I Fake It So Real I Am Beyond Fake...

I'm still doing it. I come off like everything's fine, all the time. Great. Awesome.  "Super! Thanks for asking!"

When you look at my Facebook, it looks like I'm living a fun and fabulous life. And I am. Mostly. But why is it that I don't document the not so lovely times?

September 2009

There are very, VERY few photos of me bald. I wouldn't allow it. And being in the video/television biz, most people would have expected a documentary type of thing from us. But no. I thought that would absolutely jinx me. 

So far, 2016 has gotten off to a rough start. Way too many deaths of wonderful people from bc, and celebrities too. Most from cancer. Our life is incredibly different than it was just one year ago. Our address has changed twice, after living at the same address for 12 years. Our client list has shrunk. A lot. Thanks technology. And therefore, so has our income. But it's ok. I am with O, I have a very close friend that I've been besties with for bout 20 years, I remain NED, as far as anyone can tell. So life's good. 

But, at the same time, I'm so pissed off at what the future looks like, if I'm even lucky enough to live through it. It's gonna be hard. Not gonna lie. 

Back to the Facebook thing.... I do love me some Facebook. But, it really is your "best face forward" isn't it? I tend to use it as a digital scrapbook. So I guess it makes sense that there wouldn't be any documenting of the bad, ugly stuff. Right? Like the video O took of me fresh out of my first surgery. The one where I look gawd awful, oxygen thingy in my nose, giving O the finger for recording me. Or any pics of me bald. Or crying, which I did a LOT of in 2009. And still do today. 

I live in eternal fear of recurrence of breast cancer, or metastasis. I haven't made the smartest choices with career and finances. Kinda feel bad for us children of the 80's, who grew up with "Sex, Drugs, and Rock & Roll" as our goals. However, most of my friends dummied up. I didn't. I ran off and joined the damn circus, so to speak. So, there is a career change coming, more than likely. And going back to school. Better late than never, right?

Please don't misunderstand...O is one hell of an awesome producer/editor/photographer. And caregiver. And provider. And partner. And my best friend. I am more than spoiled. But we do have our moments. But who doesn't?

September 2015

During our brief time living in Savannah last year, we both actually contemplated the thought that perhaps we should just divorce. Because we love each other so much. I wanted to be home, near my mother, near the ocean. But he was miserable. Homesick. And apparently over qualified for the industry in that market. So, we talked about maybe he should just come back to Texas and I should stay in Georgia. But, if you came around us, or looked at our Facebook pages, you'd never even know such a thing was happening to our lives. Being in a situation to have to choose between the love of your life and your mother, and access to the ocean is just indescribable. I can't even put it in to words. But I feel we made the correct choice. I have always believed that we are always, precisely where we are supposed to be at every moment. 

People ask how are you doing? How are you feeling? And, regardless of how I am actually doing/feeling, I'll say "Great! How bout you?" And I have finally realized that it's because I don't want to cause anyone to feel bad. Definitely don't want pity. And come to think of it, I think most people are the same way. It's rare that I've ever asked how someone is, and then hear lots of terrible things. Oh sure, we all know that one person. You know, the one who couldn't say a positive thing if their life depended on it. Well, I don't wanna be that person.

December 2015

So, I fake it. A lot. Our move to Georgia and back has cost us a lot. Nearly everything. We're basically starting over. But it's ok. I'm actually proud of us for going for it. For reaching for that brass ring. Living life to the fullest. Dream chasing. Fake or no, I have and will continue to live life to the fullest that I can. 

I'm still gonna find something to smile about. Live my life to the fullest. Or just fake it till we make it. 

I want to be the girl with the most cake. 

I Wasn't Born With Enough Middle Fingers....

Sept 2009

Fuck off fifteen. Yep, next to 2009, 2015 ranks right up there as one of the most shitastic years in my memory. 

I don't make New Year resolutions. Haven't for many years now. I'm not really sure what the hell happened this year, but nothing turned out to be what was expected. And maybe that's the problem. Expectations. So, no resolutions for me.

Yeah, our move to the east coast and back definitely was the big event of the year, and we are forever changed by it. Relationships are changed. I made a new friend. And I had something other than cancer to focus on for a change. 

The day after Christmas, we rode out the tornado outbreak here in Texas. Like, an EF3 tornado came within 2 miles of our house. And if you know me, you know I don't handle tornado warnings very well. It wasn't until I turned off the street from our neighborhood and saw with my own eyes, large, brick homes in rubble. Like piles of bricks and matchsticks, that I realized what a close call it was and how so very thankful I am to not be in that situation. So so sad that anyone has to deal with that and that there were some fatalities. And am motivated to help in any way we can. This is a close knit community, and people are coming together to help one another unlike anything I've ever seen before. It is soul warming.

Looking back at the year, I wish it had been as uneventful as last year. But I remain ever grateful that my health situation remains NED. This is my seventh New Year's Eve since diagnosis. And I really am thankful. I have a wonderful medical team of doctors that I credit with my being here to bitch about 2015 being not at all what I was expecting. Again, the problem of expectations.

So, 2015 has been a year of the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. But is any year ever perfect? Well, I didn't have to do any active treatment for breast cancer, so, in spite of it all, it was a good year. Any year I'm not actively dealing with cancer, I deem to be a good one. And, please don't come down on me for having gripes about feeling like I'm more than done with this year. I pretty much hate 2015 almost as much as 2009. Just because I've so far survived cancer, doesn't require me to be happy and giddy for the rest of my forever. 

Truly, it wasn't all bad. I did learn so many things. So many lessons. And the new Star Wars movie came out and we were even contracted to do a spoof video. So that was kind of awesome.


I'm sorry this post isn't all happy, flowery, uplifting hopefulness. I am more than ready to give the single finger salute to the end of 2015. The best part of 2015 is that it's almost over. And for that, I am super excited. 

But....

As every year, I want to thank you all for reading my rambles and musings. Though they were few this year. I thank you for your friendship. For caring about us.

Happy New Year! May 2016 be better to us all.

xx

So This Is Christmas...

December 2015

And what have you done?

Well, pretty much changed my life in just about every single way you can. The jury's still out on if it's for better or for worse. But change was totally needed. And change, we got a'plenty. 

Ah, but if you know me, you know I'm doing my best to enjoy each moment of each day as much as possible. Find something to smile about. Something to laugh at. Even if it's just at myself. 

I hope to have a post out of more substance for y'all before the end of the year. My 2015 wrap up post. I already have the title and some thoughts... 

I expect to return to writing more in the new year. I have started and abandoned so many posts this year. My Draft folder just gets bigger and bigger. But I do miss the therapy of it, so it will pick back up. I think I've just been feeling like I should keep my thoughts and opinions on certain people/places/things to myself. Like, who the hell cares about what I think anyway? Right? But then, why have a blog? So posts will be returning.

I hope everyone can find some enjoyment during this holiday season and get to do something just for yourself. Even if it's just to nap, loaf, watch movies, or go to big celebrations. 

Thank you for keeping up with us here and for reading my silly words. 

Sincerely.

Nothing's Right, I'm Torn...

Yes. You were right. People who said not to move back to Georgia. Those who advised me that “You can never go home again”.  

You. Are. Correct. So, bask in the warm fuzzy of your correctness. But please refrain from telling me “I told you so.” 

The decision to move back home to my beloved Savannah, super near to my deeply loved mother, was so hard and scary for me. And likewise, the decision to go back from whence we came is absolutely gut wrenching. 

I have never felt so torn about anything in my life. So, the only reason you would have to say “I told you so”, would be a desire to cause me further pain. And if you do dare to say it to me anyway, get ready for a big, fat, GO FUCK YOURSELF from me. 

There are soooooooo many reasons this decision has been made. Most are far too personal for me to share here. Suffice it to say, as happy and sad as I am, all at the same time, I know in my gut it’s for the best. 

So, pray for us on the road. Again. It’s a long and scary drive. But drive it, we must. And we will.  

“Illusion never changed 
Into something real...”