancer 24/7 like I once did.  But it's always there...looming.  Like a dark cloud that just can't wait to strike like lightning....every single time I have the slightest ache or pain...or spot...or pimple...or pretty much anything.  And pleeeeeease don't mention any symptom of anything at all to me.  Ever.  *Furrows brow in the direction of Dr's V, W & C & even F*  Cause remember, I truly am THE Master of Psychosomatics. Yeah.

Eh, anyway....Four years later.  And I'm Still Standing. 

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hello It's Me...

 Hello, it’s me.

Does that conjure Adele for you, or Todd Rundgren?  Or maybe Dave Mustaine’s voice even?

But is it me?  Seems like I’m experiencing some physical changes lately that are annoying and causing me to not feel like me.  Hair texture is changing, eye hair is leaving, gravity is pulling things down and my skin is being weird.  But I guess that's just how it is in middle age.  As always, I’m grateful for even reaching middle age, but really not a fan of the effects.  Just sayin’.   

So I haven’t blogged in forever.  Well, for a year and a half as I type this.  Not much happening with cancer and that’s a really great thing.  Except for this:  Got my clear mammogram at a great new facility where the waiting room chairs are massage chairs, the robes are warmed and then you talk to the radiologist and he shows you the images. He recommended something I’ve never been told before.  He told me I should be having annual MRIs in addition to the mammo.  He told me it was the recommendation of the American College of Radiology for people like me.  People who were diagnosed with breast cancer before the age of 50 and in my case, due to the location of the tumor.  Mine was waaaayyyy back there like, really close to the armpit.  It’s loads of fun loading my scar into the mammogram machine, lemme tell ya.

Anyway, I have never, ever, through all the cancer stuff, ever had an MRI.  Ever.  I’ve had plenty of CT scans and X-rays, but never an MRI or even a PET scan.  And although it’s just a recommendation, an MRI has indeed been ordered.  I do love that the radiologist told me that “nothing at all has changed in 14 years”.  So, while I had that familiar feeling of relief, I am honestly nervous AF about this MRI.  Not just the procedure, but then the waiting and then the result.  What if it detects a reoccurrence, metastasis or even another kind of cancer?  And then there's the possibility that our health insurance won't cover it until our deductible is met. It's never met which is good news, but not so good for needing additional procedures.  So if / when they deny it, then what?  Do I just decide that it's good enough that the mammo is clear and the radiologist says all seems well?  I just might. 

So what’s been up with us over the last couple of years?  

I did do a few blog posts during the early part of the pandemic.  We cooked a whole lot during quarantine, which was fun since O and I love to cook.  We discovered we love the Instant Pot and air fryers.  We got into indoor gardening with the Aerogarden and started growing our own herbs and heirloom cherry tomatoes.  Love that.  

We took all 5 Moderna COVID-19 vaccines and boosters and have been happy to feel more confident to not wear masks in public places.  When I look back on the posts I did during the onset of the pandemic and quarantine, all those scary feelings come rushing back.  

What else....

May 2022

We renovated a great old house and made it our home and we just love it.  We’re closer to civilization and the family and that’s really nice.  We did as much as we could ourselves and contracted out things we knew better than to attempt ourselves.    The first thing we did was tear out the kitchen for a complete overhaul of every thing.  It's a totally different space now, as is pretty much the whole house and it's awesome!  The whole interior renovation took from May through October last year and exterior repairs and improvements continue and will continue probably forever.  So yes, that means we moved again.  I think that makes 5 moves in 7 years.  After having lived in the same home for 13 years.  
May this be the last one.

So yeah, pretty much just been renovating and moving.  Driving 50 minutes from where we were living to the renovation, working hard and then having to drive the 50 minutes back, most times in the dark, meant once again, there were issues with getting something to eat.  Cause cooking sure wasn’t happening much during that 5 month period.  Long-time readers probably remember the food fail posts.  It continues.  

O and I celebrated 22 years of marriage last month.  I am SO thankful to have him in my life. 

March 2023

 

Hello it's me...

I'll be 14 years NED in July, providing an MRI (IF I get it) doesn't say otherwise and as I'm approaching 14 years out from the cancer diagnoses, I'm so thankful for so much and for all of you...Friends, family, readers, followers, fellow blogger-friends and the online friends too (y'all know who you are).  Without all of y'all, I really don't know how we would have gotten through, not just the cancer, but the last several years of super scary uncertainty.  

Thank you.  

Love to all.